


2025

by septemberashes



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trigger Warnings, im sorry if my tags are kinda misleading, mention of character's death, past uruki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-01-17 18:40:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 43,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12371712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/septemberashes/pseuds/septemberashes
Summary: The year is 2025. Gone are the years of Jaeger domination in the Pacific Rim, as the number of Kaiju attacks has increased drastically during the past five years. The world government starts to lose faith in the Pan Pacific Defense Corps (PPDC) responsible for the Jaeger program. All funds are now instead being allocated into building of a wall around the Pacific coastline. Most research on Kaiju has since been halted and their nature remains largely unexplored. Humanity seems to be at stake yet there are still many who refuse to believe in this. These individuals are determined to take the situation into their hands instead of passively allowing the alien invaders decide for humanity.Shiroyama Yuu, a retired policeman, finds a new career opportunity at the Tokyo Shatterdome, the only PPDC headquarter left in Japan. Due to past trauma, he is now a firm believer of not going against the course of nature. That one should spend their life quietly until the death knell rings. That some dreams are meant to remain as dreams. However, all he needs is a little push from a certain Jaeger pilot to realise that it is indeed possible to overwrite your fate.And not just yours, but also the fate of many others.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Since Pacific Rim: Uprising is coming out soon, here's a fic based in that universe that no one's asked for. I really loved the first movie and remember seeing fics based on it popping up in every fandom possible back in 2013. I wanted to join the bandwagon but felt apprehensive writing anything action-related. Whelp, guess I've gathered enough courage 4 years later haha. This fic will loosely follow the original movie's storyline/universe; I've had to change some bits and pieces, but hope you'll still enjoy reading this ~ 
> 
> This piece (especially aoiha's dynamic) is also heavily inspired by tysunkete's DGM fic [(don't) follow the white rabbit](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9573187/1/don-t-follow-the-white-rabbit) ♡
> 
> P.S. I'm also no martial arts expert (few weeks of Capoeira doesn't count), so please be gentle on me lmao

Shiroyama whistles.

 

He knew that the Tokyo Shatterdome was big, but _this_ massive? He couldn’t even see it coming in his wildest dreams. Yuu was once stationed temporarily at the Osaka police headquarter - the largest law enforcing body in Kansai - but even they paled in comparison to the Shatterdome. He assumes that he’s still at the ‘entry point’ despite spending (wasting) ten minutes looking around. It’s like a never-ending maze, with metal covering almost every inch of the surface. Walls? Metal. Doors? Metal. Even the floor underneath his feet is made of bloody metal. Have they run out of other materials or just recycled failed Jaeger’s scraps? How environmentally friendly. At least the staff members here are made of flesh and bones, but Yuu soon seriously considers otherwise as they start to eerily remind him of mindless machines. They move in a giant rigid stream, minding their own business, similar to the packed crossroads of Akihabara. Thus, they probably don’t notice the presence of a newcomer. Well, it’s not like he is very noticeable. As a former policeman, Yuu frequently worked undercover, so he seems to have blended in very well with the crowd. However, this skill ultimately leads to his downfall because he very much would like to be noticed now. Finding his way to the front office turns out to be an overwhelming task, with an avalanche of people disregarding his presence.

 

Shiroyama’s exhausted from his trip from Mie. He just wants to find the manager, as instructed in the email he received upon successful application for a security job (were the Jaeger parts so sought after that people tried to steal them? He’s never heard of it but applied for the job anyway). The signs aren’t very helpful with his vision pretty much obscured by the crowd, and he’s yet to locate the map of this Shatterdome. How the hell do employees remember their way in here? That leaves him with asking for directions from passersby even though he wishes they’d look a little bit friendlier. Moreover, it does seem a tad weird for him to be the one getting lost since his previous job also entailed navigating people on the streets of Mie.

 

Well, that was before the first sighting of _Kaiju_ in that prefecture.

 

2013 marked the first appearance of Kaiju, supposedly a type of extraterrestrial life form. They are considered to be a grave threat due to the havoc they wreaked along the coastal cities of the Pacific Rim, such as San Francisco and Sydney. Tokyo, a prominent metropolitan area in this region, also became the hotspot for Kaiju attacks. The aliens soon spread to other coastal cities all over Japan. More funding was allocated for the research of space, where these monsters presumably came from. However, humans soon came to realise that the very planet they lived on for years remained largely unexplored. No one expected that the threat would be coming from the _Earth_ itself. Later, sources have shown that Kaiju indeed emerge from an interdimensional portal located at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, rather than the outerspace as humans have initially speculated.

 

And that's how the Jaeger program was developed: two pilots control a mobile weapon resembling a massive robot. Humans had long dabbled in machinery, but these robots marked the pinnacle of the technological development. The combined strength of these mechanical creations and human determination was a deadly concoction to Kaiju. For once, human and machinery became one. For once, humans weren’t at mercy of these alien invaders, obediently waiting to be wiped out. Jaegers and their pilots became the world's beacon of hope, the shining in this redefining darkness. And for once, humans didn’t merely follow the light. For once, they created it themselves.

 

Yet that's not the reason why Yuu came here.

 

The job he's about to start has nothing to do with Rangers or even the Jaegers. What's more, he's quite  _late_. 

 

Exhaling loudly, he decides to seek help from the nearest person when the stress finally takes a toll on him. “Excuse me-” but they brush him off with a quick wave as if they are too busy to stop. Yuu then tries to catch another person, but also to no avail. Indeed, everyone seems like they are rushing off somewhere. He makes a few more attempts until somebody who tries to speed past him gets caught by his elbow. Something akin to a folder drops on the floor with a loud smack, causing Yuu to immediately crouch down next to the person and help them pick up their fallen documents. It’s so packed in the corridor, so maybe accidentally nudging someone was a normal occurrence here. He still didn’t mean to do it. “My bad,” he apologises.

 

And then his heart almost stops when that person raises their head – Shiroyama swears to gods or whoever exist in heavens that the girl in front of him is the most beautiful human being he’s ever laid his eyes on. Short, light brown hair frames her chiseled features; even that glint of annoyance couldn’t mar those stunning doe eyes.

 

“Here you go, gorgeous.” His smile doesn’t falter even when the otherworldly beauty shoots daggers at him. “By the way-” but before he can even finish his sentence, the girl angrily snatches her documents away. “Wait, I just wanted to-” she rises without a word, ready to walk away. Yuu takes notice of her tall frame hidden behind the long black overcoat.

 

Jesus fucking Christ, can anyone just spare a second to help him out?

 

“Hey!” He calls out within her audible reach, but she pointedly ignores him. Yuu isn’t the one to give up so easily though, and decides to run after her. He tries to catch up with those freaking long legs – they must have been helpful in taking such long strides. “Hey!” In the end, she stops abruptly to turn around and glare at him. Yuu does a triumphant somersault in his mind. As a former cop, he knows pursuing someone like that is actually really, _really_ wrong – he used to detain persistent guys like this. But really, she’s the first person to acknowledge his existence here, and he isn’t going to pass up such opportunity. He just needs directions, for fuck’s sake. And it has nothing to do with the fact that she’s exactly his type. “Hey-”

 

“Can you fucking stop harassing me.”

 

Shiroyama’s jaw almost drops to the floor because there’s no fucking way it’s a _male_ voice his ears register. _Haha Shiroyama, you’re just too tired from your journey_. Yet there’s no mistake that only a guy can produce such baritone and it certainly came from that person’s mouth. Maybe it’s normal in Tokyo, for a guy to look so androgynous? Maybe Kansai is still very outdated and couldn’t keep up with the fashion trends of the capital.

 

 _Don’t assume anyone’s gender._ Yuu learns his very first lesson in Tokyo.

 

“Sorry to bother you.” Yet he does not look apologetic at least, his grin only stretching wider. _How amusing._ Who says he can’t appreciate males? It makes everything even more intriguing. “I’m new here and was wondering where can I find the front offi-”

The ‘girl’ who turns out to be a ‘guy’ cuts him off in frustration. “Are you blind? There’s a fucking map over there.” He jerks his head towards a big plate erected in the middle of the corridor. _Really?_ Well, would have been more helpful if that stupid thing was placed near the actual entrance…He nevertheless thanks the guy, and makes his way towards the map. Yuu then sneaks a glance in the direction of the other’s retreating frame. Yep, definitely the most gorgeous human being he’s seen so far, he’s not gonna lie. However, following the other man out of selfish desires isn’t the best of ideas – it’s such a scumbag thing to do and he, out of all people, doesn’t want to be filed for harassment on his first day. Yuu would have to bid bye-bye to his potential job.

 

“Front office it is,” he finally mutters to himself.

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 “Come in-come in!” A cheerful voice beckons him as he knocks on the door of the front office. Yuu then enters the room and sees a middle-aged man beaming at him from behind his desk. “Well, hello there.”

 

Yuu feels somewhat relieved. He almost gave up meeting anyone _happy_ in this place, submerged in such brooding atmosphere. Finally, there’s someone who shares a similar jovial disposition as him. The mood in the corridors was too oppressing, and it seriously unsettled Yuu. Yet he hides his apprehension behind a smile – life’s too short for pouts and frowns. Strangely enough, the glower seemed to suit that gorgeous man he met earlier. Anyway, he didn’t come all the way from Mie for this – what are the chances he’s gonna run into that guy again? The Shatterdome is massive, and he could be stationed anywhere.

 

“You’re Sakai-san, right?” He shakes the (?) recruiting officer’s hand. At least that’s what his badge says as Yuu sneaks a glance. As far as he knows, recruiters in this kind of establishments usually look for potential soldiers. He isn’t entirely sure if this is the person he’s supposed to meet because Shiroyama didn’t apply for an actual military job. Whatever it is, titles are just titles, and he just needs to follow the instructions in his email. “I’m Shiroyama Yuu.”

 

“How’s your trip, Shiroyama-kun?” The manager slash potentially not just a manager asks him with a bright smile. “Did you get here without any trouble?” And by _trouble_ he probably insinuated a level two Kaiju rampaging across Kyoto a few days ago before it was put down by one of the Jaegers. Shiroyama shudders internally just imagining this.

 

He nonetheless retains his lips curved upwards. “It was alright, certainly not what I’ve imagined.” To be fair, Yuu did bump into someone interesting today. “Also.” He now openly eyes the badge. “That’s some fancy greeting for a simple security guy?”

 

“A simple security guy?” Sakai quirks his eyebrow, trying hard to mask his amusement. “Sonny boy, everyone’s role in this war is equally important. You’re not _just_ a security.”

 

“If you say so.” Well, that escalated quickly. Everybody knows that in a military organisation certain people have a more crucial role than others, and Sakai should know that out of all people. Not sure if he’s just being ignorant. However, something isn’t adding up, and Yuu can’t pinpoint what. He starts to feel disturbed yet his cheerful expression remains static. _Just go with the flow_ , Yuu reckons he’s overthinking things.

 

Oblivious to Yuu’s musings, Sakai just hums some upbeat tune then looks at the clock on the wall. “Oh my, we should probably get going and meet the others. Gotta swing by the mess hall first though.” Shiroyama almost feels guilty because he did get lost, thus took a longer time to find the office. The infinite metal landscape would disorient anyone unfamiliar with these surroundings.

 

They hastily make a beeline along the winding corridors and barely avoid slamming into other staff members. Geez, people here should really take a chill pill because everyone appears to be hurrying off somewhere like there’s no tomorrow. Shiroyama starts to miss Sakai’s office since his eyes have to adjust from warm beige walls to the cold gleam of metal plates once again. It’s almost suffocating. The situation does not get much better when they reach the mess hall: unlike the connecting hallways, chaos reigned this vast space. ‘Order’ is a forgotten concept here: people flock from all directions, no different from an ants’ den. And the noise, oh god this _noise_. While Yuu is far from being an introvert – in fact, he’s probably the most outgoing person in his circle – he finds this aural mayhem a bit too overbearing. Many also come up to Sakai to greet him, and as a result, Yuu would have quite a few pairs of eyes focused on him too. But that does not make Yuu feel as uneasy as it should have. As a former policeman, he’s used to attention.

 

Sakai stops when they reach one table end occupied by two particular men, donned in Pan Pacific Defense Corps (PPDC) uniform. It takes only a second for Yuu’s eyes to increase to the size of saucers – Shiroyama is pretty sure he can identify these faces. The guy with a blond mohawk does a two-finger salute to Sakai. “Suzuki Akira.” He then shakes Yuu’s outstretched hand.

 

“Uke Yutaka.” The brunet sitting opposite to Suzuki has a cute dimpled smile. “You can call us by our first names.”

 

Yuu have seen these guys making headlines on the news for the past few years. You have to live under a rock not to recognise the pilots of the famous Mark-5 Jaeger _Karasu._ At the young age of 25 the Suzuki-Uke duo already had 25 kills under their belt (coincidence or not?), making them veterans like PPDC Marshalls. These are people Shiroyama only gets to see on television, from the comforts of his home back in Mie. In these days and age, Jaeger pilots or _Rangers_ are the revered heroes – not the police force, who used to be your everyday defenders of humanity. However, life is not a constant cycle, and with time, the threat also changes, so Yuu definitely bears no grudge against these people. Instead, he’s thankful for their effort. They put their life in line to protect everyone else from these monsters. Japan has been pretty safe compared to other cities frequently targeted by Kaiju. At least, that’s what he’s been trying to convince himself.

 

“This is Shiroyama Yuu-kun, please take care of him.” Sakai chirps happily and squeezes Yuu’s shoulder, much to his dismay.

 

Yuu doesn’t think he really understands the situation. Why do these pilots need to be aware of his existence? The security job requirements didn’t really specify that he was going to become someone’s bodyguard, let alone a _Ranger’s._

“I’m sure these guys are tough enough to bring down a gigantic monster.” He grins sheepishly. “Do they really need my protection?”

 

“Protection?” Yutaka casts a confused glance at Sakai, still smiling sweetly. Damn if Yuu doesn’t fall for those cute dimples. So many good-looking people here, he must admit. “I thought he’s our last candidate?”

 

“Candidate?” Great, can somebody just explain to Yuu what’s going on. “Is the security job so selective?”

 

“If you want to call it ‘security’.” Akira uses air quotes. “He’s the last one, isn’t he? Let’s head to the command centre then.” He puts away his empty tray into the nearby collecting trolley.

 

“Sakai-san…” Shiroyama prods, eyeing the recruiting officer suspiciously but the other just pats his shoulder reassuringly. Yutaka seems to share Yuu’s sentiments, but doesn’t ask unnecessary questions. Nonetheless, Shiroyama’s glad to see that he’s not the only one confused.

 

The command centre is an eclectic mix of a control room and a mechanical laboratory, packed with computers, wires and switches. The air is filled with the noise of constant clicking and operator’s commands, overflowing with unfamiliar to Yuu jargon. Some technicians have gathered around the bottom of a deactivated Jaeger, located right in the middle of this enormous room that could accommodate its impressive size. As most objects in the Shatterdome, this massive construction is covered in metal plates, yet somehow Yuu doesn’t mind them. Instead of the bleakness that the corridors projected, the Jaeger stands there victoriously, reminding him that this is the ultimate weapon against the aliens; that humanity has no masters.

 

Shiroyama isn’t the only one who openly gawks at this marvelous mechanical creation. A small group of people has already assembled around one of the computers, some of them looking rather dazed. Yuu guesses they are in the same boat as him, lost and in need of answers.  

 

The two Jaeger pilots come up to the front of the group. Akira clears the throat to get everyone’s attention.

 

“Well, some of you may already know who I am. For those who don’t, my name is Suzuki Akira and I’m one of _Karasu_ ’s pilots.” This is the second time in the day he has to introduce himself. He then points at Yutaka next to him. “This is my co-pilot, Uke Yutaka. And I’m pretty sure you all met Sakai-san, our recruiting officer.”

 

Sakai gives everyone an enthusiastic wave. He looks rather excited, maybe even more than Yuu would like him to be; not that it’s a bad thing – it’s just something doesn’t really sit well with the brunet. Like a nagging feeling telling Shiroyama that these people have gathered here for reason, and it’s a rather significant one.

 

Akira continues his speech. “We are glad that you, our brother and sisters, have made your way to the Tokyo Shatterdome from all around Japan.” He looks at the group appraisingly. “To be considered as candidates for the Ranger position you must have had outstanding applications.“

 

Murmurs soon fill the crowd: some shocked, some excited but mainly excited. However, Yuu definitely belongs to the first category, as he pales almost five shades lighter upon hearing the news. Ranger position? The fuck is this bullshit? He turns his head around to face the recruiting officer, amalgamating all his efforts not to lose his temper for being blatantly deceived. “Sakai-san.” He tries to keep his voice low, so as not to disrupt Akira’s speech. “What’s the meaning of this?”

 

But the older man just brings his index finger to his lips, silencing Yuu.

 

“Some of you just finished the Jaeger academy, some of you were recruited for other jobs. However, the Defense Corps does not discriminate. We are giving everyone here an equal opportunity to participate in Ranger tryouts. Normally, we only allow academy graduates to proceed with the tests and training due to their strenuous nature. However, as you may already know, the government plans to shut down the Jaeger program in near future. Instead, they are pouring the citizens’ money into erecting giant walls along the Eastern coast. We all understand that it’s not a feasible solution to alien attack, as a mere brick wall is not going to ward them off. The only way to win this war is to keep destroying the incoming Kaiju.”

 

Everyone so far is busy absorbing Akira’s words. All except for Shiroyama who still cannot believe he’s hearing this right now.

 

“We have to be resourceful. Regardless of their background, everyone who has shown potential is necessary for this war. But don’t be alarmed - we’re not forcing you to participate. It is _your_ choice if you wish to advance with the assessment, as it does requires a _lot_ of effort, especially mental endurance. We _do_ ask you to at least try out the test once. Again, this is not in any way forceful conscription, and we will respect whichever decision you’ll make. If you wish not to partake in this, you can always take up the job you’ve applied for. Otherwise, sign ups for Ranger tryouts are with Yutaka over there.”

 

The last part makes Yuu sigh in relief. However, he still doesn’t appreciate being completely blindsided like this. What kind of employer doesn’t fully disclose all the clauses? A dodgy one, indeed.

 

One teenager raises his hand, and Akira gives him a cue to speak up. “Are we going to ‘drift’ in it today?” The boy points at the Jaeger.

 

“No, it’s too soon for that.” Yutaka shakes his head. “There are other tests that need to be cleared before the ‘drift’.”

 

“Isn’t ‘drifting’ just requires one to be in ‘sync’ with their co-pilot?” One girl asks. “I’m not from the academy so I’ve no clue how it’s actually done, but we do something similar in synchronised swimming.”

 

“ ‘Drifting’ is not _simply_ being in ‘sync’,” someone standing close by corrects her. “In the academy we’ve learned that it entails formation of a complex neural bridge between two pilots. If successful, you reach the highest rate of synchronisation.” And then everyone else joins the chatter, offering their opinion on this matter.

 

Yutaka has to kindly ask everyone to remain quiet, so that he can explain it clearly. “In theory, ‘drifting’ does seem to be a simple concept. However, as some of you may already know, you’ll end up sharing the mental stress with the other pilot; things like distressing memories and intense emotions. In short, you’ll be in your most vulnerable state _and_ juggling your partner’s feelings just to work as one entity. You must have complete trust in each other.” He then addresses the academy kids. “I assume that some of you have already tried the ‘drift’ simulator?”

 

Some look like they’ve known this information all along, tension evident on their faces. As for Yuu, he learns something new today again. Unless you research it on your own, TV presenters do not really elaborate these technicalities to civilians – you only get to see cool action bits; because no one really knows hardship behind many accomplishments. There’s no point, as common people are only superficially interested in results, rather than the work behind the scenes. There’s a reason why the world only has this many Rangers.

 

“Looks like we don’t stand a chance against the academy kids.” An older guy huffed. “They would be pretty knowledgeable about this ‘drifting’ mumbo jumbo.”

 

“Please believe me when I say _anyone_ can become a fighter.” Akira chuckles. “Just ask our neighbours, Koreans, who have mandatory military conscription. Their men come from all walks of life. Academy background, while helpful, is not the sole indicator of the result.”

 

“Akira dropped out of school when he was fifteen, let alone finishing the Jaeger academy.” Yutaka can’t help but giggle as his co-pilot rolls his eyes. “Were you all aware that he still writes a lot of words in hiragana?” Only Sakai raises his hand affirmatively with a sly grin adorning his face; the rest appear to be lost in what to be an appropriate reaction to this comment: are they supposed to laugh at this celebrated Ranger or-?

 

“Books aren’t the only source of knowledge.” Akira shrugs nonchalantly though Yuu doesn’t miss a rosy tint on the blond’s cheeks. “Either way, Kaiju do not discriminate – they aim to exterminate everyone. No one is safe if we do not stand together. It is not just the current Rangers’ duty to protect humanity. Like I’ve already mentioned, anyone who is capable of controlling a Jaeger is necessary for humanity’s sake. And who knows, maybe one day one of you will be Takashima Kouyou’s new co-pilot,” he ends his speech cheekily.

 

Yuu swears that he’s heard this name before. If his memory doesn’t fail him, this guy was one of the pilots controlling the Mark-3 Jaeger _Nakigahara_. Both him and his co-pilot Matsumoto Takanori were once regarded as the unbeatable pair, setting the highest record of annihilated aliens – 24 to be exact, before their record was toppled by Akira and Yutaka in recent years. _Nakigahara_ ’s years of activity were often referred as the peak of Kaiju destruction in Japan. However, many victories demand a sacrifice somewhere along the line - Takashima lost his co-pilot to a level 4 Kaiju five years ago at Tokyo Bay. Himself, Kouyou is said to have escaped by the skin of his teeth and hasn’t been active ever since.

 

Yuu isn’t really aware of the man’s appearance since Kouyou supposedly dislikes being caught on camera. On the other hand, he recalls the image of Takanori shown on TV – he was an ever-smiling petit teenager with messy bleached hair. Yuu’s heart clenches, thinking of such a brave young soul having to perish so soon. The boy could have had a family by now; instead, his corpse is rotting somewhere – Takanori’s body has never been retrieved. Being a Jaeger pilot seems to be a blessing and a curse. No one doubts a Ranger’s courage, but is the fleeting glory worthy of the potential death?

 

What an exalted speech. As some eagerly sign up for such opportunity, Yuu almost pukes upon hearing excited remarks in veins of “I’m the chosen one” and “must be destiny”.

 

Instead, he pleadingly looks at Sakai. “Can I talk to you privately for a minute? Please.” Finally, the man grants him that opportunity as they separate from the group, moving further from the computers. “Why did you hide such an important clause? _We’re offering you a job with a tempting promotion, but guess what? You may die!”_ Despite his frustration, Yuu prevents himself from lashing out at the recruiter.

 

Sakai looks at him appreciatively. He understands Shiroyama’s feelings all too well. “You already know that the Ministry of Defence is not too happy about the program. It’s too exhausting on their treasury. More fighters equals to more Jaegers needed to be built. More Jaegers means more funding necessary. Therefore, openly recruiting people would be a slap in the government’s face. They are too deep set onto building the wall. However, we are not really after their money. We have enough weapons – the Jaegers - but the number of actual weapon wielders is deteriorating drastically. Less kids want to join the academy with Rangers becoming irrelevant even if they are regarded as heroes. We need more people, Shiroyama-kun.”

 

“Still isn’t cool not to disclose full terms.” Yuu points out, his tone bordering to chastising. It’s a very cunning strategy - leaving the news about being a candidate as a surprise; manipulating gullible ones into thinking that everyone can be a hero, as if people owe others their life. Not everyone is capable of fighting, physically or mentally. Lying by omission is by far one of the worst things an employer can do. While he cannot fault Akira, the blond’s speech almost feels like guilt tripping to Shiroyama. But how else are you supposed to recruit people?

 

“Shiroyama-kun,” Sakai says softly. “Like we’ve said before, no one is forcing anyone to sign up for the assessments and subsequent training. And we are not even sure if these guys will _actually_ make into Rangers in the end. Candidates may be capable on their own, but then there’s another problem: finding the one who is compatible with you. But yeah, it’s still worth a shot. While we are definitely interested in training new candidates, our current priority is finding a co-pilot for Takashima-kun as soon as possible.”

 

“Hey, do you think I’ll become Takashima-san’s partner?” Someone in the crowd squeals eagerly.

 

“Not anytime soon.” Another person replies.

 

Yuu sighs in exasperation. Kids will be kids. Maybe once they reach their late twenties, they will understand that some dreams meant to remain as dreams.

 

“Please don’t misunderstand me. I do see your point,” Sakai assures him. “However, may I know what _really_ made you apply for the job at the Shatterdome then?”

 

“The real reason, you ask?” Yuu ponders, looking up at the ceiling. “The pay for such a simple job seemed really tempting, way more than anywhere else in Japan right now.” He answers honestly, without shame. “Humans are simple, we’re easily swayed by money. But there’s no point going head on with these monsters – all that Ranger salary is wasted if you’re dead.”

 

“So we should just sit and wait for them to exterminate us?” Sakai stares at him in amusement; and exactly amusement, not offense, as if Shiroyama didn’t just indirectly insult the Jaeger program. Sakai must have been pretty tolerant – many others would have kicked him out of their establishment for openly challenging their beliefs. He merely laughs. “Is this what a policeman would say?”

 

“Ex-policeman,” Yuu corrects him. “Look, my point is, there are people who are cut out for this shit and there are people who aren’t. Not everyone will die a hero. Kudos to those who want to.” He shrugs. “Or maybe not because it’s fucking stupid.”

 

As usual, Sakai can only offer his trademark smile in response, completely discounting Yuu’s use of expletives.

 

“And that’s what we’ve been trying to figure out all these years.”

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The next morning passes rather uneventfully. Yuu’s shift supposedly starts at nighttime, suggesting that he has plenty of time to squander during the day. Thus, he spends his afternoon with _Karasu_ pilots. They naturally clicked due to being in their twenties while the rest of newcomers comprised of either teens or more mature-aged applicants. Today, the Suzuki-Uke duo is giving him a quick tour around the headquarters. Honestly, these guys have been more helpful than that map in the corridor. Yuu feels like he’s saved himself from getting lost for the next few weeks. They are currently heading to the Kwoon Combat Room, where the candidates are having their first day of physical training.

 

“You really don’t want to sign up for tryouts?” A hint of sadness laces Yutaka’s voice. He nevertheless retains his sweet smile, exuding so much warmth that Yuu can almost feel it. The younger male is so freaking adorable.

 

However, it still doesn’t convince Shiroyama.

 

“Not really.” He would have tried going for the man if it weren’t for Akira’s fingers occasionally brushing Yutaka’s hand. Yuu’s no Sherlock, but he’s observant enough. What a pity. So that’s the relationship these co-pilots have. “I’ll re-consider when I can share your ‘lovebird’ mood with someone else.” He winks at them. Yutaka’s cheeks immediately heat up, while Akira just snorts unattractively. Aha. Yuu’s hit the jackpot. And this embarrassed reaction is truly priceless. Maybe he should do this more often.

 

This type of information isn’t something that’s normally announced to outsiders. And it’s not like Yuu spends hours lurking on the web, trying to dig out information on Rangers’ personal lives. Shiroyama still wonders if such relationships are prevalent in this community. According to Suzuki’s earlier sermon about ‘drifting’, compatible Rangers have to share many memories and emotions with each other, so it makes complete sense for lovers to succeed in synchronisation. After all, they are the ones who understand each other the best.

 

Akira feigns a cough. “You don’t necessarily have to be lovers. Anyone may be compatible with you. However, experience does show that people who have already shared the most intimate moments with you – that being lovers, siblings, parents and their children - have a higher probability of achieving the _Neural Handshake_.” Seeing Yuu’s puzzled look, he quickly explains. “As in, the highest rate of synchronisation.”

 

Yuu hums under his breath. Siblings, hey. He, however, encourages himself to think of something more positive to cast the forthcoming shadows away. _Something positive, something positive-ah!_ That pretty guy he ran into yesterday. Yuu wonders if he’s going to ever see him again. Shiroyama isn’t usually a type to dwell on one love interest for too long when the chances are slim – life’s too short for that. _Enjoy and laugh while you can_. Yet the clear image of that gorgeous man is deeply embedded in his memory. No, _really_ , who was that beauty? Judging by that stack of documents he was carrying, the guy must have been some secretary or reporting officer of sort.

 

As the trio draws nearer to the combat room, something akin to groaning and moaning reach their ears and they stare at one another questioningly. “That’s strange, shouldn’t they go through instructions first at least before being set to maul each other?” Akira muses, pushing the door.

 

Compared to many places in the Shatterdome, they enter a pretty well lit room, filled up with warm brown hue of timber instead of metal. Its warmth reminds Yuu of Sakai’s office. It’s only the second day but Yuu’s already sick of seeing different shades of grey wherever he goes. The fragrance of sandalwood permeates the air, filling him with a pleasant sensation.

 

They approach the group of candidates sitting around the arena, their eyes focused rigidly on two silhouettes shifting on the mat. A dark-haired man wearing the PPDC Marshall uniform stands out from the trainees. He emits a loud disappointing moan when the taller figure overpowers his opponent and slams him to the ground. A groan echoes in the room, and trainees become even more jittery. As the three of them join the crowd, Yuu gets to catch a closer look at the ones sparring.

 

The winner is standing proudly with his back facing Shiroyama but the brunet can definitely discern that the man is tall and slim. In fact, he’s very toned, his muscles were so defined, it makes Yuu gulp in jealousy. Shiroyama swears that he can actually see a vein pop along those sturdy-looking forearms. The guy also has light brown hair, just like that gorgeous staff member Yuu saw the day before.

 

“Give them a break, Kouyou.” The Marshall says, almost imploringly. To Shiroyama’s surprise, he also spoke with a thick Mie accent. “Otherwise, you won’t get a new co-pilot anytime soon.”

 

“I’m merely doing them a favour by delaying their death.” The familiar baritone instantly hits Yuu’s deepest vaults of memory. Wait a minute. No fucking-

 

The winner finally turns around.

 

-way.

 

Because it’s the otherworldly beauty Yuu’s been thinking of. Wait, wait, wai- So this is _the_ Takashima Kouyou? The legendary Ranger of _Nakigahara_ with over 24 kills ever since he was just a snotty brat? Shiroyama still can’t believe that he has indeed run into one of the best Japanese Rangers. Appearance can _really_ be deceiving. First, Yuu learns that she is actually not a ‘she’ but rather a ‘he’. And not just some pretty boy, but the one and only Takashima Kouyou. On the day, Yuu couldn’t make out Kouyou’s form much as he was wearing a long overcoat. But today, the man is wearing a loose tank top and track pants, giving Shiroyama enough view to come to a clear conclusion: there’s nothing in Kouyou’s physique that screams of femininity. Is it just his face then? “What the actual fuck.” Yuu deadpans, his mind still refusing to believe the revelation unfolded in front of him.

 

Sitting next to him, Yutaka naturally catches his outburst. “Yeah, I know Kouyou can be pretty brutal, but I’ve never expected him to be sparring the candidates on their first day of training.” However, it doesn’t seem like Uke understands the actual reason behind such outburst.

 

“Oof, here’s our _Karasu_ duo.” The Marshall waves at them. “Oi, Suzuki-kun, tell your best friend to go easy on the newbies.”

 

“Ando-san, you know that Shima never listens to me.” Akira fakes disappointment.

 

Yuu remembers now. Marshall Ando Daisuke, the pilot of Mark-1 Jaeger _Akatsuki_ \- one of the first Jaegers in Japan - surely changed a lot over the years; gone were those characteristic red tresses that popularised his image in the past. Meanwhile, his co-pilot Terachi Shinya is nowhere to be seen – apparently, on an extended sick leave due to his chronic illness flaring up recently. Thus, their Jaeger has also not been very active lately – he guesses Ando ended up taking up the duty of training the newbies. Still, Yuu’s not quite sure if setting them up against Takashima on the first day was a good idea.

 

“Marshall Ando really does have a strange approach to teaching.” Uke sighs as he witnesses another kid getting beaten by Kouyou. “Being thrown into the wolf’s den on their very first day of training…That’s quite sadistic.”

 

“As long as it produces results, it should be fine,” Akira defends his mentor’s methods, though he seems to be relieved that he’s not the one on the mat versing Kouyou right now. “It’s probably the best way to tell who is not even _close_ to endure Kouyou.”

 

“They need to be trained first.” An ugly crease forms between Yutaka’s eyebrows. Yuu almost has an urge to smoothen it, but abstains from doing so. Uke is a _no-go_ zone for him. “This is no equality.”

 

Akira snorts. “Yeah, but equality won’t save you when you’re facing a level three Kaiju. You need stamina for this, Yutaka.”

 

“Oh yeah, _anyone can be a fighter_ huh,” Yutaka mumbles to himself, so as the kids do not overhear that certain someone’s bombastic statement.

 

Meanwhile Yuu is completely entranced by Takashima who is facing his newest opponent. Like previous candidates, the newbie lasted twenty seconds at max. But it was the most captivating twenty seconds to Yuu, whose gaze never left the Ranger. Kouyou isn’t just beautiful. He fought beautifully, as it wasn’t a fight – it paralleled an elaborate dance, his movements sharp yet graceful. He has never seen anyone wield the wooden sword with such elegance and _speed_. That’s it, consider Yuu to be completely smitten with the man in front of him if he already wasn’t. Maybe coming to the combat room was a good idea after all. The gods must have answered his prayers, and he finally ran into that mysterious beauty again (how corny of him). Who knew it would be Takashima Kouyou, out of all people?

 

And the next opponent does not beat the previous kid’s record, as he is soon sent flying with a loud yelp. “Next,” Kouyou drones, boredom obvious in his voice. He doesn’t even sweat anymore – Kouyou hasn’t been putting any effort in recent spars. His movements become more brash and unrefined, but they still nonetheless look beautiful to Yuu. It’s like he transitions from one style to another, switching so effortlessly.

 

“Man, he won’t spar the same kid again if he realises they’ve got no potential.” Akira soon realises that after all, maybe this wasn’t the best idea of all. “How are we going to find him a new co-pilot?”

 

“To become one, you basically have to beat the shit out of him, right?” Yuu asks.

 

“Not exactly.” Yutaka corrects him. “The point of this room is not just to prove that you’re better than your opponent. Well, not _really_. The real issue lies in moving in tandem with your opponent. With every offence, you come up with a defence, so to speak. As if you can read their mind. As if you guys move in unison, complementing each other. That’s how you know that the person is somewhat compatible with you before you actually ‘drift’.”

 

Yuu blinks. “…Okay, so all you have to do is predict your opponents’ movements.” Like a cop waiting for an armed criminal in an ambush.

 

“It’s not as easy as it sounds.” Akira’s hopes keep dwindling as more trainees get thrown down the mat. “If we could, there would be millions of Rangers by now and we would have already won this war against the Kaiju.”

 

“I’m only talking about fighting Kouyou. One step at a time, guys.” Yuu chuckles. “I mean, don’t you guys use the same concept when you spar?”

 

“Not always.” Yutaka shakes his head. “Most of the times, I just act on instinct. Instead of anticipating a certain attack, I am just fast enough to react to Akira’s motion.”

 

But sometimes that’s not enough, Yuu thinks. Especially, when you have an armed criminal running around. You don’t just think fast. If you can, you should always predict the next move before it happens. It’s less risky to disarm a man than stop an actual bullet.

 

Predicting Kouyou’s moves is indeed hard due to his speed. However, it is not all _impossible._

 

Time to put his two cents here. “You see.” He points at Takashima. “Just now, he stepped back with his left foot, which means that he may attempt to knee you. In this case, one way of preventing being kneed in the stomach is to do a 360 block. Meanwhile, this kid over there merely avoids the attack by stumbling backwards, giving Kouyou enough time to slash him with the sword.” From experience, Yuu knows that intercepting is a tough job. He has enough experience confronting ruffians; aggressive drunks are even harder to handle, unpredictability is their second name. It’s all about close observations and deducing their next attack.

 

“How did you know that he was going to knee the kid?” Akira doesn’t seem like he’s completely sold. “Kouyou could have just stepped back, for all you know.”

 

“Well, his torso was bending forwards – makes sense for him to move forward, doesn’t it? The momentum is also not strong enough to produce an effective kick, so that leaves with the kneeing.” Yuu proposes his conjecture, as he watches Kouyou’s sword point at the boy’s unprotected stomach. Panting loudly, the kid rejoins the others.

 

“Are you a martial arts instructor?” Yutaka queries, his eyes gleaming with fascination. “Or did you serve in the special units?”

 

“Nah, just your neighbourhood friendly cop.” The Rangers stare at Yuu skeptically. “What? All cops have to learn hand-to-hand combat and self-defence. The training actually did me a huge favour while I was on duty.”

 

“Yeah, but don’t you all have guns anyway? Instead of exhausting yourself with the actual combat, just put a few bullets through the bad guy’s skull if he gets outta control.” Akira snickers.

 

“Use of guns is not always appropriate. Also, a lot of people learn how to karate chop for other reasons than their professional obligations.” But before Shiroyama can explain himself further, he catches _Nakigahara_ pilot’s piercing gaze on him.

 

“You.” Kouyou’s chilling baritone is clearly directed at him. Taken aback, Yuu points at himself questioningly. “Yeah, you, the one with long black hair. Get down here.”

 

“I didn’t sign up for tryouts.” Yuu waves defensively, a lopsided grin stretching on his face.

 

“I don’t give a shit.” The other grunts.

 

“Hey Shima, don’t force him,” Akira jumps into Yuu’s defence but his friend ignores him.

 

“Get your ass down here.”

 

“If this is for assuming that you were a girl, then I’m sorry-”

 

“Can’t you fucking understand simple Japanese? Or do I have to spell it out for you?”

 

Yutaka looks completely at a loss of words, his lips tightened into a thin line. Even the Marshall doesn’t know what to say, but he seems visibly entertained. Ando has _never_ seen Takashima wanting to spar someone this bad.

 

Under the curious stares of the whole room, Yuu walks towards the arena and grabs the wooden sword. He is far from being a pushover, but something tells him that Takashima is relentless in his pursuit. Guess, he can humour the other slightly. It’s not like he’s losing anything in process. “What did I do to enchant you so bad?” He purrs teasingly at the other, causing many to gasp at such boldness and the Marshall to almost choke on his laughter.

 

“If you can run your mouth so extensively about reading my moves, you may as well demonstrate it to the whole class.” Kouyou narrows his eyes, drawing the sword to the starting position.

 

Oops. So this is what it’s all about. Someone’s got his ego hurt. Or maybe it’s been a long time since someone has beaten him. Yuu has never said that Kouyou’s not a pro at what he’s doing. On the contrary, he assumes that Kouyou would be one of the most difficult opponents he has to duel, with that insane speed the younger man possesses. He nevertheless doesn’t argue and mirrors Takashima’s starting position, waiting for the first attack. It’s only been a few seconds, yet he can feel sweat forming on his palms, as he clutches the hilt a little bit too tight for his liking.

 

“Hey guys, remember: simulated attacks _only_ , alright?” Ando gives them a friendly reminder. Looks like it’s been addressed more at Kouyou than him.

 

Shiroyama’s too distracted by those hazel eyes and flinches when he sees Kouyou’s right arm swing, probably aiming for his neck from the side. _Damn, almost got me. Concentrate_ , he berates himself in his mind, ducking under and aiming to reciprocate the slash to the abdomen instead. However, seems like Kouyou anticipated that since he blocks Yuu’s sword vertically from above. Without letting the other have any rest, Kouyou lifts his sword in what it looks like another slashing motion, prompting Shiroyama to repeat his action. However, the trajectory of Kouyou’s motion suddenly changes into a straight line as if going for the middle of his opponent’s chest. _A stab disguised as a slash_. Yuu already started to suspect a different technique upon noticing the shift in the younger male’s wrist. He, however, can’t boast with his speed as Takashima, so narrowly escapes the sword’s pointy end with a side twirl then blocks the other man’s sword. Yuu doesn’t have the most ergonomic grasp around the sword due to the angulation of his wrists – they are twisted so hard to the left that it puts immense strain on them.

 

Nothing appears to escape _Nakigahara_ pilot’s sharp eyes; Kouyou knows that while the other has difficulty maintaining the pressure, he is nonetheless able to withstand it. So Takashima has to change the tactic and go for another surprise: he pushes the other’s sword away with a swipe, causing Yuu’s hand to slip around the hilt, dropping his sword. Here’s another opportunity for him to slash the brunet’s neck and he almost succeeds; except that, the shorter man doesn’t waver and uses that opportunity to deliver a hand strike to Kouyou’s neck instead, making them even.

 

Kouyou is definitely impressed, a familiar spark appears in his eyes. It’s been so long since anyone could actually get past his barrier. For once, he is actually _thrilled_.

 

He decides to change the nature of their sparring by abruptly tossing his sword away, which startles Yuu who didn’t expect him to drop his weapon out of nowhere. That allows Kouyou to counter the other’s hand strike with his arm, implementing the full body swing. However, his main agenda is to use the swing’s momentum to deliver a powerful kick. The arm block was simply a diversion technique, but Yuu still has sufficient time to block the leg. Thank fuck for his excellent observation skills that he learned on his duty. But Kouyou doesn’t waste time and goes for a leg swipe, which Shiroyama seems to have predicted based on the other’s rapid crouching. While Kouyou starts to believe that his opponent wasn’t lying and is actually able to read his moves, he’s pretty certain that it’s almost impossible to counter the swipe at such proximity. Yet what he doesn’t expect at all is for Yuu to do a fucking jumping _cartwheel_ to avoid his leg. Dumbfounded, he allows Yuu to grab his sword and sprint away to a safe distance.

 

Their audience, which has been weirdly silent this whole time, too shocked to make a noise, erupts in animated murmurs.

 

“Am I at some fucking gymnastics competition or something?” Akira gapes.

 

In the meantime, Kouyou lunges forward for a punch, first with his right first then the left one, which Yuu manages to block equally with one hand strike. As the younger man’s arms are now occupied, Yuu grasps this chance to aim for the other’s eye with the hilt of his sword.

 

“Opportunistic offence and predictive defence.” Kouyou smirks, thoroughly enjoying this. The hilt is eerily close to his right eyeball. “Also playing dirty.” He hasn’t felt this fired up in years. “Krav Maga huh?”

 

Without waiting for Yuu’s confirmation, he’s ready to launch the next attack. Shiroyama catches the transitory bend in the other’s knees and foretells a potential jumping punch from above. Thus, he quickly ducks and propels his body forward to attack the other’s exposed stomach. Kouyou, however, retracts his hand, catching the older man’s intentions, and projects his knee instead.

 

Sharp pain sears Yuu’s head immediately after the contact but he manages to gather all his remaining strength to stagger backwards. But again, Kouyou’s advantage lies in his superior speed, so he immediately pulls Yuu into a front headlock.

 

“I said _simulated_ attacks, Kouyou!” Ando gasps in horror but his former student snaps back at him.

 

“Don’t fucking interfere.”

 

Disregarding the throbbing pain, Yuu plans to dive under the other’s arm while he’s busy arguing with the Marshall and aim for the groin. Kouyou quickly detects the squirming and intercepts Yuu’s arm, then jolts backwards. Seeing the younger retreating, Shiroyama leaps forward to attack but before he can react, Kouyou headbutts him. _Hard_.

 

This is the second time he’s received a head-related injury in such a short period of time, probably leading to a concussion. This pain becomes too much for him to handle and he drops down like a sack of potatoes onto the mat. “Hey-” Yuu raises his right hand in defeat, panting heavily. “Let’s s-stop.” His breaths are erratic, it becomes almost too hard for him to expel the air properly.

 

Kouyou towers above him with a triumphant smirk; Takashima, nonetheless, couldn’t help but wince from the pain. A Jaeger pilot or not, he is still human and gets affected by blows like this as well. “Not bad.” He remarks. “But still not good enough.”

 

Yuu weakly reciprocates the younger one’s smirk.

 

Whatever Takashima says, Shiroyama knows that he’s definitely piqued the famed Ranger’s interest.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: manifestation of PTSD, i guess? Also, I fail at explaining technical stuff haha. The original Pacific Rim universe itself has quite a few scientific loopholes to it but this is purely fiction in the end, so please bear with me :-)
> 
> P.S. I also realised that in this chapter, I wrote that Takanori died near Tokyo battling a level 4 Kaiju instead of Saitama + level 3 Kaiju (as per chapter 1). Due to some technicalities, I had to fix this, so please disregard the previous info lol

“Holy shit, what happened back there was fucking amazing,” Akira nearly froths about the earlier spar, as if he just saw the second coming of Jesus. “ _Just a neighbourhood friendly cop_ , my ass,” the Ranger sneers. “Or do all policemen in Mie get to train Krav Maga?”

 

While Yuu feels somewhat flattered by such praise, he reckons that Suzuki seriously needs to tone down since his overly excited voice seems to only exacerbate the pain the elder is currently experiencing; which isn’t doing his head any favour, obviously. Yuu is able to shuffle around thanks to Yutaka, his right shoulder propped up against the other’s back. They are heading towards the infirmary, located in the western wing of the Shatterdome. For once, people in the corridors do not ignore his existence – in fact, many eyes pierce him inquisitively as he walks past them; probably wondering what could have turned Yuu into such a train wreck that he can barely walk despite him barely showcasing any bruises. Either Kouyou prefers to hit you _hard_ without leaving unnecessary marks or Yuu isn’t all that defenseless. Maybe it’s a little bit of both.

 

“Most importantly, you two were moving so in sync.” The corners of Yutaka’s lips curve up into a smile. Whilst overjoyed, he tries to channel his elation via soft murmurs so as not to aggravate Yuu’s headache. “You were totally complementing each other’s movements.”

 

“Yeah, that’s what I actually meant when I said it was ‘ _fucking amazing_ ’.” Akira grins widely, clasping his hands behind his head, as he maintains a leisurely pace with the other two. He still can’t believe that they have finally found someone who can keep up with Kouyou’s prowess in combat.

 

Yutaka chuckles softly. “We haven’t seen such chemistry between Kouyou and his opponent since-” he then stops abruptly, eyes immediately widening in horror at what he’s about to say. “-since-” Yutaka stumbles in his words, glancing at his confused co-pilot for help.

 

“-Matsumoto Takanori, I assume?” Yuu finishes the sentence for him before the other _Karasu_ pilot could even open his mouth. Are they treading into dangerous waters right now? Well, Matsumoto was their fellow Ranger after all, so maybe a five-year period isn’t enough for people to stop mourning fallen comrades. However, Yuu has no intention of avoiding the late pilot’s name altogether. He thinks it’s rather insulting towards the Ranger, as if erasing the brave teen’s existence. “I guess that’s how he and Kouyou became compatible.”

 

“Who knew?” Akira says wistfully, his face now bereft of its initial glee. Yuu didn’t mean to be an asshole when he mentioned Takanori in their conversation (and technically, Yutaka started it first); he sincerely empathises with these guys. Coping with loss is far from easy, he knows it the hard way as well. However, life goes on. The wheels of destiny keep rolling and rolling, with no intent of halting. There’s no reason in stalling at one point, they’ve got to keep moving forward.

 

Then why does Yuu feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world right now?

 

“Sparring is still not the benchmark of compatibility.” Trying to dispel the sudden awkwardness between them, Yutaka decides to remind him that the search of one’s co-pilot entails more than just hand-to-hand combat. “There’s still the actual process of ‘drifting’. Sparring just helps you eliminate those who cannot match you in stamina.” The familiar sweet smile soon cracks his earlier sorrowful expression. “But I have to say that this is definitely a step up. Seems like we have hope that _Nakigahara_ will soon resume her duties-”

 

Yuu jolts at such hopeful statement, almost forgetting that any rapid movement will just hurt his head more. “ _Guys_ ,” he interjects hastily. “Not trying to be a party pooper or anything, but I’ve never said anything about becoming a Ranger. I just sparred Kouyou out of, um, courtesy, for the lack of a better word.”

 

And as he expected, disappointment swiftly washes over the other two’s faces. Seems like their recurrent delight was pretty short lasting. But he isn’t going to back down from his decision. Yuu will not betray his convictions.

 

“Mate, you’re wasting your potential,” Akira mumbles. “But it’s your choice and we’re going to respect it regardless of our wishes.” Yutaka silently nods in agreement.

  
The infirmary is no different from the rest of the Shatterdome, merely serving as a continuation of the already well-acquainted metal landscape. Somehow Yuu misses the traditional pristine white of normal hospital wards even though the sterile environment normally creeps him out. Much to the attending nurse’s dismay, Yutaka tells her that the three of them can handle Yuu’s injury on their own. Convinced, she passes Yutaka the first aid kit and leaves the three of them to attend to other matters – it’s not like this is the first time Rangers come to her office to treat their wounds.

 

“It’s just a mild contusion.” Yutaka puts a cold compress over the bruise on Yuu’s forehead, causing the latter to wince from the sudden contact. There are no other patients in the infirmary besides Yuu, so Yutaka picked the bed closest to the entrance for everyone’s convenience. “You’ll need some bed rest for now. We also have Panadol if you need some.”

 

“Man, I think I’ll need morphine at least to relieve this pain,” Yuu pouts. “Hurts like a bitch.”

 

Akira pulls up a chair next to his bed, snickering. “Give it an hour or two to subside.”

 

As Yuu’s about to crawl under the blanket, he sees Kouyou enter the infirmary. The Ranger’s face is clearly showing signs of discomfort mirroring his, so it’s no surprise he came in to ask the nurse for painkillers. Noticing someone’s gaze upon him, Takashima makes a sharp turn of his head towards the source. It hasn’t even been 20 minutes since their last encounter, and here they are, staring each other down as if ready to take off from what’s been left. Well, the statement applies more to Kouyou than him because the elder is in no shape to fight. Yuu can barely move his neck without treacherous water pooling at the corners of his eyes, let alone go full out against someone. However, a Cheshire-like grin still manages to spread across Yuu’s lips as the younger man measures him down with a haughty look on his face.

 

“Wipe that shit-eating grin off your fucking face,” Takashima grunts as he pops a pill into his mouth.

 

“Or what?” Yuu cocks his head to the side, not intimidated in the least. “Headbutt me again? Not that you’re going to have another chance to do that though.” He shrugs, his face adorning a content expression as if the worst has already passed.

 

“Guys, please stop.” Yutaka rubs his temples in frustration. Can these two be in each other’s company without bickering? They are no longer in the combat room. “Both of you need to utilise that energy for something more useful.” But he knows that his words will fall on Kouyou’s deaf ears - there’s no point in talking sense into that stubborn man.

 

Well, at least he tried.

 

In the meantime, Kouyou narrows his eyes, as he scowls at the man on the bed. “Let’s see if that sharp tongue of yours is going to remain the same after the ‘drift’.”

Yuu looks at him as if the other just sprouted horns. “Who says I’m was going to ‘drift’ at all?” The elder can’t keep the tally on how many times he had to tell people around him that no, he didn’t sign up for tryouts. How long will it take others to finally accept his decision not to associate himself directly with the Jaegers? “I’ve no intention of becoming a Ranger.”

 

Takashima probably didn’t hear him properly earlier in the combat room, too consumed with the need to teach that loudmouthed brunet a lesson, because this is the most absurd statement he has ever heard in his whole career.

 

“Then what the fuck are you doing at the _Jaeger_ headquarters?”

 

“Oh hello, the world doesn’t revolve around you, Rangers.” Yuu rolls his eyes in annoyance. What’s up with this narcissism among Jaeger pilots? “No offence guys.” He offers Yutaka and Akira an apologetic look, but they look like they aren’t bothered by the comment at all. Instead, they are silently following the conversation with baited breath, unsure of what input they can offer. “There were other job openings advertised here and I applied for one.”

 

“You seriously just want to be - whatever the fuck that position is - but not a _Ranger_?” Kouyou openly scoffs at him, condescension written all over his face.

 

_Here we go._

Despite his beauty, Yuu thinks that Takashima definitely wins the Douchebag of the Year award.

 

Now Yuu has to regurgitate his earlier explanation that he gave to Sakai. And from what it looks like, the _Karasu_ duo becomes even more invested (silently) in this conversation since Yuu never actually gave them the reason behind his decision.

 

Why can’t people just accept some things as they are?

 

“Not everyone can be a fighter,” he repeats his same old thing in the end.

 

“Cut that shit out.” Kouyou pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration. The amount of bullshit he hears is astounding. “So far, you’re the only one who didn’t get wrecked ten seconds after.”

 

“I’ve just had a bit more training than the rest.” A tired sigh escapes the elder’s lips. “I mean, didn’t you see it yourself? Most of them are still kids!”

 

“Even worse,” sneers Kouyou. “Those _kids_ have more balls than you to sign up for tryouts. What are you, scared? Aren’t you a fucking cop?”

 

“Ex-cop.” This again. “Just because I’m compatible with you combat-wise, doesn’t mean our ‘drift’ will be successful.” Which is partially true. Didn’t Yutaka say something along the lines of compatible pilots being able to handle each other’s feelings? On the other hand, he and Takashima are way too different. Speak of that short temper and patronising attitude of his.

  
“Have you even _tried_?”

 

“Hey guys, are you just going to let Kouyou bully me like this?” Yuu tries to lighten up the mood in the room, because his companions’ silence is slowly suffocating him. Thankfully, they are alone in the infirmary because otherwise the attending nurse would have kicked them out due the ruckus they are currently causing. “Akira?” He looks expectantly at the blond, who flinches at the sudden reference to him.

 

“Um, don’t push him, Shima.” The Ranger finally speaks up, although something tells Yuu that he isn’t even trying and what’s worse- sort of agrees with Takashima. His friend merely glowers at the blond, and Akira probably gets the cue to ‘not fucking interfere’. That makes Yuu wonders why he’s such a pushover when it comes to Kouyou. Yutaka is also strangely quiet, probably aware of his helplessness when it comes to handling Takashima. Well, he _did_ voice out his opinion over their short squabble a minute ago, but all his efforts went down the drain. Uke probably just lets the other man have his way as long as it’s reasonable-

 

-but is it reasonable? Coercing someone into doing something against their wishes? What happened to the perceived autonomy they granted the candidates when it comes to making own decisions? Maybe the _Karasu_ pilots agree with Takashima’s opinion; after all, they keep giving him backhanded respect, secretly hoping that Yuu will change his mind. Because there’s no fucking harm in hoping, even if it’s making Yuu extremely uncomfortable, right? But what’s the point of getting their hopes high? Isn’t Shiroyama actually being kind enough to give them a straight answer instead of being wishy-washy? What will they gain even if they find out that he and Kouyou are ‘drift’ compatible?

 

Nothing. Nothing at all.

 

Because Shiroyama Yuu’s convictions will remain unshaken.

 

“Is there any point in us ‘drifting’ if I don’t ever plan on becoming your co-pilot?”

 

“Fucking coward.” Kouyou spits venomously. “Not that I _wanted_ you to be compatible with me. The last person I would want to synchronise with is some fucking coward.”

 

“And what warrants you to call me that?” Jesus, why do they latch on him like insatiable leeches? Why can’t people just respect his decision? He even tolerates Akira’s passive-aggressive _‘you’re wasting your potential’_ out of unwillingness to get offended (if things like these offend you, then good luck getting far in life). Thus, that small arc of a smile stubbornly remains on Yuu’s lips throughout their whole conversation, as if the other didn’t just insult him.

 

“I don’t know what the fuck is your problem, but humanity is at stake-”

 

But this time, it takes a mere second for his smile to dissipate. _Now_ Shiroyama is getting somewhat irritated. This entitlement again: proclaiming that people owe others their life. “Not everyone is noble like you,” Yuu can’t help but rudely interrupt the other. He does not wish to entertain the same old trope anymore. While he holds nothing but utter respect for Rangers, they should know out of all people that sometimes glory is not the only thing awaiting them. “Look what this destructive sense of nobility has done to Matsumoto Takanori!”

 

And he instantly regrets saying this.

 

Because Kouyou’s darkened expression immediately consumes him with guilt.

 

“Shit, I’m sorry-”

 

“Shut the fuck up,” Kouyou’s says through gritted teeth, gathering all his strength not to slam that motherfucker into the wall and beat him senseless until he can no longer open that wretched mouth of his; without further ado, Takashima makes a sharp 180-degree turn towards the exit.

  
“Wait, Shima!” Akira sprints out his chair to run after the fellow Ranger while Yutaka, still in his spot, can only look away pensively.

 

An imaginary weight presses Yuu down. He didn’t mean to let out such an insensitive outburst. While he doesn’t necessarily agree with the way the _Karasu_ duo avoids mentioning the teen, the pained look in Kouyou’s eyes has made his throat go numb, rendering him speechless, unable to utter even the slightest of sounds.

 

Disgusting creatures roamed the Pacific coastline, but right now Shiroyama feels like the most sordid one amongst them.

 _________________________________________________________________________

 

“Damn it, Kouyou, why did you have to pressure him?” Frustrated, Akira confronts his best friend in the middle of the corridor. While he wholeheartedly hopes that somewhere and somehow Shiroyama will change his mind, Suzuki doesn’t necessarily approve of his friend’s method of bullying people to change their minds right away. Slow and steady has always been the best way of making someone reassess their values due to its gradual molding of the other person’s perception. While guilty of not fully accepting Yuu’s decision, Akira just cannot let go of such talent in this time and need. And even if it doesn’t work out in the end, they just have to suck it up - they are all subjects of democracy after all. Yet Kouyou’s short temper just has to ruin all their opportunities. “We can’t _force_ someone to volunteer.

 

“I can’t believe spineless bastards like this fucking exist.” In exasperation, Kouyou punches the nearby wall with his fist, his gaze cast down to the ground. Fine, if that weakling doesn’t want to participate, he is not going to beg as that is beneath Kouyou but sullying Takanori’s beliefs like _this_ – this, he cannot forgive.

 

“Calm down.” Akira reaches out his hand to caress his friend’s back, but the other quickly brushes the blond off. Kouyou isn’t looking for any physical contact in his current state, and Suzuki has no choice but respect his boundaries. He, however, still tries to pacify the other man verbally. “Kou, I know you only have good intentions but we can’t force people to sign up for something that can potentially lead to their death. Not everybody is ready for it.”

 

“Do you think Takanori was ready for it? Do you think he was ready to _die_?” Kouyou snaps at the _Karasu_ pilot who bites his lower lip in shame. “He did it anyway. Akira, a fucking nineteen-year-old had more guts than a grown adult.”

 

But they all know that Matsumoto joined their ranks aware of full consequences; that to gain glory, you must give something in return, and sometimes it’s your life that is required to maintain that balance. Nevertheless, it doesn’t negate the fact that Takanori’s ambitions overshadowed his fear – one must be foolish to think that people who live a fulfilled life aren’t scared of the notion of dying. True, death is an inevitable concept, and humans have long stopped searching for the elixir of immortality, yet no one wants to leave this world until they have achieved their goal; until _they_ decide when it’s time to go. Because humanity longs for emancipation, to be freed from the clutches of destiny - particularly, when alien invaders somehow determine it. The Kaiju probably consider themselves gods, who reign upon human beings. So now humanity has to take down those counterfeit gods to re-establish their autonomy.

 

No gods, no masters.

 

“I know you’re trying to honour his death.” Akira’s whispers almost inaudibly, however, there’s no hesitation in his tone. They are going to pull it through. Even if the spineless government officially dissolves the Jaeger project and hopelessly hides behind the walls, they are going to rebel and continue to fight. Because they are going to survive. “Taka’s death wasn’t meaningless. None of our comrades’ deaths were. We are going to win this war, one way or another.”

 

“With only _one_ active Jaeger in Japan?” Kouyou doubtfully looks at his friend.

 

“Two,” Akira corrects him. “Because _Akatsuki_ still does some work every now and then. Well, when Terachi-san’s condition is stabilised enough, I guess. And the number of Jaegers will rise to three when you’ll get your new co-pilot.” Because they are never letting him maneuver the Jaeger on his own anymore. Akira tries to subside the anger in him, as he recalls how they had to resuscitate Kouyou after he went ‘rogue’ once. While the man didn’t kick the bucket due to his incredible stamina, solo-navigation of the Jaeger clearly caused a neural overload on him.

 

“All the more reason to make that dumbfuck listen to us,” says Kouyou with his eyes closed, as he rests his back against the wall. All this talk makes his head hurt even more. Painkillers don’t seem to be all that effective. Should he start shooting up heroin or something?

 

“I know. I wish he did.” Akira sighs. “Only an ignorant idiot won’t see how compatible you two are.”

 

“But he’s never going to be Takanori,” Kouyou responds sharply. He has to make sure that people know that no one can _ever_ replace the original _Nakigahara_ pilot. Especially, not some third rate brunet with long ass hair and a fucking irritating grin. Even if their ‘drift’ is successful, he will just be the temporary replacement, a ‘rebound’ of sort, because no one could ever rival Takanori. Mere proficiency in Krav Maga is far from being the only qualifying factor for it.

 

“Duh.” While he understands Kouyou’s position, Akira wishes that his friend would just give someone else a chance. “But he’s good even if you don’t admit it out loud.” Wait, were they even properly introduced to each other since Kouyou just called the other man to fight out of the blue? “Do you even know his name?”

 

“No, and not interested,” Kouyou waves his hand dismissively, looking away.

 

“Well, too bad, because my name is Shiroyama Yuu and I’ll make sure you remember it.”

 

They both whirl around to face the owner of the voice, who was shamelessly eavesdropping their conversation all this time. Kouyou doesn’t expect that idiot brunet to have audacity to appear in front of him so soon after that tactless statement of his.

 

“Um, I guess I’ll leave you guys be.” Not wishing to be caught in another potential heated argument, Akira leaves. He ultimately sucks at playing the role of the mediator, and wonders if Yutaka was the one who convinced Yuu to go after them. Hopefully, Kouyou will use this opportunity to talk to Yuu _properly_ instead of unilaterally shoving his principles down the other man’s throat.

 

Yet the _Nakigahara_ pilot looks like he doesn’t even want to acknowledge Shiroyama’s presence. He is ready to walk away until Yuu opens his mouth, the brunet’s voice laced with remorseful undertones.

 

“I’m really s-sorry,” The older man starts off hesitantly. Unfortunately, his normal confidence just went astray for some reason. Yutaka informed him that while many people here are open-minded, he indeed crossed the line with that tasteless remark. “It was really insolent of me to say it, I know.”

 

“Don’t waste your fucking breath.”

 

“Look, I’m just trying to take responsibility for my actions.” Yuu’s brows crease into a frown. “I know my words hurt you.”

 

“And? I’m not some kind of princess who needs coddling.”

 

_Yet you reacted so strongly._

 

“I didn’t mean that.” Yuu knows that his foolish words have just made Kouyou’s emotional - still yet to heal - wounds to fester. But he decides that it’s better left unsaid instead of aggravating the man further. Otherwise, he won’t even have an opportunity to tell Takashima what he has to say without starting another conflict. Yuu really doesn’t want to make it bitter between them two. “What I’m saying is that, yes, I _am_ a coward. I’m not as brave as the late Matsumoto-kun, and you’ll soon understand why.” He trembles as these words leave his mouth, as the feeling that he needs to empty his stomach becomes more and more imminent.

 

However, Kouyou does not seem to follow the other’s patchy logic, and his scowl only deepens. Seeing the other’s confused face, Yuu exhales heavily. _Please make it quick_ , he prays to the gods. The pain almost succeeds in splitting his head in half while his body still feels drained from the previous fight. How did he even manage to follow the other two this far from his infirmary bed?

 

“I’m going to ‘drift’ with you.” The words come out almost reluctantly, his own voice alien to his ears. “On one condition, of course.”

 

Discarding his previous anger to the back of his head (he can always retrieve it later), Kouyou decides that he’s somewhat impressed. Not with this idiot himself, but with whatever has made the guy change his mind so drastically. Was it Yutaka’s job? He, however, isn’t too delighted hearing about this _condition_. Who does that prick think Kouyou is? A beggar? “I’m not that desperate.” Takashima makes an irritated ‘tsk’ with a click of his tongue.

 

“Desperate enough to start a tirade about me being a coward.”

 

Yuu believes that he can see through the other man. Normally, people will not pester him if he has little value to them. Sometimes, he wonders if the _Karasu_ pilots only hang out with him because he is supposedly a Ranger-worthy material (and he doesn’t just assume it because it’s sort of obvious). Right now, they seem to elevate anyone who is scarcely compatible with Kouyou because how many can actually tolerate his shitty attitude? And right now, Yuu seems to be the first and only compatible person so far. The Kaiju aren’t going to wait for them forever to find Kouyou another co-pilot. You wish they would be _that_ considerate. However, Shiroyama needs to prove everyone that he is _not_ the appropriate candidate for this position. And even if he somehow is (which he really doubts), he will _not_ be pressured (anymore) into joining their ranks. So technically, he’s got nothing to lose.

 

“Stop acting as if you’re doing me a huge favour,” that is Kouyou’s cold response. “Holding up for a minute longer than the rest doesn’t necessarily make you one hundred percent compatible with me.”

 

“Well, at least you’re one step closer to figuring it out.”

                                                                                                                   

Kouyou really wonders what on earth has made the man change his mind so fast. Yet predictably, the brunet wants something in return for his offer. Nothing comes for free, hey.

 

“What do you want from me?"

 

But Shiroyama doesn’t answer.

 

Kouyou is far from the type of people who are easily intimidated yet somehow the older man’s cryptic smile manages to unnerve him.

 ______________________________________________________________________

 

Once again, Yuu is taken back to the local command centre, but not as a new employee ogling at a Jaeger. Now he is coming as a potential co-pilot material (still ogling at the Jaeger) together with the original _Nakigahara_ pilot. What’s even more interesting, the Jaeger stationed this time isn’t the unfamiliar one he saw the day before, as the black paint job clearly denotes the presence of the celebrated _Nakigahara_. He’s seen _her_ images (apparently, this particular Jaeger is a ‘she’) flickering on TV multiple times a few years back, and now he’s going to actually be the one wielding her. Unexpected news? Yes. A pleasant one? Probably not. While his muscles are no longer sore from the spar from the afternoon, his gnawing headache keeps persisting. He, however, forces himself to endure it because it’s going to be over soon, anyway.

 

After Kouyou exchanges a few words with Shou, a Jaeger operator (or _mission controller_ ), a group of technicians leads them to the Drivesuit Room, located on top of the Shatterdome. This room serves as a place for Rangers to change into _drivesuits_ , a type of specialised armour that can synchronise with the Jaeger and protect the more susceptible human body from direct contact with Kaiju. There, a technician requests Yuu to don something akin to a shiny wetsuit. The brunet can’t say he’s the biggest fan of glittery leotard-looking outfits, however under the demanding glare of his so-called companion puts it on anyway. Years of technological development and they have to show up in front of their assailant in a bloody leotard? Well, it’s not like Kaiju can actually appreciate fashion, but who knows? Human knowledge of these goddamned monsters is still limited. Yuu can’t fathom why he even cares about this since it’s not like they are being dispatched to a battlefield right now. This isn’t even an official tryout - just mere courtesy to make up for his earlier behaviour.

 

“This suit will help you become ‘one’ with the Jaeger,” the technician explains to Yuu, seeing his dismayed look as he eyes himself in the mirror. “It senses all your body’s movements then sends the information to the Jaeger.”

 

Still doesn’t make it look any better. However, his apprehension is quelled upon seeing other techs fasten the actual armour plates all around his body. One guy then inserts a spinal connector, which secures all parts together. Yuu presumes that the last piece somehow activates the drivesuit, judging how his armour lights up afterwards. He can’t say that he doesn’t look _empowered_ in this suit, but quickly suppresses such foolish thoughts. There’s no way he’s going to change his mind by simply seeing himself in this armour – in this situations, vanity serves as one of the primary roads that lead to early death. Once Kouyou is ready, they are given helmets and instructed to board the Conn-pod, which serves as the cockpit slash control centre of the Jaeger. Kouyou icily tells his companion to take up the left command platform because apparently _‘I’m the dominant pilot so the right hemisphere is rightfully **mine** ’_. Yuu doesn’t argue because it’s not like he cares – he just wants to be over and done with instead of starting another pointless argument with the younger man, which may or may not end up with another change of heart. Nope, he definitely doesn’t want to take any chances. As they stand still in their respective platforms, a gear suddenly locks their boots. The techs then fasten the back of their drivesuits with the _spinal clamps_ before different wire extensions can hook around their armour’s gauntlets and hand controls, connecting them to the Jaeger. Yuu hypothesises that basically they move about in one spot as the Jaeger mimics their actions, somewhat reminding him of the Wii console.

 

Kouyou is surprised that the previous physical control panel and screen are missing, replaced by a digital interface now. It seems to be a new addition to _Nakigahara,_ which used to be mainly an analogue Jaeger back in 2020. He thoroughly enjoys this new feature though, since it saves him from exerting pressure as he clicks on the screen.

 

They see Akira’s beaming face appear on the main screen.

_“Looking good, guys.”_

 

He can barely contain his excitement, as Yutaka stands right beside him, copying his co-pilot’s joyous expression _._

_“This armour definitely suits you.”_ At which Yuu can only smile sheepishly, trying not to take this comment to heart. There’s no need for him to get all flustered over this compliment. He then hears Shou shooing the excited Rangers away under Daisuke Ando’s entertained laughter before taking over the microphone.

 

 _“Ready?”_ He asks both of them, to which they nod in unison.

Marshall Ando gives them a thumbs-up through the screen. _“Relax your minds and take it easy, boys. And remember not to ‘chase the rabbit’.”_

 

“Chase _what_?” Yuu looks at Kouyou questioningly.

 

“Don’t get too occupied with one memory,” the other explains in a monotone voice.

 

Yuu groans internally. Boy, this is definitely not the greatest of ideas. He really is a pushover, isn’t he? Shiroyama nevertheless tries to calm the thumping of his heart, counting to ten in his mind.

 

“ _Activation_.” Shou’s voice soon fades into the background when a blue haze starts to cover Yuu’s vision; the view of the _Karasu_ pilots, the mission controller, the Marshall and the Jaeger’s interior begin to morph into different scenarios. Some of them seem familiar to him, coming from his own memories; some of them aren’t – probably belonging to no other than Takashima. A surge of different emotions courses through him, and he finds it difficult to discern whether it is _him_ who is feeling that particular way right now. Amidst his childhood memories, he sees different events of Kouyou’s life as well. The pictures soon become clearer, as if he’s actually present there as a bystander.

 

One of them starts off with a much younger-looking Kouyou cooped up in his bedroom, his nose buried deep in a textbook, as a smaller kid lounges on the bed next to his desk. Yuu assumes it’s the pre-pubescent version of Takanori. Among other things in their conversation, he hears them make a pact to see the ocean together once they become Rangers, with Takanori being the main driving force behind this idea. Yuu can’t help but melt from the warmth of such innocuous promise, but soon a bittersweet feeling starts to fill up his chest as he remembers that Matsumoto presumably died in the ocean in the end. Yet the feeling does not remain stationary, as it continues to evolve and he wonders if Kouyou is visiting this particular memory at the same time. Shiroyama then recalls the Marshall’s advice not to dwell on a single memory for too long, and decides to move onto the next one.

 

Among the next array of memories, there’s another one that draws him in a tad longer than the rest. He ends up in the all-too-familiar local command centre, where all-too-familiar individuals have gathered around Shou’s control station; with a small addition of Takanori this time. The Rangers look like they are still in their late teens, yet their worn out faces clearly exhibit years of hardship. Ando also looks much younger in this memory, standing next to Shou with a grim expression, so uncharacteristic of him. Akira is nervously biting his fingernails, and Yuu could bet on his life that he can see tears brimming in Yutaka’s eyes. Meanwhile, Takanori’s sniffles permeate the air, his face hidden in the depths of Kouyou’s loose sweater as the taller boy embraces him tightly. They are all currently listening intently to the transmission from Niimura Tooru – a PPDC Marshall who is now deceased as Yuu remembers. So looks like this memory is dedicated to this late Marshall. Breathless, Yuu finds out through this memory that it’s Niimura who discovers the route that Kaiju undertake in order to reach the Earth; that these aliens indeed come from the bottom of the Pacific Ocean rather than the outerspace. Dread washes over Yuu, as he hears agonised screams coming from the communication device and how everyone pales, as Takanori’s wails pitch another octave. Yuu almost throws up when another scream comes through the speakers; stricken with grief, Ando orders the mission controller to shut the communications down but Kouyou quickly prevents him from doing so. Through his haze, Yuu hears Takashima refusing to ‘abandon’ Niimura and telling everyone to _‘stay put with the Marshall until his last breath because that’s the least we can do for someone who sacrificed his life for our sake’_ , to which Ando shakes his head despondently, but leaves the communications on. Shiroyama can feel tears pooling in his eyes - there’s too much angst in this memory, maybe a bit too much for him to handle right now, so he dismisses himself from this memory. He moves along to another, hopefully more uplifting recollection. And hey, maybe he should go back to his own memories after all.

 

He wonders if Kouyou can feel the same weight pushing down on him right now as well.

 _________________________________________________________________ 

 

It’s been so long since he ‘drifted’ with someone this far into his memories, Kouyou must admit. He effortlessly cruises through Yuu’s memories, while dabbling in his own ones every now and then. Admittedly, the older man’s recollections are vastly different from his. First, there’s a warming scene of a five-year-old brunet holding a tiny baby in his arm, his trademark grin plastered on his face. Doesn’t seem like much have changed, Kouyou smirks. A couple - supposedly, Shiroyama’s parents - encouragingly pats the little boy’s shoulder and tells him that _‘it’s Yuu’s turn to protect his baby brother’_ , to which mini-Yuu beams even brighter. This scene nearly tugs at Kouyou’s heartstrings but he is not gullible enough to his innermost desires. Because this is the family he’s always longed for. An orphan like him has never tasted this feeling, because the Jaeger Academy and the Shatterdome were all he had growing up. Yet he doesn’t allow envy to consume him (for it could cause him to latch onto this memory) and moves onto the next one.

 

Now he’s inside a bank, in the middle of what seems to be an attempted robbery. The criminal loads his gun and shouts at one bank employee to gather all the money into a huge duffel bag. Kouyou hears the blaring of the police siren outside, suggestive of the officers surrounding the bank. Adrenaline suddenly rushes through him as he feels like _he_ ’s the one in action when Yuu, disguised as one of the civilians, leaps on the armed man amidst the panicked screams of other hostages. A gunshot is heard before Yuu can disarm the perpetrator with a handstrike - sharp pain momentarily spreads through Kouyou, and he even looks at his shoulder to find the imaginary bullet. He feels slightly lightheaded as the ghostly smell of blood reaches his nose. Kouyou nevertheless continues to watch how Yuu, notwithstanding his wound, manages to overpower the criminal and knock him out ucold. Relief courses through the Ranger’s body when the doors open and the medics rush inside. One of the officers lauds the groaning Yuu and then-

 

-and then suddenly, the setting changes again, returning him to the metal interiors of the Conn-pod. Instead of being drawn back to reality, Kouyou knows he’s still deep in his memories as the interface has now disappeared, replaced by the familiar physical display. As he looks to his left, Kouyou’s heart skips a beat when he sees his former co-pilot occupy the left command platform instead of that Yuu guy.

 

So he’s back to this wretched memory, hey.

 

Here, Takanori is all smiles, his vigorous optimism is incomprehensible to Kouyou even though they are currently facing a level four Kaiju – _Otachi_ as how the Defense Corps has dubbed her – a monstrous being with a huge bony tail that has been trying to knock their Jaeger down for the past twenty minutes. Right now, Kouyou’s back in 2020, twenty kilometres away from the Tokyo Bay. Somewhere in the background, Mark-1 Jaeger _Akatsuki_ and another Kaiju’s carcass are partially submerged in the water, lying motionlessly as waves crash against their enormous bodies. _Akatsuki_ has been subjected to such critical damages from the first Kaiju, to the point Marshall Terachi has lost his consciousness in the process; that prompted his co-pilot Marshall Ando to contain the second Kaiju by himself until reinforcements in form of Mark-3 Jaeger _Nakigahara_ has come before he could eject both of them out of the Jaeger. Both _Akatsuki_ Marshalls have successfully fled via escape pods and are currently waiting for rescue helicopters to collect them. However, it can only be done when the threat is incapacitated, which means Otachi has to be put down before any helicopter can come closer to the scene.

 

“Now!” Kouyou hears himself shout, as _Nakigahara_ lifts her sword and forcefully brings it down on the Kaiju’s tail, effectively severing it off. The monster shrieks in pain, stumbling backwards, and before it can get away, the Jaeger plunges her sword right into the alien’s chest, drawing another shriek, its blood – the _Kaiju blue_ \- spurting out of the deep wound. The toxic fluid spills into the ocean, coating the waters with its phosphorescence. The monster falters and then finally drops down.

 

Kouyou finds himself navigating _Nakigahara_ towards the city, trying to locate _Akatsuki_ ’s escape pods and signaling the helicopters that they are ready to be dispatched.

 

Yet his ears pick up the shuffling behind, and soon the familiar feeling of trepidation rushes through him. It’s the same damn thing again, and no matter how many times he ‘drifts’, he relives this moment all over again. Because Takanori’s smile vanishes as they turn the Jaeger around, just to face Otachi, thought to be dead, only for her to leap onto them, her clawed fist aimed at the left side of the Conn-pod. Kouyou’s hearts drums even faster, almost bordering to fibrillation - a second after, an Earth-shattering sound of glass being broken pierces his ears. He hears himself scream at top of his lungs when Takanori’s half-mangled body appears in his view. The little one’s armour is completely smashed up, a huge piece of broken glass jammed right into his stomach. Blood, there’s blood everywhere, the stench of Takanori’s blood would have probably stuffed his nose if it weren’t for his intact drivesuit. The neural bridge between him and Takanori grows significantly weaker, as the other one starts to slowly slip into unconsciousness. It’s a miracle that he hasn’t died yet. He’s bleeding profusely, his face so ghastly pale where it isn’t covered in blood. His wound seems fatal while Kouyou remains unscathed, but the older man assumes that Takanori isn’t the only one who’s going to die. Under these circumstances, Kouyou swore _both_ of them were going to die. The monster herself wails in agony but has shown every intent to finish the Rangers off before dying, as if she can’t leave this world until she kills them. For once, he feels scared and vulnerable. Yet he knows he isn’t going to die because it’s just a memory, he’s going to survive-

 

“Taka, we need to escape.” His memory prompts him to desperately shout those words to the half-dying Takanori who doesn’t seem to be registering him at all. Yet through their neural bridge, the last bits of Takanori’s consciousness tell him to aim the sword at the Kaiju’s neck. Another agonised scream follows after their weapon pierces that thick armoured neck, and blue blood comes splashing at the Jaeger. Otachi staggers, as her blood gushes out like a fountain. Jaegers have been made foolproof to the toxic nature of Kaiju blood, but humans aren’t so lucky, so the fumes are starting to have an effect on the wide-open Takanori: the boy’s breathing loses its normal cadence as he violently coughs his blood out.

 

Despite being wounded so gravely, Otachi still tries to aim for the left pilot. The Kaiju slowly but firmly raises her fist again, preparing for the final blow that would have probably smashed the whole Conn-pod, killing both of them. His breathing hitches as he watches Takanori mouth something in his direction, blood trickling down the little one’s chin.

 

“Don’t you fucking dare-” And once again, Kouyou finds himself screaming as he’s being encapsulated in his escape pod. “TAKANORI-” They didn’t agree on leaving each other like this. Takanori thought he could activate Kouyou’s escape pod without him knowing but Kouyou could read his thoughts due to their neural connection, yet he still fails to override Takanori’s commands. Thus, all he sees for the next few seconds is the starry sky before his pod crashes into the ocean. Once his pod emerges to the surface, he immediately opens up its lid only to be ushered into the nearby rescue helicopter with two Marshalls inside.

 

“We have to go back to Takanori!” He yells at the pilots. “He’s still there, he needs to-”

 

He watches the Kaiju thrashing the Jaeger but the robot stoically keeps the sword deep inside her neck. Moments later, the monster _finally_ succumbs to her wounds and slumps onto the Jaeger, effectively taking Takanori down together with her. In the distance, Kouyou screams until his throat goes dry, tears of anguish forming disarrayed lines down his cheeks.

 

“We have to go back-” He almost jumps on one of the pilots, trying to take over the cyclic control, as Ando holds him back. “He may still be alive-”

 

“Kouyou!” Ando’s voice seethes with anguish, as they watch Kaiju’s blood spill all over the shattered Conn-pod; where Takanori remains strapped to his platform. “It’s too late now, we have to get out of here in case other Kaiju-”

 ________________________________________________________________________________

 

“Ando-san.” Shou looks at the readings of the Jaeger anxiously. “The right hemisphere is misaligned,” he says, biting his lower lip. “Takashima-san is chasing the rabbit.”

 

“Damn it,” Ando curses, taking over the microphone. “Kou-chan, you are out of sync. I repeat, you are out sync. Can you hear me? _Kouyou!”_

 

Everyone in the command centre was so close to celebrating when the rate of synchronisation reached 100%. _One-fucking-hundred percent_. The _Karasu_ duo was bouncing in excitement, while Ando nearly shed a tear of happiness. This is by far the most successful ‘drift’ anyone could ever manage with Kouyou, first one in five years. They finally made it after all these years of lurking and searching. Maybe there was still hope that Nakigahara would return to her former days of glory.

 

However, when the readings started to waver in one spot after they initiated the Neural Handshake, something went wrong; that being one of the pilots latching onto one memory.

 

Nonetheless, their anxiety is short lasting, as everyone sighs in relief when they see Kouyou suddenly jolt in his spot, regaining his senses. “ _Back_.” The Ranger breathes out. “ _How’s that dumbass over there doing?_ ”

 

“Thank god, Shima, and here we thought that-”

 

“Wait, now the left hemisphere is also misaligned,” Shou moans in desperation as he pulls up the statistics. The level of synchronisation has sharply plunged to zero, setting off the alarms.

 

A frown crosses Kouyou’s face as he glances at his partner, whose eyes are focused at the nothingness in front of him.

 

“Hey, you.”

Yuu doesn’t reply, his mind seems to be lost in oblivion – instead, he raises his hand forward, the hand control around it suddenly lighting up.

 

“Oi!”

 

Shou’s eyes widen in horror when a familiar red window appears on his interface.

 

“Shit, he’s activating the Plasmacaster!”

 __________________________________________________________________ 

 

Smoke. Endless smoke, pricking his eyes painfully all over again until his vision becomes temporarily impaired from that thick curtain of smoke. He hears a monstrous roar in the distance intermingled with human screams. This smoky smell, these jarring sounds – they feel too real for it to be just a memory. Once again, Yuu is trapped in this chaos, that dreadful day when one of those monsters sowed havoc in his hometown. And once again, he – one of the police officers - stands in the middle of the road, doing his best to evacuate civilians currently caught in this unexpected Kaiju attack. His voice croaks from shouting commands, as he ushers people to run towards one of the underground shelters. The screams become almost unbearable for him to handle, yet he perseveres. Truth to be told, his current circumstance is honestly terrifying him; he doesn’t know why he hasn’t soiled his underwear yet – this time, the threat is no longer another human being that he’s capable of handling; it has transcended everything he’s ever faced before. It painfully reminds him that as humans, they are no match to these monstrous beings; that humans are no longer the apex predators in this food chain. However, Yuu stands his ground in face of the incoming threat, still hoarsely shouting instructions and signaling people to hurry the fuck up.

 

Shiroyama’s heartbeat loses its normal rhythm when he catches the glimpse of his younger brother in the distance, donned in the police officer uniform just like him. Kazuki’s current domain lies in the proximity of the Kaiju’s location; despite the hazard, his brother is dutifully helping people in that area evacuate, and that’s a major concern to Yuu. Selfish thoughts corrupt the normally dutiful Yuu’s mind at the idea of losing Kazuki – he thinks that the idiot brother of his needs to fucking forget his noble sense of duty and scamper to the goddamned shelter himself because the monster is close, so fucking close that Yuu can sense its presence without actually laying his eyes on it.

 

 _Kazuki._ He can’t even recognise his voice. Yuu extends his hand towards his baby brother but the other doesn’t seem to notice him. _Kazuki._ He fearfully looks up, seeing the gigantic alien monster looming above the skyscrapers nearby. _It’s coming closer._ The Kaiju emits another snarl, chilling Yuu to the bones as he desperately shouts his brother’s name again.

 

“Kazuki!”

 

Yet his cry gets lost in this chaos. Seemingly unperturbed, Kazuki continues to guide the civilians towards the other shelter even though the Kaiju is approaching his vicinity.

 

_Idiot, just leave those people be and run for your life-_

And then another building gets demolished by those powerful legs, concrete slabs raining upon panicking people. Many manage to avoid being crushed underneath the rubble, however, some aren’t so lucky. Fortunately, Kazuki manages to evade his death at that point since he reappears in Yuu’s vision seconds later. Shiroyama would have actually vomited on the spot, seeing blood soaking the asphalt underneath the broken concrete if it wasn’t for the actual culprit of this mayhem appearing in front of them. The Kaiju’s scaly arm swings towards the ground as it clumsily tries to grab the survivors.

 

Yuu desperately wants to dash towards his brother and save him from his imminent death, yet his legs remain rooted to the ground. Likewise, Kazuki remains frozen in his spot as if paralysed with fear. _Don’t just fucking stand there_ , Yuu cries, the dust has long coalesced with his tears that smeared his whole face. He wants to, no, _needs_ to come to his brother’s side and get him away from here as quickly as possible. If it’s a universal law of life that big brothers must always protect their baby brothers, then how come his feet wouldn’t even move by an inch towards Kazuki’s location?

 

Is Yuu more scared for _his_ life than his brother’s?

 

At the same time, Kazuki seems to be completely unaware of Yuu’s inner torture, still immobilised with fear. The Kaiju seems to have noticed him based on its bloodthirsty gaze directed at him but he stubbornly remains in his spot, as if he has been waiting for this very moment all his life and has finally succumbed to his impending doom; because unlike many other people he was desperately trying to save before, he just remains stationary there, staring dumbly at the rapidly approaching limb.

 

_KAZUKI-_

 

Under his desperate cry, the monster gets the hold of his baby brother along with several more before they all disappears behind those gnawing jaws.

And then Shiroyama sees red, red and _red_ everywhere.

  __________________________________________________________________________________

“Hey, snap out of it!” Kouyou yells at the dumbfuck on his left. “Hey!”

 

“It’s no use.” Shou is on the verge of pulling his hair apart. “Shit-shit-shit-” The failsafe is disabled for some reason - turning off that switch didn’t revert the countdown for the I-19 Plasmacaster’s launch. They’ve never had a serious breach like this in their system before – Shiroyama Yuu’s neural link with the Jaeger must have been far too strong, and it ended up overriding the system. Another few minutes and the whole Shatterdome is going to be completely wiped out.

 

“ _Yuu, please come back to us_ ,” Yutaka pleads through the microphone.

 

“C’mon, sonnyboy, you can do it.” Ando nevertheless starts to panic internally. All these years he has served in PPDC, this has never occurred before. As the Jaegers were regarded as the pinnacle of their technological advancement, failure of the emergency switch was unheard of.

 

“Idiot, it’s just a memory,” Kouyou tries his best to coax the other but the elder’s gaze remains fixed on some imaginary being in front of him. “Shiroyama-”

 

And then, Yuu finally speaks up. Well, more like _mumbles_ to himself.

 

“Kill…”

 

“Hey-”

 

“Kill-”

 

“Shiroyama!” Out of all people who have latched onto a memory, Shiroyama is definitely the first one to activate the fucking _plasma cannon_. “Shou, is there any other way to externally deactivate the _whole_ Jaeger? Like a system shutdown of sort? ”

 

 _“Nakigahara is not a digital Jaeger.”_ Despair nearly overcomes Shou because there’s no way they can turn the Jaeger off by simply shutting the system software down. _“She’s a nuclear analogue, so-”_

 

“Then shut the fucking nuclear reactor down,” Kouyou hisses at the screen. “NOW!”

_“But it’s going to shut everything else off!”_

“Do what he says,” completely out of solutions, Ando desperately orders the mission controller to follow the Ranger’s words. An obedient subordinate he is, Shou decides not to question his supervisor’s choices and immediately scrambles to the other side of the room.

 

 _Fuck, where was it again?_ He hastily locates the control system of the primary nuclear reactor, which charges the _nuclear vortex turbine_ powering this Jaeger. Instead of pulling the handles down or turning off a different combination of switches, he crawls underneath the panel and forcefully pulls a bunch of power plugs out, effectively shutting _all_ power down in this local command centre. _Nakigahara_ instantly drops her arm, and the ring of bright matter around it dissipates into nothingness – _fuck yeah_ , Shou has succeeded in thwarting Yuu’s (unconscious) attempt to fire the plasma cannon, thus saving them all from a morbid outcome. Gasping, the mission controller remains on the floor for some time to regain his normal breathing, his uniform damp with sweat. _That was a close one_. Seconds later, he turns the power back on and the room lights up once again, thankfully, with the Jaeger deactivated now due to the disengagement of the neural bridge.

 

With the link severed, there’s nothing left to hold Yuu’s consciousness, so he drops down onto the platform. Seeing the brunet faint, Kouyou unfastens the gears around his armour and quickly runs to the other man’s side. Shiroyama’s glazed eyes denote stupefaction, his mind still wandering deep in the memory that caused him to react so strongly. That’s one of the consequences of an abrupt disconnection from the Jaeger; an analogy would be ejecting the USB improperly from the computer. Similar to the USB, improper shutdown can potentially corrupt the person’s mind.

 

Kouyou takes Yuu’s helmet off and snaps his fingers in front of the other’s face. “Hey!” Receiving no response, he then shakes the older man’s motionless body, but to no avail. “Are you for real…” Frustrated, Kouyou tries to come up with another way of ‘waking’ the other up and before he can fully realise what he’s about to do, his fist collides with Yuu’s cheek in one powerful stroke.

 

While excessive in nature, it seems to have worked because the blow causes Yuu to refocus his eyes, his face scrunching up in pain as he palms the abused surface. “Ouch!” He directs a glare at the person who dared to punch him in the face. As if this isn’t going to exacerbate his existing headache. “What was that for?!”

As the other regains his senses, a victorious smirk finds its place on Kouyou’s lips.

 

“Wouldn’t have needed to resort to that method if you hadn’t tried to fire the plasma cannon at us.”

 

“I tried to do _what_?” Yuu stares at him in utter horror.

 

After they change out of their drivesuits, the techs escort them back to the command centre, where everyone is anxiously awaiting them. Glimpsing Yuu’s silhouette in the distance, Akira immediately runs up to him and pulls him into a bear hug. A wide grin on the blond’s face holds no indication of the terror Yuu subjected everyone 10 minutes ago, when he nearly succeeded to trigger a lethal weapon within the confines of the Shatterdome.

 

“Dude, you totally _killed_ it.” Akira beams but soon realises his poor choice of words, seeing others frown in disapproval. Too soon? “I mean, that was an amazing effort for a first timer!”

 

“Are you okay?” Instead of congratulating the elder, Yutaka gently places his hand on Yuu’s shoulder. The hand then slides to Shiroyama’s back and starts rubbing soothing circles. Admittedly, Yuu definitely needed this comforting display after that whole ordeal.

 

“I still can’t believe you managed to fully synchronise with Kouyou.” Yeah, who gives the fuck that they almost _died_? Akira reckons gods must have heard their prayers by bestowing Yuu to the Shatterdome. “Un-fucking-believable.”

 

“But then, at his expense!” Yutaka hisses at his co-pilot who seems to ignorantly disregard Yuu’s current condition; the man clearly looks traumatised by this experience. Uke’s eyes, however, soften as he looks back at Yuu. “How are you holding up?” but receives no reply from the other.

 

“Kid, you scared the shit out of us,” Ando sighs, threading fingers through his long tousled hair. “Shou nearly pissed his pants, by the way.” He can’t help but snicker at the mission controller who rolls his eyes in response. “But yeah, good job on your first try.” The Marshall pats him encouragingly, his mouth stretched into a wide grin.

 

“Congratulations, man.” It’s Shou’s turn to offer him a friendly smile, yet Yuu doesn’t miss the dampness evident on the guy’s forehead and shirt, and instantly feels guilt creeping to his chest. “You’re the first person in five years to achieve the Neural Handshake with Kouyou.”

 

“Thanks.” Despite the praise he received, Yuu can’t even find strength to smile properly. How could he when he nearly _killed_ everyone in here? “And I’m really sorry for causing everyone so much distress.”

 

“No-no, it was partially my fault,” Yutaka tries to reassure him, gently squeezing his shoulder. “If I had known this would happen, I wouldn’t have encouraged you-”

 

“Actually, Kouyou and I were being pretty pushy about this, so that makes us responsible as well.” Akira glances at his best friend, who is yet to speak up ever since he and Yuu got out of the Jaeger.

 

“As the supervising officer, I’m also to blame.” Ando butts in. “I shouldn’t have authorised the ‘drift’ before some training has been done.”

 

“I still consented to participate.” Yuu honestly doesn’t want to be a part of this self-blaming circle-jerk. His head is still bursting from pain, so he needs to get away from this aural turmoil as soon as possible. The ‘drift’ has also worn him out. “Also, it’s been a…hectic day for me. My shift starts at ten and I don’t want to be late on my first day of work.”

 

“Yuu…” Yutaka looks at him forlornly, probably guessing the reason of his departure correctly.

 

“Sorry, but I shall excuse myself now. Thanks everyone for today and have a good night,” Yuu says without looking at anyone in particular and swiftly exits the room. His chest feels heavier than usual, as if an unknown force is gripping his heart tightly. Yuu can barely hear his footfalls, as the sound of his frantic heartbeat overwhelms him. What happened during the ‘drift’ – the pungent smell of smoke, the ear-splitting screams, the vision of his baby brother being devoured by a monster – all felt too real to be just a memory. Shiroyama’s fingers tremble as watery lines cascade down his cheeks. It’s already been five years and normally, this event would fade to the dark recesses of his mind, yet today it’s been more lucid than ever; as if he’s stuck in that never-ending cycle, where he has to see his brother’s flesh being torn apart by those grisly teeth all over again. While Kouyou’s memory of Takanori’s no less gruesome death didn’t do his already troubled mind any favours either, his own recollection still superseded it. The neural bridge blended their feelings together all too well, further amplifying his reaction, crashing into him like a tsunami.

 

His legs threaten to fail him, but Yuu is determined to drag himself towards his room if he must. Still shaken from this ordeal, he nonetheless promptly wipes his tears away as he walks down the corridor. While people in the corridors have already shown to mind their own business, he still prefers to keep such weakness to himself. As Yuu reaches the so-called living quarters of ‘lesser’ staff members (i.e. non-Rangers), he suddenly falters in his steps. Thank heavens this place is currently devoid of human presence besides him, so he allows himself to rest against the nearest wall and close his eyes momentarily. The dimly lit area serves as a perfect camouflage for someone who wishes to remain unnoticed right now. However, Yuu knows that he can’t afford to stay here for too long, as he needs to get some actual rest before his shift starts. Tardiness is never welcome, regardless of his activities today. Shiroyama’s decision to spar and ‘drift’ were (semi-)voluntary after all, so it’s definitely not a good excuse.

 

He has to keep moving forward.

 

Yet a strong pull stops him from doing so, and before Yuu can fully understand what the heck is going on, he’s being roughly pushed against the very same wall he was leaning on before. But this time, his back is flat against the wall and a pair of lips crashes his. A forceful tongue pushes its way past his lips, caressing his own tongue. Instinctively, they briefly fight for dominance before Yuu is forced to succumb to the sudden intruder who also manages to occasionally sink their teeth on his lower lip. Meanwhile, the wet appendage explores every nook and cranny of his mouth, causing him to moan through this bruising kiss. Stunned, he can’t even lift a finger against the person who just blatantly assaulted him like this-

 

“My destructive sense of nobility doesn’t let me go back on my word,” Kouyou mutters against his lips once he pulls himself apart from Yuu, a string of saliva connecting their lips.

 

Shiroyama feels somewhat confused. While everyone in the command centre was raving about their successful synchronisation, he knows it was still technically a failure. Moreover, he almost slaughtered them all with a weapon used against the Kaiju – the fucking _Kaiju_ , not his fellow human beings. Imagine the scale of damage - it would have been a disaster!

 

But oh well, he has never said that he’s ‘drift’ compatible with Kouyou.

 

“Now you know I’m not the ‘one’ for you.”

 

It’s just he didn’t actually expect Takashima to go along with his condition and actually fulfill it in the end.

 

“It comes with practice.”

 

“I can’t do it.” Yuu weakly pushes the other man away. While he wasn’t even trying to become a Ranger, now he definitely knows that he’s not cut out for it. And somehow, it makes him feel rather relieved than disappointed. Fewer qualms regarding this matter, so to speak. “I really can’t.”

 

“Can’t or _won’t_?” Kouyou probes.

 

“You saw what happened there.” His voice has never sounded this broken before. “I’m sorry-”

 

“Cowards will always have an excuse,” the younger man interjects in frustration, as he moves away from Yuu.

 

“At least I tried.”

 

“And it’s not bad,” says Kouyou. “But still not good enough.” He then proceeds to walk away, leaving the distraught brunet behind in the semi-darkness.

 

With his back still pressed against the wall, Shiroyama can only follow the other man’s retreating figure with his empty eyes.

 

So he guesses that they are back to the square one.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's 4 in the morning, and i'm too tired to proof-read this twice, so i'm really really sorry if there's a lot of mistakes (as usual tho). tbh, i'm not that happy with this chapter - which is dry af - but oh well, i just gotta do what i gotta do lol also, i'm not sure which rating i have to put for this fic due to one scene in this chapter, but i guess i'll see how it goes in the next one :-D
> 
> warnings: mentions of self-harm and past suicide attempt

Shiroyama’s shift starts at 10pm. To his surprise, his _actual_ boss is a nice elderly man (when he anticipated to meet a hunk with a stern face instead) who assigns him to guard the science laboratory. There’s already a CCTV overseeing this place, but additional security measures probably won’t hurt.

 

His post comprises of a reception counter with a computer instead of a traditional booth for some reason, but he doesn’t complain – Yuu’s never really been fond of enclosed spaces just like the claustrophobic majority of this society. He’s also given a keycard to the lab in case other staff members – besides higher authorities who have their own passes - need to access it. Oh, and also a Beretta M9, of course. Yuu sincerely hopes that he won’t need to use the pistol anytime soon.

 

Nothing cohesive comes to his mind that could explain what’s possibly hidden behind those huge metal doors, but then he doesn’t ask unnecessary questions. The discipline he inculcated during his police days has played a part in this: you have a job to do, so do as they tell you without any queries. Still, he has some doubts regarding the necessity of having a security guy here since, to his knowledge, most of the research on Kaiju has been halted lately, and the rusty look of these gates clearly consolidates his doubts. But again, he just does what he’s told to – it’s none of his business after all.

 

Perhaps, Yuu should actually focus on the fact that his earlier intermittent headache has seemed to subside after a good three-hour nap.

 

Yuu would continue to slouch in his chair, with his feet propped on the counter, and scroll through his phone absentmindedly if it wasn’t for the approaching silhouette of the younger _Karasu_ pilot. Yutaka must have been an incarnated angel because Yuu cannot fathom what favour he did for the younger man to become a subject of such amicable treatment from the other; unless his goal still includes sweet-talking Yuu into joining their ranks since Shiroyama is the only person who complements Kouyou so far, to his own misfortune. Nevertheless, the corner of his lips lift up as Yutaka draws closer, his expression mirroring Yuu’s.

 

“I didn’t see you around during dinnertime, so brought you some food.” Uke places a nicely packaged bento box on the counter; Yuu almost drools when he notices pieces of what it looks like grilled Wagyu beef.

 

_And they say that PPDC is nearly bankrupt, pfft._

 

“Holy shit, Yutaka, you’re a lifesaver!” He beams at the other, graciously accepting the food. “I slept through all these hours, so kinda forgot to come down to the mess hall.”

 

“I know how exhausting it can be.” The crinkles around Yutaka’s lips deepen, as he eyes the elder. As expected, the temporary radiance in Yuu’s disposition diminishes at Yutaka’s allusion to the earlier ‘drift’. “It does take a lot of stamina to withhold Kouyou.”

 

Shiroyama has two choices: brush the other man off because he’s not in the mood to discuss the earlier event or politely continue the conversation since Uke came all the way here to deliver Yuu food when he has no obligation to do so. A courteous person Yuu is, he goes for the more civil option. Nonetheless, he still tries to alter the course of their conversation to a slightly different direction.

 

“How do you manage it?” It’s a rather innocuous question. A legitimate one as well, since Yuu clearly harbours genuine interest for this topic.

 

“You get used to it,” Yutaka replies softly, trying to decipher the unknown emotion in the elder’s eyes apart from potentially feigned interest. “It’s draining but once you stabilise yourself, you’ll be able to build an amazing connection with Kouyou. Not trying to exaggerate or anything, but he truly becomes a part of your world.”

 

The recollections of his afternoon involuntarily start to creep back into Yuu’s mind, be that traumatic ‘drifting’ experience or the aggressive kiss he shared with Takashima. While the first memory rudely unleashed the explosive emotions he tried to bury deep in his mind for agonising five years with therapy and pills, the second experience was anything but unpleasant. As much as Yuu try to delve into that matter deeper, he still cannot compute the other man’s motives. Their traumas aren’t all that dissimilar yet they seem to have adopted a different approach to it. Wouldn’t have Takanori’s death repelled Kouyou from continuing his career? Because that’s the choice that Yuu made after witnessing his brother’s death while on duty - no sane man could possibly continue to patrol calmly right where monstrous claws snatched their baby brother away. Yuu’s beloved post, his dear colleagues - his pride and joy – he had to relinquish it all to placate those troubled thoughts and prevent them from returning ever again. Yet Kouyou’s kiss seemed to have quelled that fear, taking the distress away with mere contact of his lips.

 

There’s neither passion nor affection in that physical contact – only understanding, the intimacy that only two of them shared, something that no one else is allowed to feel. And for once, Yuu doesn’t feel like the only one lost in this darkness that enshrouded him again after so many years.

 

He would be foolish to deny the existence of that connection, yet not so ready to savour that moment anytime soon. There’s still a sliver of hope in Shiroyama that tempts him with reckless notions of the ‘drift’ being something bearable yet they become quickly suppressed by his more rational side. He has fulfilled his courtesy and no longer has a reason to involve himself in such troublesome activity.

 

“I heard that Kouyou also got out of alignment,” Yuu says instead, his chopsticks capturing some pickled vegetable.

 

“Yep, about a minute or two before you.” Yutaka’s words are almost comforting, if it isn’t for the gnawing guilt within him as he remembers his unintentional attempt to wipe out everything within a kilometer around him.

 

“Do you know what caused that?”

 

“No, we never passed the thirty percent mark.” Uke shakes his head. “As you can see, we aren’t compatible. But you are, and we haven’t had such success in five years.”

 

“It’s still too early to celebrate. Firstly, it was technically a failure. Secondly, my answer stays the same.”

 

“I know.” Yutaka smiles, the familiar hint of sadness brushes over his lips. It seems like they are stuck in this never-ending cycle of _‘I sort of want to respect your decision but sort of want to push my agenda at the same time’_. “I’m not here to push you but if you ever want to have a second go, you’re more than welcome. This time we’ll prepare you first.”

 

Yuu nods his head for the sake of appeasing the other superficially, however, he prefers not to lie to himself that there’ll be a ‘second go’. His gaze falls on the laboratory’s huge metal doors instead. While he was hoping to indulge himself in some other topic besides Jaegers-related issues, his mind now refuses to forgo those memories he saw during the ‘drift’. Meanwhile, the _Karasu_ pilot doesn’t look like he’ll be entirely happy to discuss Takanori yet, so Yuu respectfully leaves that aside. That certain memory involving much younger versions of _Nakigahara_ pilots is also extremely private, so he doesn’t feel right sharing it with an outsider. So he chooses to discuss another memory because the silence between them is becoming unbearably suffocating.

 

“There’s one memory I’ve seen.” The awkward silence lapses as Yuu’s voice reverberates against the walls. “It’s about Marshall Niimura.” Yutaka was also present in that memory, so maybe he isn’t breaching confidentiality by revealing it after all. “How did he figure out that the Kaiju enter the Earth through a portal at the bottom of the ocean?”

 

Yutaka seems to be surprised by his question. It’s been a long time since anyone’s been interested in this topic.

 

“Niimura-san, he did something we’ve never thought of, and that is ‘drifting’ with the Kaiju.”

 

Yuu doesn’t bite back a surprised gasp. It’s taxing enough to ‘drift’ with another human being, let alone a Kaiju. _How?_

As if read his mind, Yutaka explains. “Our Marshall was always…peculiar, for the lack of a better word. A genius of sort. The only person who could manage to solo-pilot a Jaeger.”

 

“Is it even possible? Didn’t you say that the ‘drift’ mechanism was created to prevent the neural overloading in the first place?” Isn’t this why pilots had to go through memories so painstakingly together just to activate the machine?

 

“And you’re absolutely correct. It’s much more advantageous to ‘drift’ with someone instead but that doesn’t make solo navigation all that _impossible_. But yes, you remembered it correctly: one-man navigation indeed puts you under tremendous stress, so the Marshall could only do it once. It was his first and last time navigating a Jaeger by himself.”

 

Yuu recalls that he only heard one person’s voice from the communication box in Kouyou’s memory.

 

“We used to have a prototype for Mark-1 Jaeger, and that’s what Niimura-san used for his last mission. Due to his incredible stamina, not only did he manage to navigate the Jaeger but also ‘drift’ briefly with the Kaiju afterwards. If our presumptions were correct, the Kaiju unwittingly shared the knowledge with him, so he ended up finding out about the portal. But of course, regardless of his stamina, the Marshall was still a human being so he didn’t manage to maintain the connection long enough to get all the necessary information – the intensity of the neural bridge overloaded him.”

 

And Yuu wholeheartedly believes this story. Only one question: how the hell did Niimura manage to find a Kaiju that would cooperate with him?

 

“The Marshall brought a Kaiju head back from one mission. It created a rift in the PPDC but the higher ups put it down when it was settled that the head was only meant for research purposes. But yeah, that head is now securely stored in this science laboratory.” Yutaka flicks his thumb in the direction of the metal doors. “There’s a reason this is a restricted area.”

 

Yuu pales a few shades whiter, suppressing his imagination of something so hideous being so close to him. And who on earth would want to go in there?

 

“Has anyone ever worked on that head after Niimura-san?”

 

“Not that I know of,” Yutaka frowns. “The rest of us were too scared. I remember how Niimura-san changed so drastically after that ‘drift’. He became more determined but also more…paranoid? Most importantly, that made him embark on that one-way mission the same night he ‘drifted’ with the Kaiju even though he could have done it the day after. But yeah, he also told us to never touch that head and even better – dispose of it. That baffled everyone of course, but many weren’t too delighted about having Kaiju’s parts in the Shatterdome in the first place. However, as the authorities put so much effort into keeping the head, it was stored away instead.”

 

Yuu’s eyes shift towards the science laboratory again. Admittedly, he feels like throwing up after this new information. Out of all places he could be possibly stationed, it has to be the place where a part of the species that slaughtered his brother is being held.

 

Well, guess who’s going to increase his Valium dose tonight.

 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

Contrary to what he expects, Shiroyama’s days pass in relative peace. Nighttime is the roughest due to the ominous presence of the Kaiju head behind those doors and turbulent sleep when he’s off duty. However, it becomes bearable during the day: Yuu spends most of his afternoons frolicking around the Shatterdome with Akira and Yutaka since the Rangers barely went on any missions nowadays due to Kaiju’s sudden divergence towards America’s West Coast instead.

 

He doesn’t get to see Kouyou much – maybe a glance once in a while – but soon starts to feel like a piece of him is missing; it’s not even because the object of his aesthetic gratification is no longer near him; no, it’s certainly something entirely different. Like a part of his body has been roughly ripped off, the wound left to bleed and fester. Yutaka’s words are eerily prophetic after all.

 

Yutaka’s explanation to this phenomenon – dubbed as ‘Ghost Drift’ - entailed references to their successful synchronisation. Following the rules of chemistry, when a strong bond is formed, it will want to last unless external factors break it, and first timers usually fall prey to this effect more easily. It’s a normal physiological process: the other person accesses your memories and when the compatibility is high, they unwittingly lurk into the territory of your innermost fears and embarrassment. They witness memories that you’d rather erase; lucky ones will only have those that make you want to cringe or hide in shame, but less fortunate ones will possess those that will make your body tremble in fear and your mind go haywire. Either way, trust between partners is formed as a result. And with time, you are able to create bonds like this with other compatible people rather than being stuck with one person only.

 

However, Kouyou’s perpetual absence doesn’t seem to indicate him reciprocating even an ounce of Yuu’s feelings.

 

And that goddamned kiss, the ghost of it keeps burning Shiroyama’s lips as if he was sixteen all over again, sharing his first kiss with his long-time crush. And, of course, Akira wouldn’t go easy on his infatuation, as he becomes the target of the other’s teasing.

 

“Maybe if you do it again, he’ll reward you with another one.”

 

Yutaka isn’t around currently (having to attend to some business at the Jaeger Academy) for him to yell _“Akira!”_ indignantly at the older man for such insensitive comment. A joke or not, Shiroyama may have not completely gotten over his previous ‘drifting’ experience yet.

 

“But in all honesty, bro, it’s gonna pass.” Akira says reassuringly, baring his perfect teeth as he offers him a friendly grin. Still, what should Yuu do in the meantime to curb these feelings? Shiroyama has no choice but cringe when he compares his situation to an unrequited love story without actual love being involved. Seriously, they barely exchanged words for them to even qualify as anything but acquaintances.

 

He has to make sure if this has anything to do with his attraction to the other man.

 

“Does this happen to a much older pilot and-” Yuu almost feels guilty for insinuating something so morally wrong like this. “...a kid?”

 

“Ew, _no_.” Akira shoots an unsympathetic glance at him for even conjuring such disgusting idea. “I mean, they _will_ form a strong bond if they are compatible. Honestly, the main thing you get out of this process is trust and, consequently, fondness for your partner, which doesn’t always have to be sexual. Like I’ve mentioned before, siblings and parents are the next candidates in terms of forging the strongest bond with you. And I mean, you don’t have to necessarily lust after your sister…By the way, do you have any siblings? Good-looking guys like you probably have an even prettier older sister.” Suzuki adds with a laugh.

 

“A younger half-brother, actually.” Yuu corrects the other with a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

 

“Does he want to become a Ranger by any chance?” Suzuki winks, totally not catching the mood. Unlike his much more astute co-pilot, the blond’s forte doesn’t lie in deciphering other people’s body language.

 

“He _did_ ,” Yuu has no reason to lie. His family, however, didn’t have enough money to enroll the boy into the Jaeger academy, so they settled for the local police academy instead. Moreover, Kazuki wasn’t by any means a gifted child unlike Takashima and Matsumoto who came from the PPDC’s special orphanage, raised exactly for this job.

 

“I guess your priorities change as you grow up.”

 

But Kazuki will never have such opportunity. Not anymore. He’ll forever remain as a police cadet, who is yet to become a full-fledged officer, yet to marry a nice girl and start a family of his own. He’s never going to see his older brother’s – no, scratch that - his own _parents_ ’ hair turning grey.

 

Kazuki is not even rotting somewhere six feet under. No, his little brother was simply devoured without a trace, forever written off the pages of history just like that. It took five goddamned years for Shiroyama to finally accept his brother’s death (it lasted longer than his own career as an officer). And his heart aches for their mom and dad who aren’t so ready to move on yet, still tearing up as their gazes fall on Kazuki’s baby pictures on the bookshelf.

 

But he isn’t going to share this with Suzuki. Although they grew closer during these few weeks, somehow Yuu feels that only Kouyou should possess such intimate detail of his life. It’s something that only two of them could share with each other.

 

Still, Shiroyama needs to find other ways of coping with these unwanted feelings. And there’s only one person who can help him.

 

__________________________________________________________________________

 

 

He truly believes that if Kouyou isn’t capable of sensing a newcomer’s presence, then no one else can. If anything, Takashima is ignoring him on purpose, as the younger one’s permanent frown seems to deepen when Yuu enters the combat room. The room remains submerged in the soothing fragrance of sandalwood, harmonious with Kouyou’s current pose suggestive of some meditating exercise. However, his current expression clearly denotes irritation, as Yuu probably disturbed his concentration with his sudden appearance. Nevertheless, Takashima doesn’t ask him to leave – at least not verbally, and in this case silence gives consent, so Shiroyama joins him in the lotus position.

 

“Is this what you do in your spare time?” Yuu grins at the Ranger but, as expected, his words fall on deaf ears. It takes more effort to discourage him though, as he slowly gets accustomed to the man’s rather borderline antisocial behaviour. Without further dilly-dallying, Shiroyama decides to go straight to the point since the other refuses to indulge him with a small talk. “Look, I didn’t come here to bother you,” then takes notice of a slight shift in Kouyou’s gaze. Good, he’s getting somewhere, so it seems. “I just would like to know how you cope with…certain past events.” He then specifies when the other man gives him a blank stare. “I mean, so that you don’t overreact during the ‘drift’.”

 

“So you’re planning to repeat it,” and it’s not a question.

 

“Not exactly.” Yuu can’t help but think that he’s further disappointing the younger man (as if there’s anything left to disappoint). “I can just feel that my emotions towards these memories are somehow _amplified_ , if that’s the right word. As if I’m feeling for _two_ people at once, whether it’s your memory or mine.”

 

“That’s because it’s not just memories but also emotions which are being shared.” The younger’s voice is cool but not all that hostile, much to Yuu’s surprise. “You should really get the basic theory right before you execute the action.”

 

“It’s not like there’ll be a ‘next time’.” Yuu rolls his eyes; he didn’t walk all the way here to get chastised for not doing his so-called homework. “It’s just that there’s this one particular memory that is now so vivid that I can barely sleep at night.”

 

“I’m not your free mental health service.”

 

“You still didn’t answer me.” Yuu dismisses the other’s snarky remark. “How do you cope with all this?” He’s not going to leave until he gets his desired answer. These people are partially at fault after all, at least for guilt tripping him into participating against his wishes; _take some responsibility, will you?_ Or maybe he just wants to find an excuse to interact with Takashima again, but that’s not something he’d like to dwell on right now.

 

“I’m not sure if you are legit serious or just fucking around with me because if anything, you’d see everything in my memories.”

 

And Yuu knows. He’s seen it himself, with his own eyes, immersed so deep in Kouyou’s memories. And he saw _that_ too. All he needs is confirmation from the other, personally, right out of the younger man’s mouth.

  
“Does it help?” Yuu stares intently into those hazel pools, as if seeking truth in them. “Do razors really make you forget?”

 

“Does pushing your head through a noose really absolve you of responsibilities?” Kouyou retorts, poison lacing his voice.

 

Flinching, Yuu completely forgets that in exchange for such private information about Kouyou, the other man also gets to trespass the acceptable boundaries of his privacy. But he won’t deny that rather thoughtless attempt on his own life shortly after the sudden loss of his baby brother. It would be too cruel towards his parents, who were yet to recover from Kazuki’s death (and still haven’t completely till this day).

 

“Razors confirm that you’re still alive; that life still flows through these veins.” Kouyou’s gaze drops down on his pale forearms, where blue vessels weave their way under his skin. “And stop staring at my arms, you won’t find anything there.”

 

Yuu has never pegged Kouyou as someone who would resort to such activity. To Shiroyama, he seems to be the strongest person alive but who knows, maybe the strength comes to him through that self-destructive act since for some it means empowering yourself; that way you show yourself that only _you_ can inflict pain so intimately to yourself; that you’re in control of your pain. “Suicide is for the weak.”

 

Yuu’s brows instantly crease into a frown at that statement.

 

“Here’s where you are wrong. What about Matsu-”

 

“He’s different from you,” Kouyou immediately interjects, leaving him no room to finish his sentence. “I know what your puny brain is thinking: that it’s the only way Takanori wished to die.” His eyes narrow into dangerous slits, creating an illusion of a snake-like glare. “Maybe he shouldn’t have done it, but he certainly died as a martyr rather from selfish thoughts.”

 

“Suicide doesn’t happen simply due to ‘selfish thoughts’.” Shiroyama isn’t that surprised how narrow-minded Kouyou could be. But it still _hurts_ that the other has this opinion of him. “It’s the result of constant despair and perceived miserable existence. Its precursor is mental illness rather than selfishness.”

 

“Whatever.” Kouyou clicks his tongue dismissively. “Natural selection doesn’t care about your feelings.” He then runs his right hand through his light brown strands, further disheveling them. “Fuck, now I lost my focus.”

 

“Wait!” Yuu gathers all his willpower not to grab the other’s hand as Takashima rises from the mat but stops his hand mid-air. He doesn’t want to initiate physical contact first as not to aggravate the other who doesn’t seem like he wants to be touched right now - Shiroyama came here to seek help, not to potentially start a fight. “There must be other ways to at least cope with these empty feelings right now.”

 

Kouyou stops halfway, an annoyed sigh escapes his lips. Sometimes he really regrets being the main driving force behind Yuu trying out the ‘drift’. Time to assume responsibility then.

 

“Train in the simulator and masturbate.”

 

“I beg your pardon?”

 

 _Tsk._ Kouyou knows that the elder heard him correctly.

 

“Jack off, beat your meat,” Takashima says in such nonchalant voice as if he’s talking about weather. “Play with your dick, I don’t know how else I can explain ‘masturbation’ to you?”

“I know what masturbating is,” Yuu mutters, a faint blush creeping to his cheeks. He definitely didn’t expect this.

 

“Well, that’s exactly what I meant.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

Now it’s Kouyou’s turn to roll his eyes. It’s not like they were six years old anymore.

 

“You asked me a question, so I gave you my answer.”

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________

 

So on his day off that night - being a good boy who listens to other’s advice - he jacks off to Kouyou’s face. Not quite literally (god forbid), more like imagining the other’s gorgeous face as he wraps his fingers around his arousal, jerking it roughly. His breathing is erratic, his heart pumps out a frenzied rhythm as he emits quiet moans. Masturbating has never felt so right _and_ so wrong at the same time, as the man who gave him this quite ingenious idea in the first place becomes the subject of his fantasies. _Take some responsibility, you jerk,_ Yuu bites back a rather loud moan, pressing hard on the right spots along the shaft. He imagines those slender, feminine fingers instead of his, pulling his dick in a rather rough manner, setting his hand into a tantalising pace, the younger man’s plush lips flush against his neck, biting him, bruising his skin, **_claiming_** him as Takashima’s-

 

Here he is, sprawled on his small single bed with his legs wide apart, pajamas pants long forgotten probably somewhere on the floor, his breathing refusing to synchronise with his jerky hand movements. The free hand soon starts fondling his sac, and he imagines Kouyou’s hand squeezing the tender flesh instead as he whispers dirty things into his ear, causing his face to flush an even deeper shade of red. Or how those sinful lips would move down to his chest and start to abuse his erect nipples now – he can’t help but tweak one of those stiff buds, shuddering from the additional pleasure that shoots down his groin. “K-Kouyou,” he doesn’t hold himself from moaning the other’s name, still feeling the ghostly sensation of those lips.

 

Oh yes, that feeling has not disappeared anywhere. It firmly stays there on his lips, reminding him of its burning presence. How well did Kouyou’s lips knead his ones, nearly deforming them due to the younger man’s forceful kiss?

 

Is this how Takanori felt towards his partner as well after his first ‘drift’? ‘Ghost Drifting’ surely elevated his own sexual appetite, he wonders if long-term co-pilots (who are lovers, of course) have to unleash their tension the same way. But it’s a rather rhetorical question because Yuu would be a liar if he doesn’t admit to witnessing pretty intimate memories involving the _Nakigahara_ pilots. Where they laid on top of each other on one of those small beds, their legs entangled, lips all over each other’s bodies. Or how the little one’s lips would find their way to Kouyou’s groin and wrap around his hardness, sucking on it meticulously; or how Kouyou would push the other one’s legs apart then envelop himself in tight heat, as he enters Takanori’s pliant body. Shiroyama clearly feels the tightness around his arousal as well, and he isn’t entirely sure if it’s just his hand mimicking that sensation. _Faster_ , he pulls his cock in a more aggressive motion, feeling a knot tightening in his stomach. _Harder._ He can almost hear Takanori’s moans inside his head as Kouyou slams into him.

 

Yuu wonders what if _he_ ’s the one who sucks on Takashima’s cock like a depraved whore. What if it’s _him_ whom Kouyou’s fucking into that old creaky bed so feverishly?

 

_Fuck-fuck-fuck-_

“Kouyou!” He exclaims, squeezing the head so tightly, as he climaxes with a heavy shudder, white, semi-transparent fluid spurting out on his exposed stomach. His body feels so sluggish afterwards, almost like it has no skeletal support whatsoever. He breathes out heavily, his chest rising up and down unevenly.

A shameful realisation soon dawns on him.

 

So…

 

He just jerked off to a memory of (ex-)lovers fucking.

 

Kouyou has ‘entrusted’ him with his memories when they ‘drifted’ and Yuu, being a complete asshole he is, simply violated it. He feels like a dirty voyeur now and looks at his fingers soiled with semen in disgust.

 

_Great._

 

When Takashima suggested him to masturbate, he probably didn’t mean to literally jerk off to him or even worse, his memory where he’s having sex with his late co-pilot.

 

Shiroyama can’t help but think that now they’ve synchronised it’s hard to remove those memories regardless of his wishes; especially the ones where Takashima is incredibly gentle to his former partner, as if Takanori is the most precious thing in the world to him. Something akin to jealousy lights up in Yuu but he tries to dismiss it – the _Nakigahara_ duo has a long history together, something an outsider like him can’t understand so this irrational feeling of his is totally unwarranted.

 

Yet he still cannot fathom how that haughty beauty capable of making anyone weep would hide sheer gentleness behind his thorny façade.

 

However, Yuu feels like he’s starting to slowly peel off that nasty disguise, one layer at a time. Kouyou wouldn’t have wasted his breath on him at the combat room earlier today if he truly couldn’t tolerate his presence. Hell, he wouldn’t have initiated the kiss himself irrespective of those harsh words he spits at Shiroyama. The initial bond has been forged, desiring to grow stronger with each encounter. He begins to see different faces of Kouyou instead of the perpetually disgruntled one.

 

And somehow that thought makes him frighteningly happy. For the first time in many years, he voyages into dreamlands without his normal dose of Valium.

 

 ____________________________________________________________________________________________

 

To many people’s surprise, Shiroyama actually starts attending simulation practices – again, not for the actual Jaeger training but rather to cope with his emerged memories. Kouyou’s destructive sense of nobility indeed prompted him to take responsibility for what happened during that ‘drift’. And Yuu sincerely doesn’t plan to live through that nightmare again since curling up into a fetal position isn’t the best way of spending his nights off duty. The simulator is much more forgiving on his psyche – it’s nowhere close to the real deal but any training is beneficial. Maybe the simulator’s illusions aren’t realistic enough as he can barely smell that pungent smoke or hear people’s agonised screams. Still, the pictures managed to send him into a shaking mess the first few times, to the point he had to increase the dose of his anxiolytics by a tenfold once. But ‘unsanctioned’ altering of the prescription can be potentially detrimental to health when it comes to benzodiazepines. So he masturbates instead while the safe dose slowly absorbs in his bloodstream. And if any psychiatrist hears about this method of dealing with past trauma, he’d be receiving a one-way ticket to the asylum.

 

But that’s how exactly he deals with it during the weeks that come by. Because it’s not just the dread he feels from that wretched memory but also these empty feelings, which flourished from the troubling attraction he feels towards a certain Ranger. He doesn’t completely understand why he harbours such feelings since he only finds Takashima physically attractive – honestly, there are other people in the world with a less shitty personality. Yet the ‘drift’ must have sowed that determination in him to constantly seek Kouyou despite the other’s animosity towards him. The fact that he barely sees the Ranger is not helping either. Shiroyama does everything possible to occupy his mind: he even familiarises himself with the control panel of the simulator’s Conn-pod out of desperation.

 

Meanwhile, Kouyou goes on missions by himself despite the protests from others who would rather have him contained in the Shatterdome. However, without a partner, his missions are fairly diplomatic in nature, as he merely travels to other branches of PPDC instead of engaging with Kaiju on the battlefield. Somewhere and somehow Yuu hears the rumours regarding Kouyou’s negotiating skills bordering to threatening. Whatever Takashima does though, he’s proven to be unquestionably good at it as he manages to convince other Asian branches to supply them with more Jaegers for the new generation of pilots once they finish their training. However, it seems like every man has their limitation since Kouyou’s other goal to relocate foreign Rangers to Japan doesn’t end in success – seems like Jaeger pilots are treasured more than Jaegers themselves in these dire times. It’s a pity since Kouyou himself can’t go on any combative missions yet.

 

…Until one day _Karasu_ gets dispatched to handle a level 1 Kaiju approaching Tokyo. Seems like a piss-easy job at first. Yet no one expects the monster to suddenly discharge a powerful electromagnetic pulse (EMP) blast that shuts down the Jaeger, therefore incapacitating it _completely_. Shiroyama’s heart sinks when communication with _Karasu_ suddenly gets cut off. Here they are, all exposed and vulnerable despite tonnes of metal shielding them from the Kaiju – a deactivated Jaeger is essentially equivalent to a bunch of metal scraps. And Shiroyama sincerely fears for them, fears to hear their names being crossed out from the list of active Jaeger pilots.

 

So Kouyou breaks his promise to never navigate the Jaeger on his own, because his friends’ lives mean so much more than a brief neural overload. You see, the Hong Kong branch supplied them with their old prototype of a solo-navigating Jaeger. And of course, Kouyou has to use it for this rescue mission. Marshall Ando, who’s a fervent believer of maximising numbers of survivors, authorises the mission. Kouyou gets a maximum of seven minutes to get ready before he gets dispatched to _Karasu_ ’s location. He indeed succeeds in controlling the Jaeger by himself and manages to eradicate the threat swiftly as the Kaiju’s EMP blast doesn’t affect nuclear analogue Jaegers. However, the downside of solo-navigating surfaces soon when he’s in process of locating the _Karasu_ pair when the mental stress finally overwhelms him.

 

Yuu almost has a heart attack when Kouyou’s link with the Shatterdome severs, his mind going berserk as thoughts of losing the younger man rush through his head. But Ando manages to somehow pacify him, reassuring that help has been sent to their location. Soon enough the rescue helicopters return to the base with the Rangers, fortunately unharmed; besides Kouyou, who’s been found completely knocked out cold inside his Jaeger.

 

Takashima wakes up two days later in the infirmary, feeling how the bed dips down unevenly to one side due to suspicious additional weight.

 

“Do you want to suck my dick so bad or something?”

 

Shiroyama’s eyelids flutter apart upon hearing the familiar baritone.

 

“Kouyou!” He doesn’t feign his smile. Yuu has no idea how he managed to doze off, in that crouching position by Kouyou’s bed, propping his head with his arms. Almost like Hachiko, he’s been patiently waiting for the younger man to finally come out of his two-day coma. Shiroyama couldn’t help but irrationally feel that he had to be right here by his side this whole time or he’ll lose Kouyou somehow, even if the Ranger isn’t going to disappear without him. “Not cool to make others worry about you.”

 

“Like I give a fuck.” Kouyou, however, groans in pain. He feels like his head is splitting in half, every inch of his body hurting like a bitch. Kouyou notes to himself that playing _kamikaze_ has consequences after all.

 

He flinches when Yuu suddenly grasps his hand, squeezing it tenderly. Surprisingly, he doesn’t jerk it away, blaming on the current lack of strength instead of admitting to enjoy the soothing warmth of the other’s palm.

 

“I thought I was going to _die_ when the communications with you suddenly got cut off.” Yuu’s voice is uncharacteristically soft right now, to the point he can’t recognise it himself. “I don’t know why, Kouyou, but the idea of losing you _terrifies_ me.”

 

“You barely know me.”

 

“I’ve seen enough of your memories to understand you.”

 

“Doesn’t amount to anything.”

 

“I’m not so sure about that.” How else a person can explain these feelings of dread and emptiness? As if a part of them is being forcefully taken away, severing this special link between them. Perhaps, that’s why co-pilots always strive to be in each other’s company – they nearly feed off each other’s presence. However, Shiroyama is not even a Ranger to begin with, so he really shouldn’t be thinking that far ahead. “You should stop being so reckless,” these words leave his mouth instead.

 

“And you should mind your fucking business.”

 

“I’m making progress on my own so have plenty of time to worry about you.”

 

“Oh yeah, beating meat helps a _lot_.” Kouyou doesn’t feel like discussing himself right now, so strays off from their initial conversation slightly, even if it has taken an inappropriate turn. And he sorts of achieves his goal because Yuu stops ‘reprimanding’ him, taken aback by this divergence in the topic.

 

“Does it make you feel any better if I tell you that it’s your face that I’m jacking off to?” Shiroyama deadpans as soon as he recovers from his initial surprise.

 

“Tell me something I haven’t heard before.” Kouyou is fully aware that he has many admirers who appreciate his good looks, well, one way or another. “Look, if you really want to blow me, just say so.”

 

“Really?”

 

_Well, his enthusiasm is totally uncalled for._

“How desperate are you?”

 

“Enough to suck you off right here.” Yuu’s serious face starts to somewhat unnerve the other. Kouyou’s perfectly aware of the fact that the elder finds him attractive but to _this_ extent…The ‘Ghost Drift’ must have had a profound effect on Shiroyama.

 

“We’re going to be kicked out of the infirmary,” he finally speaks up after a long awkward silence.

 

“It can wait.” Yuu smiles so sweetly, as if he didn’t just offer to suck the other man’s dick. “You need rest.”

 

But Kouyou would be a liar as well if he denies the fact that the ‘drift’ has somewhat affected him as well.

 

“A creepy stalker like you probably knows the whereabouts of my room?”

 

Shiroyama’s affirmative grin can only indicate one thing:

 

They both know where they are going to be the moment Kouyou gets discharged.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i haven't written smut in ages, so hopefully it doesn't sound too rusty lol and due to the graphic smut, i have to increase the rating of this fic (but i guess no one will complain about it haha). also, this chapter is probably the second-to-last one, depending on how much info i can stuff into the next chap :D 
> 
> warnings: explicit content, rusty trombone (look it up), mention of self-harm, un-betaed

‘Ferocity’ seems to be interchangeable with ‘Kouyou’, as he slams Yuu into the nearest wall once they enter the Ranger’s private quarters. The elder doesn’t even get a chance to take a look at his dwelling, with the younger’s calloused hands firmly holding his face in one place, a pair of hungry lips fervently attacking his. This time, the kiss turns out to be even more violent since the pungent taste of copper soon spreads through his mouth, thus the pleasure unfurled on his lips becomes punctuated by bouts of pain. Yuu moans occasionally when Kouyou’s nimble tongue dwells on an erogenous spot longer than necessary, studiously examining every inch of this hot cavern; the tantalising sounds prompt Kouyou to deepen their kiss until Yuu has to briefly pull himself apart from the other for a breather, to recover the cadence of his heart. “W-wait.”

 

“You really need to work on your stamina,” the younger one grumbles at the loss of warmth and guides his lips towards Yuu’s neck instead, latching onto the pale expanse of flesh. His hands, earlier occupied with Shiroyama’s soft cheeks, slide down to press the older man harder against the wall as he continues to assault the sensitive neck, inch by inch, earning quiet groans in return.

 

His knee rubs harshly against Yuu’s still clothed groin, drawing a hoarse cry out of him, his own hands shake from the overwhelming touch as they hover above the younger’s shoulders, unable to rest. None of his previous partners have ever acted this aggressive before, yet Kouyou’s touches make his head spin; he feels so disoriented right now, incapable of feeling anything but Kouyou’s mouth and knee on the most sensitive parts of his body.

 

Or maybe he’s missed out on another spot because an unmanly squeal escapes his bruised lips, with blood still lingering on them, when icy fingers brush against one of his nipples under the loose fabric - through the haze, Yuu tries to recall when the hell did the younger one manage to whisk his hand under his shirt. Cold air causes his nipples to stiffen even further when Kouyou finally gets rid of his shirt, exposing his chest completely. Those plush lips capture the other nipple that is yet to undergo Takashima’s ministrations, driving the elder flat against the wall as the tongue expertly twirls around the erected bud. Yuu gasps for air when it becomes unbearable for his knees to remain still and has to gather all his willpower to push the other man away.

 

Kouyou looks at him questioningly, not without that trademark glare of his, yet his fingers don’t stop tweaking the nipple. “What?”

 

“Bed, p-please,” Yuu begs him, panting heavily. Who knew that foreplay could be _this_ good? “Or else I’m gonna…c-cum.” His face acquires a darker shade of red afterwards. No girl (or guy) has ever succeeded in driving him so close to orgasm without engaging in the actual act of penetration. But here, right now, he’s been reduced to a virgin who’s yet to unravel the true meaning of pleasure.

 

_Pathetic._

 

Takashima smirks, the smug look returning to his beautiful face. He snatches Yuu’s hand and leads the other towards the bed before pushing him roughly onto the mattress, which isn’t exactly the softest in the world. _Jeez, did they stuff it with bricks or something?_

 

“Take off your clothes,” the younger one commands as he unzips his bomber while hovering above the other man.

 

“Wouldn’t it be more practical if I undressed _before_ being pinned down?”

 

“Shut up and do it.” Kouyou merely snaps back, dismissing the other’s smirk, and finally takes off his shirt to reveal a toned chest – the result of lifelong training in combat - that makes Yuu drool in envy. Shiroyama, however, decides not to stare for too long, so as not to aggravate the other who already looks frustrated enough to either pounce on him or just leave him undone like that and find another, more compliant target. For some reason, the second idea leaves a bitter aftertaste in his mouth, so he kicks off his jeans at the lighting speed (well, honestly, as fast as he could in such uncomfortable position) and disposes of his boxers even faster. Yuu hisses when his hardened length meets the chill of the room then suddenly blushes, remembering his current circumstance: here he is, butt naked in front of his crush, whose engorged flesh is also out on display. Shiroyama shouldn’t be finding his current situation _this_ daunting since 1) he’s slept with men before, two to be exact 2) he’s bound to see Kouyou’s cock in the ‘drift’ memories, but these prior experiences didn’t seem to have any reassuring effect on him.

 

His gaze then drifts towards the inner part of Kouyou’s thighs, adorned by slightly darkened, corrugated scars.

 

“Are these…?”

 

It’s no wonder that he didn’t find any traces on the other’s wrists, which seem to be the most popular location for self-harm, well, at least how the mainstream culture depicts it.

 

“You’re paying attention to the wrong thing, idiot.” Kouyou slaps his approaching hand away, yet the Ranger’s own eyes linger on the bullet-shaped scar on Yuu’s shoulder a tad longer than they should. He, however, hastily shakes the memory off and decides to give the elder’s groin an appraising glance instead, with a smirk gracing his lips. “Cute.”

 

And that causes Yuu to instantly forget about the other man’s scars and heat up in embarrassment instead.

 

“Shut up! Yours isn’t that much bigger.”

 

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” Takashima scoffs. “But enough of this idle chit-chat, let’s get to the point.” He climbs on the bed and lies down halfway, propping himself against the headboard, then beckons Shiroyama with his finger to come closer. “Get above me on all fours but face the opposite way.”

 

“Huh?” Not sure if the elder just had a mental lapse because he stares at the other in confusion. “What for?” He thought they were going straight for _it_.

  
Kouyou nearly slaps his forehead in frustration. These endless questions may actually succeed in making his cock go flaccid. “Dumbass, we’re doing ‘69’ first or do I have to provide you with an explanation for that?”

 

_Oh._

 

“Aye, captain.” Yuu can only smile sheepishly, hoping that he didn’t completely ruin the mood with his incessant interruptions. He follows the other’s instructions, climbing over the younger man’s body but facing the other end, his face heating up being in such close proximity to the another man’s cock, so hard and stiff with a blue vein prominent on the flesh. On the other end, he feels Kouyou’s warm breath near his asscheeks, and that also contributes to the darkening of the blush on his face. This is the first time anyone has been this intimate with his backside and it certainly unnerved him despite all those fantasies he had while masturbating to Kouyou’s face and memories.

 

“Stop staring at my cock and do something about it!” Takashima growls, unwilling to waste any more time when the other man’s face is so damn close to his excruciatingly hard cock, so he unceremoniously grabs Yuu’s ass, prompting the elder to jerk towards the arousal.

 

Yuu apologises for being such a turn-off by sticking his tongue out to give the head a tentative lick, tasting the younger one’s precum. There was a tinge of bitterness in it, but he laps at the flesh anyway before taking it whole into his mouth. He hears a low growl behind him and feels how Kouyou’s hands start to knead his ass harder, yet to touch his cock in any way, let alone with his mouth. _’69’ my ass_ , looks like Shiroyama is the only one satisfying the criteria of this position right now. Nevertheless, he continues to suck on the head, trailing his tongue along its smooth lining, relishing in the way Kouyou squeezes him, massaging those taut globes with his hands. Yuu isn’t exactly a stranger when it comes to giving blowjobs so he knows where all the good spots are, starting from the opening of the urethra to the underside of the head surrounded by those cute tiny papules.

 

He starts to take more of Kouyou’s cock into his mouth, all the way until the coarse but neatly trimmed hair hits the tip of his nose. Humming, Yuu lets his tongue slither along the length as he engages periodic suctioning motions, earning appreciative grunts from behind. Kouyou is still being restrained, despite being the one who suggested that position, but soon enough Yuu feels a hand encircling his cock, the thumb smearing the precum all over its head. He moans hard when Kouyou starts to jerk him off rather roughly, his mouth sending vibrations down the length.

 

“Ch-cheater.” Panting, Yuu releases the younger’s cock with an audible ‘pop’, then turns his head around. “You aren’t even using your mouth.”

 

A grin spreads across Kouyou’s slightly flushed face, and Yuu thoroughly enjoys that view. “Let’s say it’s the _modified_ ‘69’.”

 

The elder pouts, not exactly satisfied with this explanation. Hey, he wants to receive something equivalent in return, and while the handjob is pretty decent he must admit, it is simply not enough.

 

“The good part is yet to come, so get back to sucking.”

 

Huffing, Yuu reverts his attention back to Kouyou’s cock, slightly softened from the lack of attention, and hollows his cheeks to take the whole length back into his mouth, until the head nudges the back of his throat. He stifles the gag reflex and continues to bob his head up and down the shaft again until he can feel the hardness return, filling his mouth completely.

 

Shiroyama still can’t fathom how the hell they ended up in Kouyou’s room in the end when the younger man seemed to hate his guts; how he ended up blowing the man he longed for these past few weeks while the other tugs at his cock so deliciously, pressing on all sensitive spots with his fingertips. Is the ‘Ghost Drift’ such a powerful phenomenon that it makes you desire your partner to the point of oblivion?

 

“F-fuck, keep going.” Kouyou hisses again, giving the elder a harder squeeze in response. “Hah, you’re really good at this, aren’t you _slut_.” If anything, the dirty talk only encourages Yuu to suck on the Ranger’s cock with added eagerness. The uninhibited desire has fully consumed him, so all he wishes to do is to lecherously lap on Kouyou’s flesh like some alleyway whore in Shinjuku Ni-chome. The younger man’s breaths are becoming more irregular, and he groans in disappointment when the tightness around his cock disappears; that until Kouyou’s hands return to their initial position on both sides of his ass, spreading them apart, the sensation of the other’s thumbs caressing the sensitive skin around his backdoor sends shivers down his spine.

 

Yuu tries to steady the pace of his mouth, but the feeling of a wet appendage flickering across his asshole causes him to pause abruptly in mid-suction. “Wait, wha-” but a chortled moan comes out instead when Kouyou’s tongue languidly swipes against the hole again. All of his blood seems to pool down in his groin, making him harder than usual – that doesn’t go unnoticed by Kouyou, who wraps his hand around the elder’s throbbing cock once again, giving it a harsh tug in sync with his tongue.

 

 _Holy shit_.

 

Yuu fucking _mewls_ into the cock having two of his intimate parts worked on so well. No one has ever given Yuu this treatment before and it’s so…so…fucking _good_ , to the extent of throwing his mind into disarray, leaving no coherent thoughts behind. He reflexively bucks his hips to the tandem of the other’s hand and tongue, trying to indulge in as much of this sweet sensation as possible but clearly understands that if that goes any longer, he’ll probably climax without being able to go _all the way_ tonight.

 

Clearly, this is going to be his debut at being on the receiving end, but somehow this idea doesn’t terrify him, and it’s actually quite the opposite. Yuu can barely contain his excitement, evident in the way he is wriggling his ass at Kouyou’s face, trying to get the younger one insert his tongue further in. This feels so _right_ but he needs more, something even bigger than this-

 

Takashima catches his thought somehow and so withdraws his tongue, receiving a displeased groan from the elder. “Don’t worry,” he smirks. “I’ll fuck you _good_.”

 

That’s enough to quell Yuu’s discontent, as he moans around the other’s hardened cock at the notion of finally getting ravaged.

 

On the opposite end, Kouyou reaches out for the top drawer of the nightstand in search for the lubricant and condoms. Yuu finally stops sucking on the other man’s cock and cranes his neck behind to follow Kouyou’s motions with hazy eyes. He unconsciously licks his lips when the Ranger uncaps the bottle and squeezes a decent amount on his fingers, smearing it evenly around them. Yuu’s never had anything inside his ass before, yet somehow it feels so right to long for it, so he waits for what’s about to come with baited breath. He heard it can be painful at the beginning or when done incorrectly, but surely his male partners didn’t lie when they writhed in pleasure as he slammed deep inside of them. And the way Kouyou’s former co-pilot was moaning as he was literally impaling himself on the other man’s cock in the those memories clearly outweighed the cons.

 

A hiss escapes his lips when a cold finger prods inside – it’s not painful but not exactly comfortable. However, he’s so fucking hard right now as if under the influence of the most potent aphrodisiac so it doesn’t really matter if there’s something going _into_ his ass when it’s supposed to be the other way around. However, a burst of pleasure rushes through him when Kouyou’s finger crooks inside to press on one spot that causes him to arch his back and jerk his knees violently.

 

“AH!”

 

“Found the motherfucker.” He bets Takashima looks all smug right now and gasps when the younger man wriggles his finger around the same spot. This must have been the infamous prostate that Yuu supposedly stimulated in his male partners in the past as well.

 

The Ranger adds another finger and this definitely stretches him further, but it still doesn’t feel as painful as he expected; especially, when the first finger keeps pressing repeatedly on the spot with the sensitive bundle of nerves so well, that his knees threaten to slide further apart. But this is still not enough, he needs more, even _more_ than this. As if possessing telepathic abilities, Takashima inserts the third finger and this time, he actually feels a twinge of pain. However, he braves through the discomfort, trying to concentrate on the delightful feeling of the preceding fingers stimulating the gland instead, and it works like magic because soon enough, he starts rolling hips towards those talented digits, trying to indirectly shove them in deeper.

 

“Hn, so g-good…” Yuu’s breathing hitches, eyes shut tight so as to savour the moment. However, the pleasure is not long lasting as Kouyou withdraws his fingers to Yuu’s disappointment, leaving behind some sort of emptiness in him. He responds to the loss of fullness with a borderline to bratty whine but soon gets a teasing, wet nudge at the entrance instead – seems like Kouyou already got out of his lying stance, put on a condom and even lubed his cock before positioning himself behind Yuu. “Hurry!”

 

“What an impatient slut.”

 

But Yuu doesn’t get to retaliate because Kouyou makes a sudden thrust, pushing the head of his cock into the tight entrance. Shiroyama lets out a pained cry and he’s aware that his own cock has wilted slightly from the sharp pain; after all, the size of Kouyou’s three fingers isn’t comparable to the girth of Kouyou’s arousal.

 

However, it’s still not enough and he needs _more_ , much more than this.

 

“Oi, I won’t be the one stitching up your ass afterwards.” Kouyou holds the other’s hips still, preventing the elder from needlessly ripping himself apart. “It’s your first time bottoming, so take it easy, you moron.”

 

“How did you know?” Yuu tries to stabilise his voice as his partner slowly pushes into him. While roughness is a part of Kouyou’s nature, he’s surprisingly gentle when it comes to penetration itself. That’s enough to make Yuu giddy, his heart fluttering treacherously at that uncharacteristic display of thoughtfulness, or maybe that’s what all decent partners should be taking into consideration because sex is supposed to be all about mutual pleasure _and_ trust.

 

Has Shiroyama been feeling good so far? Yes. Does he trust Kouyou? Absolutely. And he isn’t just saying it under the influence of post-‘drift’ effects.

  
“I know everything from your memories.” A smirk finds its way to Kouyou’s lips. “You were quite a decent top, huh.” Another few inches go past the taut rings of muscles, the inner walls clamping tightly around the slickened flesh. “But today, _I_ will be the one doing the fucking,” and then shoves it balls deep until all of its length is buried inside. _Fuck_. It actually hurts like a bitch but the moment the head has a direct hit on the prostate, a surge of pleasure avalanches through Yuu, drawing a half-pained, half-euphoric scream out of him.

 

“KOUYOU!”

 

So much for trying not to get his ass torn apart.

 

“Fuck, you’re so tight.” Kouyou rasps, gripping the other’s asscheeks, his nails digging into Yuu’s flesh. He relishes in the way the elder moans underneath him as he keeps hammering the other from behind. It’s always been Takashima’s go-to position, as it allows him to set the pace, thus giving him complete control over his partner. There’s also a bonus of having the full view of the other’s slender back arching beautifully every time Kouyou hits that sweet spot deep within him.

 

The cramped space becomes submerged in moans and groans, interrupted by lewd sounds of skin slapping against skin as Yuu rolls his hips backwards in frenzy, trying to meet Kouyou’s groin for the maximum impact. And as the pace quickens, his breathing becomes more and more erratic, his shaky knees having trouble to stay up and apart.

 

“Ah, ah!”

 

Yuu has never felt so _exposed_ before, but it feels so _right_ , as if his place has been underneath Takashima Kouyou all along; that all the suffering that the ‘drifting’ experience has brought him was worth it since it granted him a golden opportunity to become one with the object of his infatuation. Meanwhile, the fact that he only became dependent on this bond _after_ the ‘drift’ doesn’t really bother him. Insignificant technicalities. All that matters is Kouyou’s hot pulsating flesh inside of him, wrecking him completely.

 

“You like _that_ , don’t you, slut?”

 

He wants to keep crying out until his voice breaks, with tears of bliss streaming down his cheeks, yet only the slightest of sounds will come out. However, he doesn’t stop moving his hips towards Kouyou, unable to let go of the ecstasy the younger man’s erratic thrusts are giving him. His entrance is now loosened, allowing Kouyou’s arousal to slide in and out without much resistance, and the more the other pulls out, the harder he rams back in, making the elder’s knees shudder violently.

 

Yuu’s chest feels tight, as if invisible snakes have coiled around his lungs, squeezing every breath out him, before slithering southward all the way to his groin, where they spiral into a heated loop - Yuu knows that this sensation signifies imminent release; that in no time Kouyou will bring him to his peak of rapture.

 

“So c-close,” he emits a broken sob, his eyes blurry from so much pleasure pent up in his groin, gathering all of his strength to stay put and let Kouyou destroy him. “K-Kouyou!” His whole body seizes when that loop in his groin yearns for the release, and he climaxes with a loud cry, coating the bedsheets underneath with his semen. Takashima follows suit shortly with a low guttural growl, his cock throbbing hard for the last time, still lodged deep inside the elder.

 

He drops next to the already sprawling Yuu, who’s too exhausted to even assume a more comfortable position despite the emerging pain in his neck.

 

“Holy shit, that was…so,” Shiroyama tries to catch his breath, his head still dizzy from the intense activity, “-so fucking good.”

 

“Hmpf,” that’s all Kouyou contributes to their budding post-coital conversation right now. He hasn’t had an intense release like this in ages, and somehow it feels wrong. They aren’t even official partners, so there’s no point in him engaging in such intimate activities with the other, but somehow the pull after the ‘Ghost Drift’ was too strong to deny. Because there’s no way he’d be attracted to such a coward who won’t even consider the Ranger position that’s so fucking perfect for him.

 

When Kouyou looks at that blissful expression on the elder’s face, he cannot help but feel that he’s betraying his former co-pilot somehow.

 

But the dead can neither feel nor care about the living, so shouldn’t Kouyou be able to embrace the other without guilt on his conscience? But does it _actually_ work this way though? Clearly not, because a frown instantly appears on his face.

 

“I want you out of my room in five.”

 

But instead of an angry huff or even worse, hurt sniffle, his ears only register an amused chuckle.

 

“So is this just a one-off thing?”

 

God, how he loathes this type of questions, and thus doesn’t even dignify Yuu’s question with an answer, simply rolling to his other side, with his back facing the elder.

 

However, denying the obvious is futile - Takashima knows that once he’s found his partner compatible, it becomes impossible for him to stop the oncoming madness from unfurling in his heart.

__________________________________________________________________________

 

“You look…” Yutaka eyes him with overt suspicion across their lunch table, “happier?” And all Yuu can offer is his most radiant smile. It’s already the next day, yet the blissful feeling refuses to disappear, turning him into a giddy schoolgirl whose crush just agreed to go on a date with her.

 

“Man, you’re always glowing like a light bulb, but today just triumphs every other day.” Akira remarks after swallowing his pasta. “Did something happen between you and _him_?” He wriggles his eyebrows suggestively while grinning like the Cheshire cat. “Spit it out!” Then points his fork playfully at Yuu, as if threatening to stab the elder if he refuses to reveal his secret.

 

“Not too much information please,” Yutaka adds with a feigned cough before a sly smile forms on his lips. “But I’m all ears.”

 

Yuu doesn’t suppress a snicker. “I’ll think about it.”

 

“Oh come oooon,” Akira whines, flicking his fork dramatically to the side. “Due to our line of work, we may die at any moment, so the least you can do is share your juicy gossip while you still have time.”

 

The reality of their circumstance makes Yuu’s mood go sour but he maintains his grin because there’s no prize for being the killjoy, and thus provides them with a laconic, more or less PG-rated version of what happened between them. Akira, being Akira, doesn’t bite back a whistle, and as a result, receives a light punch in his shoulder from Yutaka, who offers Yuu a sweet smile instead.

 

While his friends are absolutely thrilled by the news, the person whose company he longs for the most still hasn’t given him an indication for any potential future development.

 

Kouyou stayed true to his words, so exactly five minutes later, Yuu was kicked out of the Ranger’s room, and Kouyou hasn’t contacted him ever since; which is sort of understandable because Shiroyama didn’t expect them to date right after - what it looked like - a one-night stand. Nevertheless, he has now confirmed that the attraction is not one-sided but rather bilateral, and maybe there’s hope that Takashima would want to consolidate that bond. Fat chance, but it still _exists_.

 

If anything, Yuu speculates that Kouyou built a wall around him to protect his heart after Takanori’s unexpected death had shredded it to pieces. Because the Kouyou he saw in his memories was not _as_ snappy and rude, so there’s a high probability that the tragedy majorly contributed to the shift in his character.

 

If they indeed get together somehow, will Takashima show him his gentler side too? Maybe he’s asking for too much, but a man can dream though he should always remember that often more than not, hope is merely a postponed disappointment.

 

Will they have to interact regularly to maintain this bond? If Yuu was to kick the bucket, would Kouyou mourn his death as intensely as Takanori’s?

 

But Shiroyama is not even a Ranger, so the probability of him dying anytime soon is pretty low.

 

Kouyou will probably forget him as soon as he finds his co-pilot…Didn’t Akira imply it? That expert Rangers are able to bond with several people instead of sticking to one partner?

 

The sudden static sound in the speakers, foreshadowing an announcement, snaps him back to reality while everyone else around him seems to have gone quiet, paying attention to the upcoming announcement.

 

_“Ranger Suzuki, Ranger Uke and Ranger Takashima, please report to the local command centre immediately. This is an emergency.”_

 

This already doesn’t sound pleasant. They eliminated one Kaiju less than a week ago, it can’t be that the threat has returned so soon? Say, there’s an impending Kaiju attack, are they going to dispatch Akira and Yutaka in _Karasu_ again? Because from what Yuu understands, the Kaiju have evolved to counter the newer technology of digital Jaegers, by emitting a transient burst of some radiation capable of deactivating them, so wouldn’t be safer to let them navigate an analogue one, like Kouyou’s?

 

Speaking of Kouyou…

 

Will they send him to the battlefield on his own if the _Karasu_ duo needs back up again?

 

Blood drains from Yuu’s face when the memory of the death-like looking Kouyou in the sickbed returns to him, causing him to clench his fists in anger. How could PPDC allow this to happen to one of their Rangers? How could Marshall Ando authorise such a risky operation? Where was Marshall Terachi when they could have sent _Akatsuki_ for reinforcements instead? Why wouldn’t other branches supply them with more Rangers since Japan is a hotspot for Kaiju attacks? And why Shiroyama himself could not do anything for his _partner_?

 

“Relax.” Seeing the elder’s uneasy expression, Yutaka gives him a reassuring squeeze on his shoulder. “Everything will be alright.”

 

_You guys should be worried about **yourselves** instead._

 

“We’ll catch up later during dinner.” Akira offers him an encouraging smile then flinches when the second announcement, now specifically stating that it’s a fucking _emergency_ and asking for _Karasu_ pilots to report to the command centre _right now_ , reverberates through the mess hall. “Shit, definitely gotta go now!”

 

“Otherwise, Shou’s going to give us an earful.” Yutaka sighs. Tardiness doesn’t suit him after all.

 

“ _Ciao bella!_ ” Suzuki says in a singsong voice, and then heads towards the exit together with his partner, leaving Yuu behind with their half-finished food and drinks.

 

Shiroyama finishes his food and puts away their trays into the dirty trolley.

 

He wonders what he should do to spend the rest of his afternoon until he meets up with the Rangers again for dinner. Visiting Kouyou is out of question since the man was summoned to the command centre as well, and even if he _were_ free, Yuu doubts that the younger one would be too happy to see his face so soon. However, taking into consideration what happened yesterday, would Kouyou be more inclined to tolerate him since they’ve gone past the first stage of intimacy (i.e. physical)? The more he ponders over it, the more he wishes for their meeting to end so that he can visit Kouyou sooner.

 

But the meeting probably just started, so Yuu needs to come up with something else to occupy himself. Realistically, he should probably take a nap after all since it’s his shift again tonight but instead calls up his mother, whom he contacts periodically. It’s been more than a month since he left his hometown, and so far he hasn’t come back to visit his parents. _Work_ , he says, which is not a complete lie, and his parents have always been understanding regarding these things.

 

He recognises his mother’s gentle voice when she picks up his call, and they end up chatting for an hour before she has to leave to do some grocery shopping and prepare dinner by the time his father comes back home from work.

 

Nothing seems to have changed, with his father still teaching Math to high school brats and his mother still fulfilling her role of a housewife.

 

And his little brother, long lost but never forgotten.

 

In truth, Yuu hasn’t really been thinking about Kazuki lately, his head preoccupied with thoughts of a certain Ranger instead. Although he feels slightly guilty that his brother suddenly slipped his mind, he knows that Kazuki wasn’t self-centered enough to ask his beloved older brother to mourn him 24/7. Shiroyama also realised that he skipped his daily dose of anxiolytics that night as well but still managed to sleep soundly in the end. Are things finally going uphill for him after the turmoil he had to endure for the past few weeks? Perhaps. Every cloud has a silver lining, so they tell you.

 

So maybe while he still has his lucky streak, he should utilise it the fullest i.e. go pester Kouyou right now without the fear of being rejected by the man.

 

And his hopes are fulfilled: the Ranger doesn’t kindly ask him to fuck off when Yuu shows up at his doorstep and even lets the elder in; not without his usual disgruntled expression, of course, but one step at a time, yeah. They still have plenty of time to work on that.

 

“How was the meeting?” Yuu doesn’t beat around the bush, as he shamelessly invites himself onto Kouyou’s bed, which causes the existing frown on the younger man’s face to deepen. Takashima, however, dismisses the boldness, somewhat drained from the earlier meeting, so simply rests against the door.

 

“And why do you care?” He, nevertheless, doesn’t see the point of Yuu’s small talk. Isn’t he here for another fuck? Or maybe Kouyou’s just enforcing his own ideas on the other because the yesterday’s experience showed him that they weren’t _just_ ‘drift’ compatible (but like hell he’s going to admit that out loud). “Becoming a Ranger wasn’t in your plans, was it?”

 

Of course, Kouyou isn’t going to become accommodating after one night. Yuu may be hopeful but he’s not stupid.

 

“I just don’t want to see your life hanging by the thread again,” he frankly admits, seeing that Kouyou is still unyielding as ever.

 

“Tough luck because it’s a consequence of my job.”

 

“Solo navigation can literally _fry_ your brain!” Yuu exclaims in indignation. “Pilots have _died_ from this, Kouyou, why can’t you understand that?”

 

“People die from cancer, but does it stop them from smoking? No,” Takashima grunts, irritated by the elder’s not-so nonsensical but still redundant outburst.

 

Any semblance of rapport with Takashima seems to have ceased to exist.

 

“You know exactly what I meant.”

 

“So I should have just left Akira and Yutaka there entirely _defenseless_ , to be at the mercy of the enemy?” Kouyou looks at him expectantly, taking a few steps closer towards the elder, then crossed his arms against his chest once he stops at a reasonable distance between them. “So you’re saying that _you_ ’d left them there to die, without even trying to save them first?”

 

Yuu bites his lower lip in shame.

 

“…Probably, not.”

 

“That’s exactly what I thought.”

 

Or maybe not, because Kouyou can’t claim that he knows the man’s intentions or values very well. Because so far Yuu has portrayed himself as someone who keeps running away from his problems, unable to face them properly; someone who cannot _accept_ his past despite having all means to finally do so. Because all he seeks is instant gratification, born out of an artificial connection that some dumb machine erroneously created between them. They don’t even know each other yet this goddamned technology has made them believe in the otherwise; or at least, made them _want_ to believe in that fantasy.

 

Still, he doesn’t push Shiroyama away when the elder rises from the bed to pull him into a tight embrace, burying his face in the crook of the other’s neck. However, it doesn’t mean that he would reciprocate the gesture.

 

“I really don’t know why,” whispers Yuu, his warm breath raising traitorous goosebumps on Kouyou’s skin, “but I can’t bear the thought of losing you.”

 

 _Your feelings aren’t even real,_ but Takashima just stands there rigidly like a mannequin, oblivious to how he’s supposed to act in this situation. His initial reaction was to shove the brazen man away, if not beat him up for initiating unwanted physical contact with him, but in the end accomplishes neither of them, fortunately for Yuu. Somehow, he feels that _this_ is the correct course of action, that he should just allow Shiroyama hold him like this, unnecessarily sharing his warmth with the younger man; that the elder’s touch feels like _home,_ as if he knows this man like the back of his hand.

 

How could there be so much sense of belonging in such unfamiliarity? How could this counterfeit link displace the life-long connection between him and Takanori so easily? Or maybe Kouyou is the one who couldn’t let go of the past after all. And the fact that he – a seasoned soldier - managed to fight his way out from the clutches of his traumatic memory quicker than a complete amateur like Yuu meant shit. Despite its complexities, the ‘drift’ feature is still just a piece of technology and will never completely grasp the depth of human emotions.

 

“There’s an upcoming coordinated Kaiju attack on the Western Pacific coastline,” Kouyou finally breaks the silence. “Two of them are heading towards Japan and will reach the mainland in approximately two days.”

 

“Oh.” Yuu is pleasantly surprised, not expecting the man to divulge the information so easily. “Are Yutaka and Akira getting dispatched in _Karasu_ again?”

 

“No, they’ll be taking _Akatsuki_ since they need an analogue version.” Fair enough, Ando’s partner is still on his sick leave, so it’s not like the Marshall needs his Jaeger.

 

There’s still the issue of the potential double attack.

 

“Are they going to be able to fend off both fiends at the same time?”

 

“They are only responsible for the level four Kaiju that is currently heading for Hokkaido.”

 

“Huh.” Yuu finally looks up at him, confusion written all over his face. “The Kaiju are attacking separate prefectures?” So it’s a battle on two fronts.

 

“That’s what the radar is showing us so far since the level three Kaiju seems to be aiming down south.”

 

“Where to?”

 

And maybe Yuu shouldn’t have voiced out his last question because as soon as the answer leaves Kouyou’s throat, the elder’s heart sinks into his stomach.

 

“Mie.”

 

Indeed, ignorance is bliss.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i lied because there's chapter 6 coming (i couldn't squeeze the rest of the stuff into chapter 5, rip). 
> 
> warnings: violence, OOC Kouyou, dialogues, not beta-ed, grammar & stylistic mistakes, the plot is so rushed goddamnit but hopefully it makes sense, yeah?
> 
> p.s i also realised that 'Marshal' = military rank vs 'Marshall' = a male name lmao

_“Darling? What’s wrong? Didn’t we just talk an hour ago?”_

 

Shiroyama doesn’t reply his mother right away, still unable to digest the information he received regarding the location of the next Kaiju attack. His hands are shaking violently, threatening to drop the overpriced phone he was saving up for many months. Swallowing, he’s about to say something but the words get stuck in his throat, no matter how hard he tries to force them out.

 

_“Yuu, are you still there? Hello?”_

“M-mom,” Yuu starts unsteadily, his voice gone hoarse for some reason, as he props himself against the wall, knees mirroring his own shaky hands.

 

A distance away, Kouyou has settled comfortably in his armchair; to the untrained eye, he’s giving an impression of someone just idly browsing his phone, but his ears are, in fact, currently tuned to the conversation Yuu is about to have with his mother.

 

The Ranger knows that eavesdropping is far from being a praiseworthy habit, but it’s Shiroyama’s own damn fault for calling his mother _immediately_ after becoming acquainted with the news. Had Kouyou been in his typical foul mood, he’d have already kicked the elder out of his room right after their conversation. However, his exhaustion clearly overpowered his desire to start another argument, hence he just let Yuu do whatever the fuck he wanted in his room; as long as he doesn’t pester the younger man with unnecessary questions because Kouyou clearly doesn’t have answers to them at this point.

 

Takashima, nonetheless, feels a pinch of sympathy for Shiroyama, as he scrutinises the elder’s alarmed expression. So this guy’s hometown is in Mie, huh? What a coincidence. Kouyou recalls being sent to that prefecture once to eliminate one particularly persistent Kaiju, whose attack resulted in many casualties. If his memory doesn’t fail him, it was five years ago when his former co-pilot was still alive. That Kaiju, whose name he can’t remember anymore, gave _Nakigahara_ one hell of a time, but they still managed to put it down successfully, and there hasn’t been any Kaiju attack in Mie ever since.

 

He’s inclined to believe that the attack happened in Yuu’s hometown since it was the only time the Kaiju targeted that prefecture. Before Kouyou was consumed by his own tragedy, he managed to see bits and pieces of Yuu’s harrowing memory but they were insufficient for him to confirm his guess. However, judging the way the elder reacted to the news, the Ranger’s convinced that he has hit the jackpot; which means that Shiroyama was present during that deadly attack five years ago, and his brother must have been killed on that day too, right before _Nakigahara_ arrived.

 

And it’s exactly the reason behind Yuu’s constant nightmares, his inability to rest without benzodiazepines, his fervent refusal to join the ranks of Jaeger pilots despite his high compatibility because he was too traumatised by the memory of his brother being eaten alive by one of those monsters, while he could only stand there and watch helplessly.

 

“Mom…” Yuu sounds so pitiful that Kouyou furrows his eyebrows, unsure if his decision to divulge the location of the next attack was right after all. “I need you and Dad to leave home for the next few days, as further away from Mie as you can.”

 

Kouyou tries to imagine how the mother’s face acquires a puzzled expression at such an unexpected request. At the same time, the elder starts fidgeting in one spot, trying his hardest to hold himself together.

 

_“What? Why?”_

“I was told that there’s a Kaiju heading for Mie.” He gulps visibly, as sweat drips down his forehead. “And it’s coming in two days’ time, so I need you guys to leave as soon as possible.”

 

There’s a brief moment of silence on the other end of the line before she speaks up again.

 

_“Well, honey, Mie is a big prefecture, so there’s no guarantee that the monster is going to appear in our town again.”_

“Mom, we live in a coastal town, so I’d rather not take any chances,” Yuu tries to reason with his mother, his face scrunching up, as he didn’t expect her to be so dismissive towards this news. “Don’t you remember what happened last time?”

 

 _“How can I **ever** forget it?”_  she probably says it with a bitter smile. _“But Yuu, I don’t really know where you got hold of this information because there hasn’t been any announcement regarding evacuation yet, so-”_

“Mom!” Shiroyama snaps, unable to believe that his mother could be so skeptical of him. “I work at the goddamned Defense Corps itself, so I’m pretty fucking sure that they won’t be spreading false information around!”

 

“Oi, quit shouting,” grumbles Kouyou from his chair, shooting a pointed glare in the elder’s direction. While he can’t possibly hear the mother’s replies, Kouyou can, nevertheless, guess the reason behind Yuu’s agitation – most likely, the woman isn’t yielding to her son’s request although he has no reason to lie to her. Frankly, Kouyou would have been pissed off too, if his own mother had refused to believe him. But it’s not like he’d ever get to experience that though.

 

Meanwhile, Yuu is too engrossed in his conversation with his mother to even register Kouyou’s remark, as he braces for her oncoming diatribe.

 

 _“Shiroyama Yuu!”_  she’s clearly not impressed with his outburst. _“How dare you speak to your mother in such tone?!”_

“I’m trying to look out for you here but you won’t believe me.” This doesn’t stop Yuu from insisting on his stance, as he pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration. “I’ve already lost my brother, I can’t afford to lose my parents too.”

 

 _“Yuu…”_ Her son’s last statement seems to have quelled her anger. _“Your father…He has a full-time job and can’t just abandon his post whenever he feels like it.”_

“It’s the matter of life and death we’re discussing right now,” Yuu stresses on the gravity of their situation. His mother has a point but surely they can work around the issue of his father taking a leave for a few days? “Can he ask for an extended sick leave? And then you guys can flee to Kyushuu or something, just for a week until the threat passes.”

 

 _“He’s already asked for one a month ago, for a legitimate reason as well_ ,” she informs him with a heavy sigh. _“Look, Yuu, both your father and I appreciate your concern, but let’s not be hasty about this, alright? The city council hasn’t made an announcement regarding this issue yet, so let’s take a look at the bright side of this situation, okay, honey? Also, if it were to happen, I’m sure that a Jaeger will be sent to deal with the monster as usual.”_

“That’s the thing: there’s **none** available to do that right now!” Yuu growls in exasperation, earning a glare from Kouyou for being so disruptive of his rest time; that of course doesn’t stop the elder from expressing his honest opinion louder than necessary. “We can’t always rely on Jaegers, isn’t this what Kazuki’s death has shown us?! I can’t believe that you haven’t learned **anything** from it!”

 

 _“Are you accusing me of taking my **own** son’s death lightly?!”_ Ruthless, Yuu has definitely hit her sore spot, similar to what she did to him right now.

 

In truth, she isn’t his actual biological mother – his father remarried when he was five, and he should probably be addressing her as his ‘stepmother’ instead. However, she’s raised and nurtured him all these years, treating him as if he’s her own son, so to him she’s been the _realest_ mother he could ever have; it’s has become so natural for him to think of her as his own mother, thus for her to insinuate that Kazuki was her one and _only_ son feels like a slap in his face.

 

“At this point, Rangers can do shit-” But he doesn’t get to finish his sentence because Kouyou snatches his phone away from him; the younger man was tired listening to the (one-sided) bickering, which was so close to triggering a headache. Yuu shoots a pointed glare at him and tries to retrieve his phone, only to have his hand slapped away by Kouyou.

  
Takashima has to admit that he finds the scandalised expression on Shiroyama’s face to be incredibly amusing.

 

“Hello? Shiroyama-san, isn’t it?” he asks in a collected voice, devoid of his typical derision. “This is Ranger Takashima speaking. What your son has shared with you is actually classified information but I’ll let it slide this time.” Kouyou narrows his eyes at the elder, whose defiant expression, however, shows no remorse about what he did. “He also has no reason to lie to you and if I were you I’d take heed of his words _but_ -”

 

He doesn’t bother to address Yuu’s quizzical look and continues instead:

 

“-that is why the Defense Corps exists. We are here to eliminate the threat, so you can be at ease about this. It’s up to you, of course, how you’d like to proceed, but your son will be _very_ troubled if this information spreads around before his higher ups authorise this.” He casts another meaningful glance at the elder. “And that’s all I have to say for now. Oh, and also please do not disturb your son anymore today, he has work soon.” Kouyou totally dismisses the elder’s glare. “Have a nice day.” And then hangs up the call before Yuu can protest.

 

“What the fuck was that?!” Yuu’s hisses, attempting to get his phone back, but to no avail, as Kouyou has yet to loosen his grasp around the device. “I haven’t finished talking to my mother!”

 

“She’s heard everything she needs to hear,” Kouyou replies nonchalantly. It’s been ages since he’s given such a long speech, let alone _reassured_ someone. The ‘Ghost Drift’ must have done something really serious to his head for the younger man to say something so out of character, but he has no time to waste. There’s still a furious brunet to deal with right now.

 

“The way you delivered your message didn’t make it any better.” Yuu points his finger at the other man accusingly. “It won’t make my parents leave and will only reassure them that help is on its way, which defeats the whole purpose of me warning them!”

 

“So is it only your parents’ lives that are important?” The younger man looks at him questioningly, his voice wrapped with frost. “And you’ll just let everybody else in your hometown die?”

 

Very blunt, indeed.

 

Yuu massages his temples, feeling an imminent headache.

 

“Let’s be real here, Kouyou, if you were in my shoes, you’d also prioritise the safety of your family.”

 

“I wouldn’t have been able to become a Ranger with this mentality of yours,” the Ranger merely scoffs, the familiar derision echoing in his words.

 

“Then what?” The elder openly challenges him, fed up with Kouyou’s holier-than-thou attitude. “Should my parents just expect you to come there half-dead instead of avoiding this situation altogether?”

 

“Regardless of your parents’ decision to leave or stay, I am still going down to Mie. And if you don’t wish to see me ‘half-dead’, then maybe you can fucking do something about it.” Kouyou’s patience is running thin, evident in his snappy reaction. “You always say shit like how you can’t afford to lose me and yet you do nothing about it. All talk, and no action. You can’t have both, you nitwit.”

 

However, it’s not the insult that grates on Yuu’s nerves since the elder has long accustomed to the other’s less than warm attitude towards him. “Are you expecting me to partner with you and face head on with the Kaiju, as if it can be done with the snap of a finger?”

 

“I expect nothing from you, honestly.” Kouyou can only palm his face in resignation. “Despite your fake-ass smiles, you sure do have a pessimistic outlook on life. Just like you, I’ve lost someone…” he hesitates slightly but finishes his sentence shortly, “-important, but it doesn’t mean I can just gladly accept some alien shit as my master.”

 

“This is my _brother_ I’m talking about. He was my own flesh and blood.” Well, for the most of it since Kazuki and he were half-brothers, but at the end of the day there’s no denying that they still shared a blood bond, irrespective of its thickness.

 

“So if two people aren’t related, then losing each other isn’t as bad, is this what you’re trying to say? Are you suggesting that your loss triumphs mine in terms of the agony it brings to you?” There’s a murderous tinge in the younger man’s voice that causes him to cower internally. “Is this some kind of fucking competition to you?”

 

“I’ve never said that! I’m…” Shiroyama honestly doesn’t know what to say in retaliation. The fear of losing the rest of his family is already overwhelming him, while the thought of him facing the Kaiju is only exacerbating his fear. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

 

“You really need to quit your half-assed apologies,” Kouyou cuts him off in mid-apology. The Ranger doesn’t have all day for this crap. “It’s true that you’d do me a big favour by joining me in Mie in two days’ time, but whether you like it or not, I’m still going anyway.”

“Why is there only _one_ active Jaeger in the whole of Japan?” Yuu is so close to ripping his hair out. He cannot possibly undertake this task: he isn’t even properly trained for this! All he tried was the simulator, for fuck’s sake. That failed ‘drifting’ experience in _Nakigahara_ doesn’t count.

 

“Everyone starts from somewhere.” Kouyou suddenly lowers his voice, and if the elder’s eyes aren’t mistaken, the Ranger’s gaze also softens as he says, “Sooner or later one will have to face a real Kaiju but they are not alone in this. That’s why every Ranger has a co-pilot.”

 

This, however, doesn’t reassure Shiroyama, no matter how ‘pretty’ those words sound, coming from none other than the esteemed Ranger Takashima himself.

 

“Only if I agree to pilot the Jaeger in the first place,” Yuu counters anticlimactically.

 

“Fair enough.” Kouyou doesn’t expect the stubborn man to change his mind so fast. In the end, he’ll just go solo again whether the Marshal allows it or not, because there’s no way in hell he’d let a monster rampage across Japan while he stands idly by. The rest of the countries along the Pacific coastline have already mobilized their own Rangers, Terachi is still chained to the IV drip at the hospital while Ando is incompatible with him ‘drift’-wise. Obviously, he’s doing this on his own again because becoming a Jaeger pilot isn’t in Shiroyama’s plans. “But you don’t have to tell me _this_ all the time, it’s fucking annoying.”

 

“Why are you _all_ doing this group guilt tripping on me? Why can’t you just respect my decision?”

 

“Ever since we failed the ‘drift’, I haven’t asked you to join us. At least, up until today.” Kouyou doesn’t understand how the elder has the audacity to accuse him of things he didn’t even do. “All I can tell you is this: if you want to change something in your -or even someone else’s- life, then you have to take action.”

 

“Which I _did_ by alerting my mother,” Yuu emphasises the other’s point.

 

“Doesn’t seem like she’s very convinced,” Kouyou shrugs. “And what if the Kaiju decide to come back in a few weeks’ time? Or even the day after? Are your parents just going to runaway for the rest of their lives? Don’t you want to put an end to it all?”

 

Yuu’s no stranger to the younger man’s contempt.

 

“Like I’ve already told you a million times today: regardless of your decision, I’m still going against the Kaiju in two days, whether you want it or not.”

 

“But Kouyou!” the elder exclaims indignantly, about to start another tirade pertaining the dangers of solo-piloting, but tries to get a grip on himself, fully aware that nothing will change Kouyou’s mind. So instead, he conjectures, “Let’s say that _hypothetically_ – and purely hypothetically! - I join you in the battle and survive this time.”

 

Yuu has to swallow hard before he can continue, “but the Kaiju will keep coming, right? So when does it end? What if one day, I’ll end up like Takanori, and no, I am _not_ sorry about bringing this up because this is the reality, Kouyou. My parents have already lost one son, I just can’t do this to them.”

 

“And your parents might suffer the same fate as your brother if I don’t turn up in Mie in two days. No, let me finish my thought.” Kouyou places his index finger on the elder’s lips, effectively asking the other to shut up, and then continues, “So yeah, that’s why I’m telling you we have to _end_ this.”

 

Yuu can only give him a questioning look. _How?_

 

“What do you think I’ve been doing while not exactly being on duty?” Kouyou wasn’t just going on diplomatic missions or worse, simply meditating. “Since I’m about to show my hand, I’ll just ask for your assistance instead of going through Ando.”

 

“I’m not-” But Kouyou silences him with his glare.

 

“For fuck’s sake, I’m not asking you to partner with me,” the younger man grunts in annoyance.

 

Has Yuu been conditioned to retaliate like this to everyone’s request?

 

“I heard that you guard the science laboratory.”

 

A confused look crosses Yuu’s face. “What about it?”

 

“I need to access it, preferably today.”

 

The elder is definitely taken aback by Takashima’s request. While the Ranger probably only has good intentions on his mind, somehow Yuu still has a premonition that it’s not going to end smoothly.

 

 _But Kouyou needs this_ , Yuu bites his lower lip. His traitorous heart just wants to please the object of his infatuation; the older man doesn’t wish to stay forever useless to the other.

 

“Well, come tonight then,” he finally replies. “Why?”

 

“You’ll see.”

 

“Hn.” Of course, Kouyou wouldn’t tell him right away. “Then I have a request of my own.”

 

Takashima glances at him in askance, knowing fully well about the nature of the elder’s requests.

 

“What is it this time?”

 

“Can I please finally have my phone back?”

__________________________________________________________________________

 

This is absolutely crazy.

 

“You’re going to get me sacked for doing this!” Yuu cries indignantly, as Kouyou fumbles around with the ‘drifting’ machine inside the science laboratory, occasionally glancing at the instruction manual. This minimised portable version of the machine is meant to be used outside of the Jaeger and has multiple cables hooked on - what it seems like - a huge container in the middle of the room. The container itself has been divided into two parts, the bottom having multiple sockets around it (for the cables, he guesses) while the top part assumes the form of a glass vessel filled with - what it looks like - formaldehyde. However, what catches Yuu’s attention the most is the massive Kaiju head swimming inside of it, with everything else inside the laboratory immediately sinking to the background at that terrifying sight.

 

Yep, Kouyou is definitely batshit insane. How could Yuu even let him in?

 

“The security measures here suck ass,” Takashima remarks slyly, not without casting a dirty glance at the elder. Oh wow, someone’s in a good mood, huh? But why does it have to be at Yuu’s expense? “ _Anyone_ would be able to get in like this,” Kouyou snickers, sounding so alien to Shiroyama that the elder almost puts his M9 Beretta to use, itching to shout “ _who are you and where is the real Takashima Kouyou?_ ” while holding this ‘impostor’ at gunpoint.

 

Should he actually…?

 

“Well, thanks for that.” Shiroyama shakes off that ridiculous thought and pouts instead. His gaze then falls on the ‘drift’ machine. “So…Am I supposed to be checking your vitals during the ‘drift’ or what?”

 

“Of course not, stupid.” The younger man rolls his eyes. “Look at the size of the Kaiju head, my brain would probably get fried if I were to ‘drift’ alone. We’re doing this together.”

 

“Hell to the no!” Yuu protests immediately at this beyond absurd idea, wondering if Kouyou’s mom dropped him when he was a kid. Or did the ‘Ghost Drift’ cause serious damage to his brain for even suggesting this? “I can’t even fucking ‘drift’ with _you_ , let alone with an interdimensional species.”

 

On the other hand, Yuu’s outburst doesn’t seem to bother the Ranger. At all. Seriously, where did the old Kouyou go?

 

“That’s why we’re ‘drifting’ with it _together_ ,” Kouyou replies calmly, as if someone just swapped him with his more collected and patient - pre-Takanori’s death - younger self. Normally, this version of him would be a sight to behold but right now he’s just creeping Yuu out with his infinite patience. “If we do this as a trio, there’ll be less mental load to share between us, so maybe we’ll be able to skip those problematic memories.”

 

Yuu is exactly aware what the younger man meant by that. Shiroyama’s innate curiosity is also tempting him to unravel the mystery of Kaiju brain, but as enticing as it sounds, there are some lines he’d rather not cross. After all, ignorance is bliss.

 

“I’m not doing it.”

 

“This device isn’t all that different from the simulator.”

 

“I said ‘no’,” is his final answer. Yuu’s already fulfilled the other’s request, which said nothing about the actual involvement with the ‘drifting’ experience itself. He’s not some pushover to bend over to Kouyou’s whims.

 

“Okay,” the younger man replies coldly, irritation slowly cracking through his collected façade. Finally, a glimmer of the Kouyou he knows. ‘Ghost Drift’ or not, Takashima isn’t the type to beg. “Move.”

 

Yuu follows the other man’s movements with his eyes: how the Ranger picks up the Pons headset and puts it on his head; how determined he looks as he dials a combination of buttons on the machine then gets comfortable in the swivel chair next to it; how his thumb quivers slightly in anticipation, as its hovers above the activation button on the remote control, ready to start the ‘drift’ phase.

 

Despite his thorny, overconfident façade, even a great actor like Kouyou cannot hide his nervousness before he launches himself into the unknown; which isn’t even comparable to the feeling he gets before getting deployed to the battlefield. Oh well, everyone starts from somewhere, aren’t these his words to Yuu?

 

Then why is he feeling this pit in his stomach, begging him to abandon this reckless idea? _Too late to back out_. He’s about to press the button when Yuu plops into the chair next to him with another Pons headset in his hands.

 

“It’s just ‘drifting’ again, right?” The elder asks him meekly.

 

A decent person would have probably told Yuu not to push himself since this is a voluntary activity after all. Thus, Takashima is aware of the fact that he’s really taking advantage of the other man’s pseudo-feelings to the maximum here. However, it’s a necessary sacrifice. He’ll live.

 

“So.” It’s Yuu’s turn to put the headset on now, with an uneasy expression on his face. “What’s the deal with this?”

 

“I was planning to do this sooner or later but needed someone who was ‘drift’ compatible with me,” Kouyou explains, relaxing his thumb slightly since they aren’t going to ‘drift’ until Yuu hears everything he needs to hear. The elder probably regrets his decision, so Takashima needs to reassure him; well, within his abilities since Kouyou isn’t exactly the empathetic type. “This will also be my first time ‘drifting’ with something besides another human being, so I can’t tell you how it’s going to turn out,” the younger man admits honestly. “But remember this: your **mind** is your most important asset, so if something were to happen, we’d have to immediately ‘retreat’ before losing control ove- _Oi_ , are you even listening to me?”

 

“You can actually be pretty nice when it comes to your partner’s _first time_ , eh?” Yuu wags his eyebrows suggestively, his initial apprehension completely gone.

 

“Don’t test me, fucker.”

 

“Thanks for enlightening me though.” A genuine smile breaks out on the elder’s lips. Kouyou really does have a ‘good’ side to him, which he normally shows when Yuu is more or less compliant. Maybe he should give in to the other’s requests more often…not.

 

Yuu has decided that he isn’t that much of a pushover and prefers to think with his brains than his dick because self-preservation is his utmost priority.

 

“Also, one question,” Shiroyama wonders if he should have asked this _before_ he agreed to participate in this madness. “Why are we trying to copy Marshal Niimura right now?”

 

Yep, maybe he should have asked this beforehand, so as to spare himself from that condescending glance Kouyou’s giving him.

 

“Because he gained crucial intel doing this, and it’s a waste if we don’t try it.”

 

“Yutaka told me that this really changed the Marshal though.” Yuu says, his previous edginess returning to him. “That it made him paranoid but also determined to embark on that suicide mission. So I’m not exactly sure whether it’s a good thing. What if history repeats itself?”

 

Kouyou stays silent for a moment, as if actually taking into consideration what the other man just said. He’s not even bothered by their delay. This, however, doesn’t waver his determination and only fuels him to proceed with his idea.

 

“All the more reason to test this since that’s exactly what happened to Takanori.”

 

Yuu nearly falls off his chair at this revelation. Someone else besides Niimura has done this? “Wait, what?!”       

 

“Takanori was the second person to ‘drift’ with the Kaiju,” the younger man repeats with mild irritation, though he tries to relate to the other man’s shock since this used to be a secret, which even the higher ups aren’t aware of.

 

“No one told me this!”

 

“Well, I found out about it accidentally during my last ‘drift’ with Takanori before going against Otachi,” Kouyou reveals with some reluctance. “It seems like he did that right after Niimura’s death.”

 

Losing two Rangers in two consecutive days? Must have been really demoralising.

 

“Did he also…” Yuu pauses slightly to formulate his question before he can continue, “exhibit those traits like the Marshal afterwards?”

 

“Yeah,” Kouyou confirms it with a brief nod. “Which I found quite fishy - for the lack of a better word - since Takanori decided to stay back and hold off the Kaiju instead of escaping.”

 

This time, the Ranger brings up this topic with unknown poise, as if he’s finally accepted his ex-partner’s death.

 

“Unlike Niimura, however, Takanori didn’t have a chance to tell us anything about his experience, so it’s our job to figure this all out.” His words are resolute. “Their mistake was to do this alone, thus they only managed to handle the neural overload for a short amount of time. But today, I have **you** to share the burden.”

 

Yuu is meant to find solace in those words, but he is still unable to shake off his anxiety completely.

 

_Relax, you have Kouyou in return._

“Third time is the charm?” he asks shyly, nevertheless, hoping that they won’t share the same destiny as their two predecessors.

His insides then threaten to churn inside out when he sees Kouyou smile at him, the way he’s never seen before. Yuu swallows hard, as he feasts on that gentle curve of the younger man’s lips, and wonders if he could abandon all of his convictions just to witness such rarity again and again. However, reality shows its presence when Takashima parts his lips to say the word that Yuu’s been dreading for:

“Ready?”

 

Shiroyama can only give him a curt nod in response.

 

And then everything turns hazy.

 

The pressure he feels in his head is definitely higher than normal and at some point it hurts so much that he swears it’s going to split his head in two. However, the sensation is pretty much identical to his first ‘drift’; he goes through their memories, but they pass by him in a hasty manner, as if having no intention of letting him grasp on them.

 

Good.

 

Maybe this way he won’t get distracted by his most traumatic memory and gets to focus on accessing the Kaiju’s head instead. He brushes through Kouyou’s memories, which are undeniably vivid but fail to keep his interest for too long, before something dark catches his attention. The dark, cloud-like memory doesn’t look like anything he has seen in his previous ‘drifting’ experience, which implies that he’s no longer exploring the Ranger’s head but has now trespassed the territory of their third, unwitting ‘partner’.

 

The Kaiju.

 

While this technically has to be the alien’s memory, Yuu has this strange feeling as if he’s present in this dimension in some real time manner. He doesn’t really understand what’s his current role here and feels Kouyou’s somewhat similar confusion transmitting to him through their neural bridge.

 

What’s going on?

 

The picture is slightly blurred, probably because they are in a _dead_ Kaiju’s head, but soon he starts to discern other shapes, which slowly adopt the form of familiar alien creatures he had the misfortune to see; his heart beats violently when he gets a closer look at them, but returns its cadence when he realises that they aren’t going to approach him. On the contrary, the Kaiju seem to be completely immobile, side-by-side, linked to one another with something long and ropey, which resemble some type of wires to him.

 

Yuu then notices that not only do the monsters stand next to each other, but also surround a small platform; with this dead Kaiju as a part of this circle. And if he squints, he’d see much smaller, spindly forms with a slightly – the key word is **slightly** \- more humanoid appearance hovering above the platform and casting something on the Kaiju that shortly renders them mobile. _What the hell is this?_ Awestruck, he first gawks at the scene unfolding in front of him and then tries to approach those smaller aliens to satiate his curiosity, when one of them suddenly turns around to glance in his direction, as if sensing something.

 

He stumbles on his step, ready to let out an embarrassing yelp, but the alien reverts his gaze back to the previous Kaiju it’s been ‘working’ on. Yuu sighs in relief. _They can’t see me._ Then makes another daring step, so uncharacteristic of him, when every single alien on the platform faces him in unison. However, before he can scream at the top of his lungs, Kouyou’s – it must be _him_ , right? – ghostly hand pulls him out of the ‘drift’.

 

“What the fuck was that?!” Yuu shouts, yanking the headset off his head, as violent tremors attack his body. There’s no way in hell this was just a memory…Those humanoid aliens, they were reacting to him in real time…Could it be?

 

“Bioweapons,” Kouyou whispers to himself in the midst of catching his breath, as realisation dawns on his face that is still indicating telltale signs of the post-interdimensional ‘jetlag’. “The Kaiju, they are…bioweapons.”

 

“Huh?” Upon hearing this, Yuu is unable to produce anything intelligible besides the monosyllabic expression of shock. He slouches in his seat, feeling as if there’s no skeletal support left in him. _Bioweapons?_

 

Kouyou, however, doesn’t mind the other’s one retarded reaction since he’s completely spent himself – the younger one used up all his energy trying to break the neural connection between the three of them before they could be overloaded by the Kaiju’s larger brain.

 

“The Kaiju aren’t the mastermind behind this invasion,” he finally explains. “It seems like they are merely tools to achieve the goal.”

 

“So…” Yuu tries to engage his brain cells to process this conjecture, though his confusion grows in the geometric progression with each passing second. “If they aren’t the actual, erm, ‘boss’ then those smaller aliens, which are more human-like…Well, actually ignore the ‘human’ bit,” the elder scrunches up his face in disgust, as he recalls the alien’s face. “They look like fucking overgrown aquatic insects and are actually-”

 

“The ones pulling the strings,” Kouyou finishes his thought. “They are probably the real alien colonists, who live on the other side of the Breach.”

 

“The Breach?”

 

Kouyou sighs. He isn’t used to explaining - or even _speaking_ for that matter - so much. That’s the downside of partnering with someone who hasn’t had any prior training. “The interdimensional portal at the Challenger’s Deep in the Marianna Trench.”

 

Fortunately, Yuu spares him from another stupid question and only nods in understanding. Their moment of silence isn’t long lasting though, since soon enough the elder starts his queries again.

 

“How are we supposed to use this information now? Firstly, isn’t it illegal for us to ‘drift’ with the Kaiju? Secondly, even if they are just bioweapons, how does it change the fact that they are here to exterminate us all?”

 

“True,” Kouyou surprisingly concedes with him, causing Yuu to wonder if this ‘drifting’ experience has done further damage to the younger man’s brain for him to be so accommodating out of the blue. “Third time isn’t always the charm, huh. But now we know that we can’t just depend on the defense, because those colonists will keep creating new Kaiju to replace the dead ones.”

 

“That means…”

 

“We’ve got to destroy the colonists themselves,” the younger man concludes.

 

Sounds easy enough. Wouldn’t have the PPDC already thought of this solution? “Why didn’t you guys try bombing the Breach then?”

 

“Who said we didn’t?” Kouyou scoffs. If he weren’t already familiar with Yuu’s personality, he’d be insulted by the elder’s lack of faith in the organisation. “Nothing seems to pass through the portal.”

 

“That leaves you guys with…luring them out?” Yuu suggests absently, as he rules out other possibilities. “But how are you going to do this? Since they rely on those, mm, bioweapons to represent them in our world.”

 

This idea still doesn’t satisfy Kouyou, as he staunchly believes that nothing can possibly force those aliens out of their hideout. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be depending on the Kaiju to accomplish their goal. His frown only deepens when he’s convinced that his next proposition is inevitable.

 

“If the mountain won’t come to Muhammad, then Muhammad must come to the mountain.”

 

Although the younger man is yet to elaborate what he means exactly by mentioning the proverb, Yuu doesn’t think he likes the sound of it too much.

 

“We’re going to the other side of the Breach.”

 

The question is, how? Their earlier experiment of trying to bomb the Breach has shown that things can only come out of the portal and not the opposite. Perhaps, if the two of them ‘drifted’ with the head a little longer, they would be able to uncover more relevant knowledge necessary to defeat these aliens. However, Kouyou also hypothesised that this Kaiju head wouldn’t be able to offer them much since it has been cut off from its body for five years now. If they want to get their hands on updated information on Kaiju, their best solution will be obtaining a new head.

 

“Can’t you just ask Akira and Yutaka to bring one back from Hokkaido?” Yuu asks hopefully, still not really appeased by the notion of Kouyou going to Mie.

 

“No, we need the freshest one as possible,” the Ranger objects. “I’m coming down to Mie anyway, so I’ll just ‘drift’ with the head immediately after killing the Kaiju.”

 

 _Killing two birds with one stone, huh?_ Sounds like a plan, but Yuu doesn’t seem to find relief in this. If anything, he’s even more worried about Kouyou’s safety, both physical and mental.

 

“Can you do this alone?” he asks the other man quietly.

 

“Do I have other options?” Kouyou only looks at him questioningly in return.

_That bastard. He’s guilt-tripping me._

“But it’s a level three Kaiju-” However, before Yuu can finish his sentence, Kouyou grabs him by the collar and silences him with a kiss.

 

“Then let’s hope I get a chance to see you kneel by my bed when I wake up from my coma.” The younger man smirks after breaking their kiss.

 

Yes, this is definitely guilt-tripping.

 

_________________________________________________________________________

 

Two days pass in the blink of an eye, and once again Kouyou shows up at the Drivesuit room to change into his battle uniform. Ando wasn’t too happy about him solo-piloting again, deeply concerned about his mentee’s safety, but didn’t deny him because otherwise, there was no one to defend Mie from the threat. The current plan is for Kouyou to hold off the monster for as long as he can before the Suzuki-Uke duo can come down from Hokkaido after they finish off their business there to back him up. For now, neither the Marshal nor Kouyou could come up with anything better than this.

 

However, while he’s in the middle of changing, Kouyou suddenly hears a loud commotion by the entrance to the changing room. Takashima cranes his neck back to take a look at the culprit, his eyes widening in surprise when he recognises the person arguing with the technicians there.

 

“Sorry, but this is a restricted area-”

 

“Let me speak to Ranger Takashima!”

 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Kouyou furrows his eyebrows, as he approaches the verbal warzone.

  
Yuu finally stops arguing with the techs, his whole demeanour changing upon seeing the younger man. Now he looks flustered, his whole frame quivering due to some unknown to Kouyou reason. However, once his lips part themselves, the Ranger immediately understands why.

 

“It’s just one Kaiju, yeah?” the elder whispers.

 

Kouyou doesn’t bite back a grin, as he turns around to the confused technicians.

 

“Change of plans. We are taking _Nakigahara_.”

 

________________________________________________________________________

 

Even now Kouyou is still unable to compute how Yuu managed to suppress his fear. Surely it wasn’t because the younger man’s words somehow managed to convince him? Was it the consequence of the ‘Ghost Drift’?

 

Shiroyama still retains an apprehensive look on his face, almost as if he’s ready to quit at any moment, but nevertheless allows the technicians to finish connecting Jaeger parts to his drivesuit. On the other side of the screen, Ando can barely contain his excitement, grinning from ear to ear; Yutaka and Akira aren’t there to share his joy, having already left for Hokkaido since its distance from Tokyo is longer than the distance between Mie and the capital.

 

“You’ve already used the control panel in the simulator, right?” Kouyou asks the elder. “This one isn’t any different, only that now you’re facing the real enemy. However, I’m in charge of the right hemisphere, so all you have to do is let me do all the thinking and simply coordinate with me.”

 

Yuu silently nods, appreciating the other man’s attempt to reassure him. He knows that Kouyou has already given it his best shot.

 

They soon slide into the ‘drifting’ mode, and they braces themselves for another journey through those memories again.

 

This time Kouyou doesn’t get absorbed by the memory of Takanori’s death, having prepared himself for this ‘encounter’. Instead, he gathers all his willpower to disregard his former co-pilot’s bloodied face, contorted in pain, and cruises straight into Yuu’s memories, specifically towards the one that causes the elder to lose himself in it completely.

 

There, Kouyou witnesses the same disarray that he caught the glimpse of the other time: smoke billowing in one grey mass, buildings falling apart in massive chunks, the concrete slabs come crushing down on several luckless pedestrians, survivors scurrying in chaotic lines. He then sees the Kaiju emerge from behind one of the office buildings, which it sends flying down onto the civilians standing beneath it. And Kouyou remembers its face, because he recalls shooting right at it with the plasmacaster.

  
Next to him, the younger version of Yuu stands there paralysed with fear. Kouyou tries to place his hand on the other one’s shoulder but his hand goes right through the man. Right, this is just Yuu’s astral projection after all (or something akin to it, Kouyou doesn’t know the correct terminology). The frown returns to Takashima’s face, as he looks at the rampaging Kaiju, and then says, “It’s okay, I’m right here.”

 

When the part where Yuu’s brother gets devoured comes around, he feels an intense onrush of fear course through him, nearly throwing him out of the ‘drift’. He, however, keeps repeating ‘I’m right here’ like a mantra to the Yuu in the memory, hoping it would somehow reach the elder’s troubled mind. Yet the initial feeling of fear, which Shiroyama has unwittingly shared with him, starts to slowly dissipate when he sees his own Jaeger – _Nakigahara_ – appear in his field of vision and charge right at the Kaiju.

 

Kouyou looks to his right and notices how Yuu’s frightful expression starts to gradually change into a slightly more hopeful one. Maybe _Nakigahara_ came too late to change the little brother’s fate, but at least they managed to prevent countless other deaths, including Yuu’s. A small smile settles on Kouyou’s lips, as he addresses to the Yuu inside the memory again:  

 

“See? I’m right here.”

 

With that, both him and Yuu snap back to reality; seeing the stable connection, Shou immediately initiates the Neural Handshake.

 

“YES!” The mission controller yells in excitement while the rest of the control room bursts in a round of applause. “Success!”

 

Their excitement is short-living since _Nakigahara_ still has a mission to accomplish. Shortly, the helicopters carrying the Jaeger head towards the coast of Mie; when Yuu found out that the Kaiju wasn’t aiming for his hometown but a city slightly further down south, he managed to relax slightly. However, soon he started to doubt the necessity of him being here. After all, Shiroyama has convinced himself that he’s doing this for the sake of his parents, but was he being completely honest with himself then? Whatever it was, it’s too late to back off now.

 

Once dropped at their final destination – a sandy strip by the sea – _Nakigahara_ is on the standby to respond to the threat. Yuu wishes he can compose himself but his whole body keeps shaking in anticipation of the Kaiju appearing in front of him. His palms become disgustingly sweaty, as different scenarios – one worse than another – flash through his mind. He’s about to succumb to the deadliest outcome when he hears Kouyou reassure him subconsciously through the _Headspace_.

 

 _‘I’m right here,’_ the Ranger’s words reverberate in Yuu’s mind, prompting the elder to get ahold of himself.

 

He succeeds in keeping himself collected up until the silhouette of the Kaiju appears in the horizon, that’s when the familiar feeling of dread threatens to overwhelm him. Beside him, Kouyou also feels the similar dread avalanche through him, forcing the younger man to glance at Yuu on his left.

 

Maybe Shiroyama isn’t ready for this.

 

However, instead of allowing regret to consume both of them, Kouyou tries to soothe the other’s nerves though their link by mentally projecting himself again.

 

 _‘I’m right here,’_ he repeats and then gives out a verbal command to raise the sword and aim for the Kaiju’s head.

 

The monster has a long and broad sharp-ended nose, which it uses to block the swinging sword.

 

 _“This one is called Knifehead, please beware of its nose and teeth.”_ Shou’s voice comes through the communication box this time since they needed the screen for combat purposes now.

 

Maybe they should have aimed down lower, to its neck, which has always been one of the most vulnerable parts in Kaiju. The alien, however, doesn’t let them aim for the desired part but instead of defending it, charges its nose right at the head of the Jaeger, where the Conn-pod is located. _Nakigahara_ narrowly avoids its head being crushed by spinning to the left, but due to Yuu being a complete novice at mental coordination, the hand with the retractable sword isn’t as lucky. Knifehead ends up crushing the sword, leaving them with the plasmacaster as their only weapon now.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Yuu mumbles frantically, horrified about his misstep. His mind is now in complete disarray, as images of his death fill up his head. He’s going to fail, he’s going to get them killed-

 

“Concentrate!” Kouyou barks at the other man and orders him to avoid the Knifehead’s sharp nose. What he couldn’t predict, however, was for Yuu to activate the plasmacaster without warning him first – normally, both pilots have to sync with this weapon for it to activate, yet somehow the elder’s neural link with the Jaeger is far too strong that it overrides the other pilot’s command; the plasmacaster being the left hand’s weapon not making it any easier for Kouyou. “Wait, at least aim for-” But before Kouyou could finish his sentence, a bright beam shoots haphazardly at the Kaiju.

 

While this shot failed to kill it, since the beam only grazed its belly, the wound inflicted by the weapon must have been painful enough for the Kaiju to emit a loud shriek. Disoriented, it falters in its step, falling backwards slightly.

 

They need to shoot it at least one more time but the plasma cannon take some time to recharge – some distraction is necessary until the weapon’s plasma reservoir can become fully restored.

 

“Just let me handle this, okay?” Kouyou reminds his partner in an attempt to calm the other down. They have to use the plasmacaster wisely. “Now we’re going to distract it by punching it in its mouth. By doing this, I’ll create an opening for you to shoot, alright?”

 

As planned, they deliver a blow to the alien’s mouth with the now defective right hand, hoping to use it as diversion. Seeing the incoming threat, Knifehead intercepts it by sinking its teeth deep into the hand, making his utmost priority to tear it away from the arm.

 

Using this opportunity, Kouyou signals to the elder for the plasmacaster to be fired. This time, Yuu doesn’t fuck it up because he shoots Knifehead’s face at point-blank range before the Kaiju could even loosen his bite on the Jaeger’s right hand. The shot is proven to be fatal since the alien staggers for a brief moment then drops down into the sea when it finally succumbs to the wound.

 

Everything happened too fast for Yuu to appreciate his first kill.

 

The Kaiju is dead.

 

It’s not going to suddenly rise again and ambush them from behind when they turn their back at it. No, it’s just lying in the water motionlessly, letting waves crash around its corpse.

 

His first kill.

 

Un-fucking-believable.

 

An addictive sense of empowerment spreads through his chest, nearly serving like a drug to him, which tempts him to continue this, because now he truly believes that he can do anything-

 

“Well, I’m glad that destroying Kaiju is to your taste.” Kouyou interrupts the elder’s internal monologue.

 

Yuu offers him a genuine smile. For once, he thinks that he can finally move on from his point zero.

 

Kazuki is finally avenged.

 

What’s more important, Yuu’s being helpful for once, instead of just praying for Kouyou’s safe return. Now, he can actually stand equal next to Kouyou instead of being a burden to the man. Maybe Shiroyama can get a special reward from the younger one once they return to the Shatterdome?

 

“Hold your horses, boy, we still need to ‘drift’ with its head,” Takashima reminds him of their second mission with a smirk, causing the other to flush deep red, still not used to having someone read his mind, so unabashedly as well. “The helicopters should come around soon.”

 

As they can no longer sever Knifehead’s head off since the Kaiju destroyed _Nakigahara_ ’s sword, they have to drag the alien’s whole corpse onto the beach. Later, they disembark the Jaeger with the help of rescue helicopters, which transfer both of them to the ground, where a team is already in the process of disinfecting the Kaiju head, so that the Jaeger pilots can safely approach it afterwards. One lab technician prepares the portable ‘drift’ machine for Kouyou per the pilot’s request.

 

A smirk appears on the Ranger’s lips, as he remembers Ando’s enraged face when he revealed his nightly escapade in the science laboratory to the Marshal in an attempt to have his second mission authorised. If it weren’t for Ando, he would have to face the music for insubordination, but fortunately, the man thought outside the box and let him get away with breaching the rules. The very fact that Kouyou wasn’t acting paranoid or begging the elder to go on a suicide mission was already reassuring enough.

 

Last but not least, Ando has faith in Kouyou, who’s about to present the PPDC a missing piece to their victory over Kaiju.

 

“Ready?” Takashima asks his new co-pilot once they donned their respective Pons headsets.

 

Yuu responds him with a smile this time.

 

Soon, they lapse into the ‘drift’. Both of them share the similar experience they had in the science laboratory, yet this time the voices are louder while everything seems much clearer. There’s an exact same scene where the Kaiju stand inert in a circle around the raised platform, where the smaller aliens are saying something unintelligible in their direction, as if casting spells on them.

 

Yuu then sees how one of the Kaiju comes to life and then heads straight towards the portal before disappearing in it; and this repeats without fail until one of the ‘awakened’ Kaiju starts to thrash the place around for some unknown reason. As a result, it accidentally swats the pillars holding the platform in different directions, one of them flung towards the portal. Yuu expects the pillar to vanish in the Breach, however, this doesn’t happen and instead, the construction bounces off the field surrounding the portal.

 

He follows the trajectory of the pillar with his gaze for a little while until realisation dawns on him.

 

 _Aha_ , he thinks triumphantly.

 

And then suddenly all alien eyes are on him, but this time they do not turn away a second later. Instead, they pierce him with their murderous stares, as if ready to pounce on him and tear him apart.

 

Yuu shrieks when the Kaiju that has gone berserk before charges right at him, but once again, Kouyou manages to get them out of the ‘drift’ before anything can happen.

 

“Fuck, I think I know what’s the missing piece,” Shiroyama says once they snap back to reality. His breaths are erratic, cheeks flushed as if still feeling the previous rush of adrenaline racing through his body. However, some of it is attributed to the excitement he feels as he finally finds the answer to their problem. “Kouyou!” He hurriedly removes his headset, turning around to face an equally red-faced Takashima. “We need-”

 

“Kaiju DNA to get through the portal, yes, I got it,” the younger man finishes the sentence for him, panting uncharacteristically in between his words. “Fuck, now I understand how the other two felt…” He then smiles almost bitterly, causing the technicians around him to look at one another questioningly.

 

“I guess they weren’t paranoid for nothing,” Yuu agrees, anxiously biting his lower lip.

 

While this experience allowed them to gain valuable intel in this war against the Kaiju, forgetting about the ‘drift’s’ two-way link was their biggest mistake.

 

“What are you guys talking about?” one of the techs finally speaks up.

 

“Every Kaiju – including Knifehead – forms part of the hive mind,” Kouyou addresses to Yuu more than anyone else right now. “Now they know our exact location.”

 

The elder swallows hard in premonition.

 

“And they are coming for us.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally finished it, phew. thank you everyone for following this story when it could have been so much better than this lmao
> 
> warnings: un-betaed, posted at 4.40am when i'm seeing my patient at 9am rip, rushed plot

“Are you sure this is what we should be doing right now?” Yuu asks Kouyou in between his gasps, with his torso leaned forward, as he pushes himself against the wall. Behind him, Kouyou rips the condom pack with his teeth while having two of his fingers stretch the elder’s opening. Shiroyama arches his back with a loud moan when the other’s fingertips brush against his prostate. “H-hurry.”

 

“Impatient slut,” Takashima chuckles. Soon, he withdraws his fingers and rolls the rubber over his cock. “We’ve got six hours at our disposal.”

 

“But we need at least three to meet the Kaiju halfway,” Yuu grunts, feeling the familiar hardness pressing into his entrance, and with a sudden thrust, half of the length gets lodged inside, drawing a yelp from him. “Goddamnit, Kouyou, can you get any rougher?”

 

Another chuckle comes from behind his back. “Weren’t you the one worried about us not having enough time?”

 

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got to rip me a new one!”

 

“My bad.” There’s no remorse in the other man’s voice, but Yuu suddenly feels a chaste kiss on his nape, prompting a flush to envelop his cheeks. He guesses, that’s the most he can get from Kouyou at this point in time.

 

The Ranger allows him to get used to the length inside him, until he signals to Takashima to keep moving, which results in the younger man pushing himself in completely. Kouyou experiments with the angle for a brief moment, when the tip of his cock gets a direct hit on the sensitive bundles of nerves, causing Yuu to let out a lecherous moan and arch his back more. The elder’s cock is dripping like mad, leaving transparent lines on his stomach, as Kouyou starts to engage both of them in a rhythmic motion.

 

Shortly, the Ranger’s cock starts to slide in and out of Yuu’s hole with ease, prompting the other to quicken the pace, to the point they both hear the lewd slapping of skin against skin, mingled with even lewder moans, cutting through the air.

 

“Oh g-god,” Shiroyama mewls when the thrusts intensify, his knees shaking from pleasure and nails trying to scrape the wall. Like an insatiable whore, he presses his ass harder against Takashima’s hips, which are now rolling in a frenzied manner, each thrust sending the elder over the edge. “P-please, do-don’t stop!!”

 

If Yuu had eyes on the back of his head, he’d witness the other smirk in self-satisfaction. Kouyou puts himself flush against Yuu’s back and nips on the other man’s shoulder, before sinking his teeth hard into the pale expanse, drawing a pained hiss from the brunet. He then pulls apart and marvels at the way capillaries rupture under the fragile skin, covering the area with haphazard red lines. Beautiful. Somehow this feels even better than seeing Kaiju blood spurting all over the ocean, as it lets out one final breath before succumbing to its mortal wound, gifted by none other but Kouyou.

 

As they draw closer to their peak, the thrusts become even more erratic, losing their initial sync, while Yuu’s initial moans begin to increase in volume and pitch, soon morphing into full-blown screams of pleasure.

 

“K-Kouyou!!” It feels so fucking good, to the point Yuu nearly slams his forehead against the wall, whilst the younger man keeps slamming deep inside his ass with increased intensity. “Fuck, p-pound me harder!!”

 

And the Ranger oddly complies with that request, pushing Shiroyama’s spine down more to form a greater curve that could enable him access the brunet’s ass better and pound the other harder.

 

Yuu feels the forthcoming peak when he feels the familiar coil in his stomach, crying for the release, and eventually succumbs to that feeling, allowing himself to climax all over his stomach with a loud scream. Meanwhile, it takes Kouyou a few more thrusts to cum, as he groans in the other’s neck on release.

 

They remain stationary in the same position for a moment, before collecting themselves - there’s at least one Kaiju on the prowl for their asses and it will most likely reach Tokyo in less than six hours.

 

“So we’ll stick with that plan?” Yuu asks the other, as he wipes his own ejaculation with a tissue before discarding it into the rubbish bin. God, he feels extremely sticky right now, especially his ass, and cannot wait till he can finally have his shower, which may as well be his last one for all he knows. Shiroyama would rather not think that way, since he’d very much like to die of old age. And to do so, they have to stop the Kaiju once and for all, which can only be done by eradicating Kaiju creators, who live on the other side of the Breach that cannot be accessed without Kaiju DNA. Thus, the plan - which they devised with the board of directors - is to strap the bomb to a Kaiju corpse and throw it into portal, where it can be detonated and thus, obliterate the other dimension. To do so, they’ll need both the _Nakigahara_ and _Karasu_ pilots for this mission, with the second pair providing backup in case of an ambush.

 

Unfortunately, the _Karasu_ duo, who took over _Akatsuki_ the other day, weren’t as lucky as their _Nakigahara_ counterparts (must have the beginner’s luck) when they faced the level four Kaiju in Hokkaido - Yutaka has been pretty heavily injured, since both him and his partner weren’t used to the analogue type of Jaegers, thus slipped up slightly during their last confrontation with the Kaiju; that sort of cost the younger pilot his back. Fortunately, the injury isn’t fatal, but nevertheless Uke has been strictly forbidden from piloting, thus pulled off this mission.

 

“Yeah, but Ando is going to replace Yutaka in this upcoming mission since he’s compatible with Akira,” Kouyou answers, chucking away the soiled condom, and then zips up his pants. They are about to embark on – potentially – their most dangerous mission, yet it doesn’t actually feel this way – somehow, the idea that it’s going to end today after so many years has sparked something even more intense in Kouyou, serving as his greatest motivation so far.

 

Soon all his brothers-in-arms – including Takanori – whom he has lost throughout these years, are going to be finally avenged, and the generations to come will be able to treat this dark period in human history as a mere fable.

 

And maybe he’ll finally be able to move on and let go of those razors, which have been developing a thin lawyer of rust from their prolonged use. He can only hope the goal that they are aiming for is also having the same effect on Shiroyama right now.  
________________________________

 

Two hours later, the Rangers (and Yuu) are trailing along the ocean floor in their respective Jaegers, fully submerged underwater. Yuu doesn’t even get to enjoy the scenic view here that some people would pay millions just to take a glimpse of it - he wonders if people knew the price he has to price right now, just to see the school of colourful fish disperse into a chaotic pattern as corals glimmer beautifully under the attenuated rays of sun. His mind, however, is completely preoccupied by the threat to come - they are about to clash with the Kaiju, dispatched to kill both Kouyou and him; they should cross paths in an hour so, in the halfway point between Japan and the Breach.

 

Oddly enough, the four of them tread underwater for another two hours, but there’s still yet any sign of the Kaiju. They were so close to reaching the interdimensional portal at this point, so shouldn’t have the ‘precursors’ sent at least one monster after the two of them? Shou was sharing their sentiments, as he told them confusedly that the Kaiju – which appeared on their radar a few hours ago – suddenly disappeared. The colonists couldn’t have retreated, just because two Jaegers were present in the ocean near their vicinity, unless they somehow figured out from the ‘drift’ that the Rangers were actually planning to invade the Breach and destroy it, and thus, gathered all their reinforcement to protect their home instead.

 

The thought of potentially facing so many Kaiju at once, if they were all to line up outside the portal, throws Yuu’s mind into disarray. Nonetheless, he tries not to panic or even worse - hyperventilate, so as not to undermine the integrity of his neural bridge with Kouyou, who’s been eerily calm all this while. It’s like the younger man has shut off his mind completely from Yuu, who’s unable to perceive any emotion coming from the younger man.

 

Shiroyama knows that although Takashima presents himself as a fearless motherfucker with balls of titanium, he nonetheless shows streaks of humanity – as seen in the younger man’s memories – because Kouyou _does_ get frightened when faced with the threat and he _does_ mourn when he loses his comrade, just like everyone else whom Yuu knows, so it’d be totally wrong to assume that there’s nothing that can shatter Kouyou’s almost perfect self-control (not referring to his _temper_ , period). After all, he’s only human.

 

“Sheesh, doesn’t sound flattering at all, isn’t it?” Kouyou suddenly interrupts his musings, causing heat to creep up Yuu’s cheeks, as he’s been ‘caught red-handed’ analysing the other man. Couldn’t Yuu have _any_ privacy in his thoughts? “Get used to it, mate.”

 

“I’m trying.” Yuu pouts, and then looks away for some reason, as if it’s going to prevent the other from reading his thoughts. “Also-“

 

“ _Hate to interrupt your lovebirds’ cooing_ ,” Shou’s voice suddenly comes through the communication box, causing them to become alert right away. They’re currently on a mission, for fuck’s sake! “ _But there’s a level four Kaiju that just came out of the Breach, about four hundred metres away from you guys.”_

 

“ _Nakigahara_ will take care of it,” Kouyou replies promptly. “ _Akatsuki_ is busy transporting Knifehead’s corpse and the bomb. They will proceed with the mission on their own, if we are to be delayed by the upcoming confrontation.”

 

“ _Suit yourself_ ,” it’s Ando’s voice that they hear now. From what Yuu understands, while the Marshal is compatible with Akira, they haven’t trained much together, and thus better off as reinforcement rather than the main driving force in combat for this mission.

 

Shiroyama still remembers the way Yutaka looked at his co-pilot, as he swept the older man’s blond bangs away before pressing his lips lightly on the other’s forehead as a way of wishing him good luck. For some reason, Uke categorically refused to kiss him on his mouth, justifying his decision of doing so by saying ‘ _it would feel like it’s our last kiss.’_ Yuu’s heart squeezes tightly at the notion of an anxious Yutaka waiting for the news of Akira returning to the base safely, only to hear the dreaded _‘we’ve lost him’_ instead.

 

Will Yutaka have to go through the same cycle of hell that Kouyou has experienced?

 

“Concentrate,” Yuu’s partner berates him. Kouyou’s eyes are now focused on the approaching silhouette that is slowly taking form of a Kaiju, strongly resembling a gorilla. An extremely hideous gorilla, to be exact.

 

“ _This one is called Leatherback and its whole body is armoured_ ,” Shou explains to the pilots. “ _It is very hostile but prefers ambushing tactics to open combat_. _A few years back, it nearly destroyed Manila and managed to escape unscathed. According to some sources, its weakness lies in its exposed spinal cavity, so try to aim at that part_.”

 

“Roger that,” Kouyou says and then commands Yuu to prepare the offensive stance when the Kaiju finally appears in front of them and hits its chest just like an enraged gorilla. “Marshal, Akira - we’re going to create an opening for you guys to slip through. Don’t wait for us and keep heading for the Breach.”

 

“ _We’ll be counting on you then_ ,” Ando replies a bit too cheerfully for this situation. _Akatsuki_ then steps back, giving way to _Nakigahara_ to come forward and face the Kaiju one-on-one. After all, if Kouyou intel was right, the aliens are now dead set on hunting down the _Nakigahara_ duo first, as morbid as it sounds.

 

As predicted, Leatherback stalls for a moment before making up its mind and finally charging at _Nakigahara_ head on. The pilots try to dodge its clawed fist by veering the Jaeger to the right, and eventually avoid being pierced by its sharp claws, capable of puncturing the Jaeger’s armour. Kouyou uses this chance to order Yuu to activate the plasmacaster, pointing the barrel of the canon launcher at the exposed back of the Kaiju.

 

Much to their dismay, Leatherback has proven to be very agile underwater, as it evades the plasma beam, which ends up cutting through the boulder behind it instead.

 

Yuu curses under his breath.

 

“Calm down,” says Kouyou. “We need to distract it.”

 

Shiroyama gulps, trying to collect himself, but fear washes through him when all six of Leatherback’s eyes focus on him and him _alone_. Shit, now it feels fucking _personal_.

 

Oh right, after all, it was _him_ who blew their cover off during their last ‘drift’ with the Kaiju’s head.

 

“Focus,” Kouyou reminds him. “Don’t let it intimidate you, idiot.”

 

Although aggressive in nature, Leatherback is truly an opportunistic fighter, as told by Shou, because it doesn’t actively attack, preferring to study its opponents’ movements instead and only then make its move. This in turn gives Kouyou plenty of time to analyse its behaviour and also allow their plasmacaster to reload. Once ready, they shoot another beam at the Kaiju but miss it again, as Leatherback quickly whirls around and suddenly appears behind their back instead, drawing _Nakigahara_ into a bear hug, and thereby restrict their movements.

 

“Kouyou!!! Yuu!!” the _Akatsuki_ team screams in unison, but Kouyou merely shushes them and tells to stay where they are at. It’s solely _Nakigahara_ ’s battle.

 

“We should let Akatsuki kill it instead,” Yuu suggests out of the blue, feeling anxious for conjuring such idea that goes against their original plan. Fear has nearly succeeded to overwhelm him, when the Kaiju nearly crushes their Jaeger in its tight grasp.

 

“We won’t be taken down so easily,” Kouyou grunts at him, an idea popping in his mind. He then mentally projects his plan to Yuu, who reluctantly concedes to it, ultimately accepting that they’ve got nothing to lose by doing so.

 

They grab onto Leatherback’s scaly arms and then roll _Nakigahara_ ’s body over, effectively throwing the Kaiju down with them, causing it to unlatch its paws around their Jaeger’s body. Rising, Leatherback then sprints back to a safe distance from them, clearly intimidated by that move. Good timing because _Nakigahara_ ’s plasma reserves have just been replenished.

 

“Wait, don’t shoot,” Yuu suddenly says. “So far, we’ve kept missing our target.”

 

Kouyou’s not impressed by such negative thinking. “We’ll tire him out and eventually his reaction time is going to be slowed down, to the point he can no longer avoid the beam so effortlessly. That’s when we’ll make our final shot.”

 

“It takes too long and this Kaiju seems like a type that preserves its energy,” the other objects. “Also, what if the colonists are going to send reinforcements? We won’t be able to take on the battle at two fronts.”

 

“Did you think this is going to be nice and easy?” Kouyou is slowly losing his patience. They’re only wasting time discussing this.

 

“That’s not what I mean!” Yuu counters, yet his eyes never left the Kaiju, which has been going in circles, still analysing the situation. “I’m saying that we should change our tactics and do something that will completely throw it off!”

 

“And what would it be?”

 

Yuu lets out a heavy sigh. “When I said that _Akatsuki_ should kill it instead, I didn’t mean to underestimate our power. I’m just saying that instead of showing the Kaiju same tactics over and over again, we need to incorporate an element of surprise: we are its target, so it will be too distracted by chasing us to even pay attention to _Akatsuki_ if he were to attack.”

 

“And how is _Akatsuki_ supposed to attack when it’s too preoccupied with the bomb and another Kaiju corpse?”

 

“Then we should use this bomb on Leatherback instead.”

 

Kouyou seethes, hearing such preposterous idea. “Are you out of your mind?! This bomb is meant for the Breach, not to be wasted on one measly Kaiju.”

 

“One measly Kaiju that has an advantage underwater over the plasmacaster, which is _Nakigahara_ ’s only weapon,” Yuu snaps back.

 

“ _Shima-kun is right, Yuu_ ,” Ando suddenly speaks up, fed up with listening to the other two’s bickering. “ _We can’t waste this bomb on Leatherback_.”

 

“ _Because we won’t have anything else to destroy the Breach_ ,” Akira finally chimes in, being uncharacteristically quiet up until now. Was he really that nervous, not being able to partner with Yutaka?

 

There’s another sound of static in the speakers, and shortly, Shou’s voice comes through again. “ _Um, bad news, guys, there are two more level four Kaiju coming through the portal and I don’t even have any info on them yet. You’d better deal with Leatherback quickly_.”

 

 _“Crap!”_ Ando groans. _Just what they need right now_. Suddenly, the thought of using the bomb doesn’t seem so foolish, after all.

 

“Is _three_ enough for you?” Yuu doesn’t bite back his sarcasm. “Because there’s no fucking way we’ll be able to fend off this many Kaiju at the same time, not even with _Akatsuki_ joining us.”

 

Shiroyama soon feels his partner’s thought process rushing through him like turbulent waters. He knows that Kouyou is currently having a dilemma - although Ando is still the one commanding this mission, the Marshal seems to trust the younger man’s judgement, thus would allow them to do _anything_ that the other deems to be appropriate for their situation. So, all Kouyou has to do is approve Yuu’s plan.

 

“...Alright,” the younger man finally agrees, seeing another two Kaiju approach them at a high speed – well, as fast as the water allowed them, of course. He is completely out of ideas. “How do we go about this?”

 

Yuu takes in a deep breath, knowing that his next suggestion is even more ridiculous; it will probably draw even more criticism from the others. “ _Akatsuki_ needs to sacrifice himself.”

 

“Wait, what!” Kouyou hisses. “You fucking-“

 

“ _Shima, calm down_ ,” Ando tries to placate him. “ _I’m sure that Shiroyama-kun didn’t mean it **that** way._”

 

“Of course, not,” Yuu says. “What I meant that Ando-san and Akira have to sacrifice their Jaeger but not before _abandoning_ it.”

 

“ _Go on_ ,” Akira prompts him, kinda relieved that new friend isn’t trying to get him commit suicide out of nowhere.

 

“We need to lure all three Kaiju back to the portal, so that when the blast goes off, Kouyou and I can grab one of their corpses and thus, enter the Breach without getting hit by the explosion, which cant pass through the portal. By then you should have fled _Akatsuki_ , so I think it’s time for you to call for rescue helicopters.”

 

“Okay, let’s say it works.” Kouyou needs to see the other’s thought process. “However, what are you going to do next after reaching the other side of the Breach, but without the bomb now?”

 

Fair question.

 

“Nakigahara _is powered by nuclear energy, isn’t she_?” Akira suddenly mentions.

 

“Wait, are you saying-” Ando can’t say he likes the sound of this idea.

 

“That we are going to sacrifice _Nakigahara_ as well,” Kouyou finishes the Marshal’s thought. “Her core’s nuclear power is nearly ten times stronger than that of our bomb.” He then gives his co-pilot a cursory glance. “Has this been your plan all along?”

 

It’s a crazy idea that indeed made Yuu doubt himself. However, they are currently running out of time, because it seems like all three Kaiju are now planning a coordinated attack. _Nakigahara_ needs to make a run for the portal, like now.

 

“Okay, let’s do this.”

 

Yuu has never felt so hopeful before.  
________________________

  
And it worked. It fucking worked because the moment _Nakigahara_ went for a ‘dash’ towards the portal, all three Kaiju were hot on her heels. Using that opportunity, _Akatsuki_ threw Knifehead, still strapped with the bomb, at the Kaiju. Ando then signalled to Shou, who immediately activated it after the Marshal and Suzuki had ejected themselves. There was a huge explosion shortly afterwards - not only did it instantly destroy all Kaiju present here and _Akatsuki_ , but also managed to rip _Nakigahara_ ’s leg, as the explosion flung the remaining Jaeger towards the Breach. However, she was quick to latch on one Kaiju’s torn limb and dive into the portal.

 

Yuu is tempted to rub his eyes, unable to believe that this is not a dream: he is actually in the other dimension right now, exactly the way he has seen through both Kaiju’s eyes. There are tall columns everywhere and also the same platform surrounded by inactivated Kaiju.

 

Familiar silhouettes of alien colonists come out of their dwellings to check on the intruders, but soon enough, they start to flail their gangly arms at one another, as if in panic. _Yeah, that’s right, bastards_ , Shiroyama gloats over them ‘running’ or more like, floating amok.

 

He has another good one for this, but feels that something isn’t right. His neural bridge with Kouyou feels extremely weak for some reason. Yuu turns his head to his right, only to see the Ranger knocked unconscious, probably due to the earlier blast. _Fuck_ , Yuu curses to himself and then calls out for the other, but to no avail. Takashima is knocked out cold. _Fucking great._ Yuu tries not to panic again, because now he has to do the two-man job, and he needs to do it quick since the aliens seem to have come to some sort of consensus, gathering on the platform with an intention of activating the Kaiju.

 

Their original plan was to escape simultaneously after self-destructing the Jaeger, however, now it looks like Yuu will have to eject the younger man first and detonate the turbine in _Nakigahara_ all by himself. Daunting prospects, but he’s got no other choice. Without wasting anymore time, he ejects Kouyou’s pod first, hoping that it would cross the other side soon. He then pulls up the settings on the screen and activates the self-destruction mode: Yuu has exactly 60 seconds to flee the scene.

 

While the colonists are still hastily trying to make their bioweapons come alive, Yuu fumbles with the ‘eject’ button, which for some fucking reason has to be _jammed_ right now - it must have been somehow damaged by the explosion. Yuu presses on it many times but it still wouldn’t eject his pod, even after encapsulating him. The familiar sense of dread courses through him, as it keeps him thinking that he’s going to be destroyed together with this dimension. However, it also serves as a great motivation for him to keep pressing on the button until it will fucking work. _Come on_ , he chides the system. _Do it!_ And then he hears the customary ‘click’ and at the count of 15 seconds, his pod finally leaves the confines of the Jaeger.

 

His pod shoots towards the portal exit at an abnormal speed, but its movement suddenly gets stopped by an unknown force. _What the fuck?_ he asks, but then it suddenly dawns on him:

 

How could Yuu be so fucking stupid? There’s no fucking way they’d be able to get out of here without Kaiju DNA.

 

Fuck, why did this slip their minds? It’s safe to guess that Kouyou’s pod is also stuck somewhere in this strong electromagnetic field: the pod’s thrust is strong but not powerful enough to break through the portal’s field.

 

Were they meant to die here, after all? Maybe Kouyou didn’t mind dying for his duty, but Yuu has only signed up for this with the condition that no one else has to die.

 

And when he sees a bright flash radiating from the now abandoned _Nakigahara_ , as the explosion sends turbulent currents through the dimension, Yuu thinks bitterly that at least he’ll get to see his brother soon.

 

 _Mom. Dad. Please forgive this foolish son of yours._  
_________________________________________

 

He wakes up to a light blue stretch above him, as the sound of waves bounce against his eardrums. Do heavens have oceans too?

 

“Holy fuck, you’re awake.” He hears the familiar baritone next to him and suddenly gets pulled into a crushing embrace.

 

Kouyou?

 

“H-hurts,” Yuu rasps, weakly pushing the Ranger away. Takashima complies, but not without crushing their lips together first. Shiroyama doesn’t think he can fully appreciate the other man’s ministrations in this state, since he can barely reciprocate the other.

 

Seeing the other gasp for air, Kouyou finally breaks away from the elder, but still insists on holding him as if Yuu is the most precious thing in the world to the Ranger. 

 

“Are we dead?” the elder asks when he finally finds his voice again.

 

The Ranger shakes his head, and Yuu feels like his confusion is only growing. How? The blast should have obliterated them, the ones who were stuck in that dimension together with the alien colonists.

 

“I’m no physicist, but assume that the explosion was of such grand scale that even the portal’s field couldn’t contain it. Pretty damn sure there’s a new crater next to the Marianna’s Trench now.”

 

“I see.” Well, seems like fortune did smile upon him in the end. Until he feels a sharp sting in his cheek, as he gives Kouyou a scandalised look - did the Ranger just fucking _slap_ him?

 

“Fucking idiot,” whispers Kouyou, his whole frame shaking from some - unknown to Yuu –emotion. What did he do to drive the cold Takashima to the point he looks so vulnerable and overwhelmed right now? “Why didn’t you tell me-“

 

“Chill, I had no plans to die,” Yuu tries to placate him. In all honesty, he didn’t expect his plan to turn into a suicide mission and even feels guilty about involving Kouyou in this, without actually thinking the whole thing through. Granted, they didn’t have enough time to actually deliberate their actions, but perhaps the gods were merciful and have deemed that these two haven’t finished their mission on Earth yet. _Maybe I won’t see you just yet, Kazuki._ “It just suddenly slipped my mind.”

 

“Slipped your mind, my ass.” Kouyou rolls his eyes, however, his hands keep gently stroking Yuu’s face. If Shiroyama wasn’t this exhausted, he would have frothed over this display of affection, which he thought the younger man wasn’t capable of.

 

“When did you wake up?” he asks Kouyou.

 

“Not too long before you did,” the other replies, looking around. “We were thrown quite far away from the Breach, probably close to America’s territory in the Pacific. The helicopters will take some time to reach here.”

 

“Nice, visiting Hawaii has always been on my bucket list.”

 

Kouyou snorts uncharacteristically. “I guess we’ve deserved this after all the shit we’ve gone through.”

 

“And now you’re effectively jobless,” Yuu quips.

 

“Not gonna complain about that.” The Ranger then presses their foreheads together, causing Yuu’s eyes to go wide and his cheeks acquire a rosy tint. “You did very well today, Yuu.”

 

“Oh my, finally calling me by my name?” Shiroyama tries to sound sarcastic, however, his voice trembles traitorously, as the elder is overcome with emotions. If his memory doesn’t betray him, Takashima did call him by his name once, but that memory is so hazy now, overwhelmed by the more familiar, repeated “idiot”. “I thought you never bothered to remember it.”

 

The younger man gives him a cheeky smile.

 

“So what was it again?”

 

“Shiroyama Yuu,” the brunet slowly lifts himself up, closing the remaining distance between them, his lips sinfully close to Kouyou’s. “And I’ll be in your care from now onwards.”


End file.
